[Thomas]: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. Tulips go in all sorts of colors. So do Roses. I really like flowers. Daffodils are also yellow.
*intro*
[Thomas]: What is up, everybody?! It's that time of year again: Valentine's day. Do you have a date? I don't. And I don't know where I'm going to get one. Approaching people is difficult.
[Anxiety]: -pops up- That's an understatement.
[Thomas]: Oh, Anxiety... Perfect, that settles it. I'm not gonna approach anyone this year.
[Morality]: -pops up- Now, don't say that! It's still possible.
[Anxiety]: Morality, don't lie to him.
[Thomas]: Yeah, meeting people is hard.
[Logic]: -pops up- Doesn't have to be.
[Princey]: -pops up- Logic is right.
[Thomas]: Wow, my fanciful side is agreeing with my logical side.
[Logic]: Thomas, in this instance, pragmatism and optimism aren't necessarily contradictory.
[Morality]: I know big words too! Saxophone...
[Thomas]: Okay, so you guys think there is a way to not spend my Valentine's day alone?
[Princey]: Oh yeah!
[Thomas]: How?
[Morality]: We just need to go about it the right way! Let's put our heads together and create a game plan. First, we'll need someone to practice on...
[Logic]: But who?
[Morality]: Each other?
[Thomas]: No, no! How about we use... my friend! Valerie!
[Anxiety]: Valerie?
*ping*
[Thomas]: Valerie.
[Morality]: Hey!
[Princey]: Hey!
[Logic]: Salutations.
[Thomas]: So, explain to me how you would go about securing a date with Valerie for Valentine's day.
[Anxiety]: I've got an idea: Don't! Don't even try.
[Morality]: Now, Anxiety, if you don't wanna participate, you can just sit this one out.
[Anxiety]: That's... not exactly how I work...
*ping*
[Logic]: Now I know we are all about to get into some big confusing discussion, but there is no need to over-complicate things. I have the solution! The trick to getting a date is to just be completely upfront and honest, alright? (to Valerie) Hello.
[Valerie]: Hello.
[Logic]: We are humans.
[Valerie]: Yes.
[Logic]: As humans, one possible objective is to procreate...
[Valerie]: Yes.
[Logic]: Therefore, would you like to copulate with me?
[Valerie]: Yes.
[Logic]: There, done.
[Morality]: Wow!
[Thomas]: ...That's not how people work!
[Princey]: You had no tact whatsoever.
[Logic]: Fine. Hello, do you like food?
[Valerie]: Yes.
[Logic]: Do you like romantic outings?
[Valerie]: Yes.
[Logic]: I can provide both of those things. Therefore, you will be my date.
[Valerie]: Yes.
[Logic]: Happy?
[Thomas]: -doubtful- Seriously?
[Logic]: Yes! And then you continue to talk-talk-talk until eventual marriage and/or copulation. That's the process.
[Anxiety]: Yeah, if your life is a Sims game.
[Logic]: That's ridiculous. This is what it would be like if your life is a Sims game:
[Logic & Valerie]: -talk in Simlish-
[Thomas]: Stop it. Stop!
[Anxiety]: If you went about tryin' get a date that way, it would look like this:
[Logic]: Hello, do you like food?
[Valerie]: Yeah...
[Logic]: Do you like romantic outings?
[Valerie]: I mean, sometimes...?
[Logic]: I can provide both of those things. Therefore, you would be my date.
[Valerie]: -stuttering- ...I'm... I'm uh... go.
[Anxiety]: Just saying.
[Thomas]: Yeah...
[Princey]: Your problem is you didn't woo her with any gusto. You know what people like?
[Morality]: Bagels!
[Princey]: N-No, what? Maybe. Um... Poetry!
[Logic]: Poetry?
*ping*
[Princey]: Allow me to recite Shakespeare's sonnet 138. "When my love swears to me that she is made of truth I do believe her, though I know she lies. That she might think me some untutor'd youth..."
[Logic]: Gonna stop you right there. That sonnet is about an older man and an unfaithful girl, lying to preserve their relationship.
[Princey]: Oh.
[Logic]: Yeah. So, um, might I recommend Shakespeare's sonnet 18? "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
[Morality]: I mean, I wouldn't recommend reading someone else's words. You need to say what's in your heart!
[Anxiety]: Heh, come on. If you do that, you could get all tongue-tied... jumbled... confused.
*ping*
[Morality]: Well, then you write it all beforehand in a letter. -laughs- "Dear Valerie, Happy 'Valerie-ntine's' day. Wow, that didn't come off quite as well as I would've liked it to. Maybe not one of my best jokes. Um, well, er..." -continues reading-
[Princey]: He wrote this down?
[Morality]: "I don't quite know how to proceed here, but I would like to ask... Hmm, how do I put this? I would like to speak from the heart, but hearts don't have mouths... Well, that was a little weird to say..." -continues reading-
[Logic]: This was the whole problem he was trying to circumnavigate.
[Morality]: "...Hmm, wow, uh, is it hot in here? It's a little hot in here to me. I'm getting a little bit sweaty..."
[Thomas]: Okay! I think that was... That was a bit of a failed experiment.
[Morality]: Fine! No words. -starts to hug her-
[Anxiety]: No. No!
[Thomas]: What if that were a stranger?
[Logic]: You can't just touch people.
[Morality]: Okay, then you create a gift to give them! A drawing! Here you go.
[Princey]: But that could be just taken as a gift from a friend.
[Valerie]: Wow! Thanks!
[Anxiety]: Or worse...
[Valerie]: Wow, this is horrible. I never realized how stupid and untalented you are.
[Morality]: -laughing- Well, I'm hopelessly crushed.
[Thomas]: Yeah, wow...
[Morality]: Look, the main point I wanted to get is that you should try to make them feel special! Don't talk about yourself so much and make sure they feel heard.
[Princey]: -upset- Not talk about me...
[Logic]: But then, why would they buy what you're selling if they don't know anything about you?
[Princey]: Agreed! There's a way to simultaneously make them feel special AND show them how awesome you are!
[Thomas]: How?
[Princey]: You find out what might be making their life difficult.
[Morality]: -almost crying- Yeah?
[Princey]: And you kill it.
[Anxiety]: What??
*ping*
[Princey]: You there, young maiden! What is burdening your life? Perhaps an evil stepmother or a dragon witch?
[Logic]: A dragon witch?
[Valerie]: Yes, this dragon witch has been ruining my life!
[Dragon Witch]: F*ck you, Valerie.
[Princey]: I SHALL SAVE YOU!
[Thomas]: Is that a samurai sword?
[Princey]: AAAAHHHH!!!!
*sword sounds and groans*
[Dragon Witch]: Ahh, my spleen!
[Princey]: All saved!
[Valerie]: You made me feel special! And you're awesome!
[Princey]: What can I say? I'm a mean spleen stabbin' machine.
[Logic]: -whispering- In no reality would this be a situation.
[Princey]: And afterwards you do a grand gesture!
[Morality]: That wasn't a grand gesture?
[Princey]: You wed them! Will you marry me?
[Valerie]: Yes! -gasps- Ay, te he esperado tanto, Tomás... ¿Realmente que amas?
[Princey]: Te lo afirmo; te amo con todo mi corazón.
[Valerie]: Ay!
[Logic]: How do you know Spanish?!
[Thomas]: I don't even know Spanish.
[Princey]: Look, this is what you gotta do.
[Anxiety]: There is no way he could do any of that! Besides, weddings are nothing but outdated, expensive pageantry.
[Princey]: What?!
[Anxiety]: Plus, the diamond industry is incredibly unethical.
[Morality]: What?!
[Logic]: Sure! Have you heard of blood diamonds? They—
[Thomas]: Okay, stop. Don't... You're upsetting him.
[Logic]: Okay. Well...
[Princey]: So, we are at a loss for what to do...
[Logic]: There's gotta be something we haven't thought about!
[Morality]: I'm feeling all types of bad.
[Anxiety]: Urgh, this whole thing is pointless!
[Thomas]: Yes, we already know your point of view.
[Anxiety]: Look, all I'm saying is this just a waste of time! Psyching yourself out over cheap tactics that have never been useful to you before, I mean, seriously, Thomas! In any past relationship you've ever been in, haven't they always developed when you least expected them to?
[Thomas]: Huh. You actually... have a point.
[Logic]: You were never actively searching for someone.
[Morality]: You met someone, got to know them casually, and then the feelings started there!
[Princey]: The romance came about naturally.
[Anxiety]: I wasn't... trying to help.
[Thomas]: No, this is great! It really helps to put things into perspective! I shouldn't be trying to force things to happen just for some day. That's probably the best thing to keep in min-...
*ping*
[Morality & Valerie]: Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man...
[Thomas]: Morality, can you... leave Valerie alone for one second?
[Morality & Valerie]: Ugh.
[Thomas]: And if I happen to meet someone, I really don't have anything to lose. I'll be upfront and honest, I'll speak from the heart and make them feel heard, and when the time is right, I can work in some grand, realistic, romantic gestures.
[Princey]: Yeah, okay.
[Thomas]: Even if it doesn't work out, isn't Valentine's day about much more than just romantic love?
[Morality]: Well, there is love for your family.
[Logic]: Love for your work.
[Anxiety]: Low-stakes platonic love, where people don't expect as much from you.
[Princey]: And self-love!
[Thomas]: And if that's what we need to focus on for Valentine's day... Valerie, the Valerie who is my amazing friend and not a hypothetical stranger Valerie, I would like to express my platonic, friend love for you with a nice hug. Yeah?
[Valerie]: Yeah!
[Morality]: Aw!
[Thomas]: And as for self-love, you guys, the different aspects of my personality, I suggest you all say "I love you" to each other.
[Morality]: I love you all so much!
[Logic]: I loooove you?...
[Morality]: If I could give you all butterfly kisses, do you know what those are? With the eyelashes?
[Logic]: I looove you- and...
[Morality]: You make my life complete.
[Logic]: Your existence is inconsequential- I mean, unimportant- I mean, gooooood.
[Princey]: What can I say? You are all so handsome.
[Logic]: Well, that does make sense.
[Princey]: Just not as handsome as me.
[Logic]: That does not make sense.
[Princey]: Well, you two have glasses, you know? Like, nerds!
[Anxiety]: -smirks-
[Princey]: What are you laughing at, Hot Topic?
[Anxiety]: Aw, you think I'm hot.
[Morality]: Princey, tell us you love us. Now.
[Princey]: -sighs- I love you.
[Anxiety]: I don't know how you expect me to say it. You all took turns, now you're all looking at me...
[Morality]: Come on!
[Anxiety]: Can it just be like, an understood thing?
[Morality]: -gasps- You're implying that you love us!
[Anxiety]: No...
[Princey]: Look, his face is so red behind that white foundation.
[Anxiety]: I hate everything about this. -sinks out-
[Morality]: Well, this was adorable! -sinks out-
[Thomas]: It was!
[Logic]: Call me when you have something a little less feelings-y. -sinks out-
[Thomas]: Will do.
[Princey]: I gotta go bury that dragon witch body. -sinks out-
[Thomas]: Okay, you do that. -to viewers- And for all of you, whether you are spending Valentine's day with a romantic partner, friends, or alone, take the day to celebrate love in all its wonderful forms. And until next time, take it easy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals. PEACE OUT!
*end card*
[Princey]: Honestly, my way would've totally worked, you guys.
[Anxiety]: Totally would not have.
[Logic]: You think you can do better?
[Anxiety]: Better than that!
[Morality]: Well, then you get a chance!
*ping*
[Anxiety]: Fine. First, you take her by the hand. Then you...
[Princey]: Oh, my GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
[Anxiety]: aaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
[Logic]: Nice one!
[Morality]: -playing pattycake with Valerie- What I do?
