[Thomas]: -pressing buttons on his controller- I suppose I could watch the Goldbergs. -presses button-
*new scene; promo*
[Thomas]: -as a Viking- -with a bad pirate accent- RAID! Yes, it be RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS, an EPIC dark fantasy turn-based RPG game! I be a real floozy for role-playing games, and RAID's an RPG that will make your knees WEAK. But don't trust an old Viking like me, -a bit more like his normal voice- Thomas Sanders, who has PERSONAL experience playing this game. -bad pirate accent- Trust the fifteen million downloads RAID has accumulated in the last six months! You may be asking yourself: "Why are you talking like a pirate if you're a Viking?" -normal voice- Pirates didn't really talk like this! Re-examine your cultural biases! Speaking of culture, in RAID there be over four-hundred champions you can collect and customize! You can assemble a team from over sixteen AB-CRUNCHING Factions! Discover thirteen PEC-FLEXING Locations! And do what the title promises: RAAAAID! ...With friends, in a clan. The best part? I didn't have to ransack a village to get it. It's already FREE! -bad pirate accent- Every week, he who be worthy can win prizes by fighting in the arena, traversing treacherous dungeons, or leveling up your heroes! -normal voice- What the hell is that accent? -bad pirate accent- The game is also continuing to grow, with plans for updates in the game for over SIX MONTHS! Wait... That's the length of time it takes for RAID to get FIFTEEN MILLION DOWNLOADS! Does it have replay value? You bet your Shiny Metal AXE. -normal voice, morphing into a Remus-ish voice, then pirate again- Go to the video description, click on the special links, and if you're a new player, you'll get one hundred thousand silver, two clan boss keys, ten mystery shards, and a free champion, Executioner, who rumor has it, is pretty damn good at executing! It will all be waiting for ya here. I gave up my life as a Viking long ago, when I became a social media personality! But finally, thanks to RAID, I feel like a man again! -heartily laughing- Masculinity is a prison!
[Thomas]: Why do I pay for a membership if I still gotta watch the ads? I'm switching streaming platforms.
*intro; ice sound effect for the A in "Asides"*
[Virgil]: Mm... ...I don't know, guys... -zoom out to everyone by the couch; everyone but Thomas and Logan are wearing different onesies (Virgil's is a skeleton onesie, Roman's is a onesie of the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, and Patton's is his usual cat onesie)- Unless our problem is a hungry alligator...
[Logan]: A remote possibility for a Florida-dwelling man who never leaves his house...
[Virgil]: I don't think running away is a good way to solve ANYTHING.
[Roman]: -stretches- Aah, tell that to you from twenty minutes ago.
[Patton]: Roman, be nice!
[Roman]: Oh, was that not nice? I-I-I didn't mean to... Um... I agree with your new opinion, Virgil! And the movie we're about to watch is going to demonstrate just how bad running and hiding can be.
[Logan]: That is if the film you submitted received the most votes.
[Roman]: -chuckles- -mixing up votes in a hat- I have a feeling it did!
[Patton]: Now I may not have voted for Frozen, Roman, but I'm still rooting for your happin-
[Roman]: -gasps- Oh, my goodness! A hundred percent of the votes went to FROZEN!
[Roman]: A landslide victory!
[Patton]: Go, Roman!
[Logan]: Mm-mm! Mm-mm! Mm, falsehood, I did NOT vote for Frozen.
[Roman]: You don't get a vote because YOU didn't wear a onesie!
[Logan]: I don't wear those anymore, they're too childish.
[Roman]: No onesie, no vote!
[Logan]: Similarly, I am skeptical about whether Thomas has anything to gain from a children's picture that he has already seen.
[Patton]: Too childish?!
[Roman]: Nothing to gain?! Thomas is in a bad place, Logan! What would you have him watch? There Will Be Blood?
[Logan]: A bad place? Thomas is at home.
[Patton]: And home is where the heart is! -Patton's theme plays- How can Thomas feel B-A-D with his inner D-A-D?
[Virgil]: I can think of a few ways. -sighs deeply- What I've been trying to get at is... do you REALLY think a distraction is the MOST helpful thing right now?
[Roman]: Hey- Hey, Thomas! I didn't know you were in this movie!
[Thomas]: -briefly chuckles-
[Patton]: -through giggles- Roman, stop!
[Logan]: Some psychologists might be more inclined to call a distraction, in this context, "refocusing", or "redirecting". In a situation like this one, in which there presently does not seem to be an action that Thomas can take to address his feelings, without exacerbating the problem, temporarily redirecting his attention to something good... or neutral... can be beneficial.
*time skip; "Frozen Heart" plays*
[Ice Harvesters]: ♪ Born of cold and winter air and mountain rain combining... ♪
[Roman]: Ah, and who among us could forget the absolute bop that is... ...This weird ice-cutting song.
[Patton]: I dunno, Roman, I think this song is... pretty COOL...
[Roman]: Ho! Look out...
[Patton]: What? I'm just saying it's a CHILLED-out groove!
[Logan]: I might need you to leave if you don't stop.
[Roman]: And from this point on? NO more Nordic-inspired numbers!
[Virgil]: The sooner we confront this problem, the sooner we can leave this mess behind us.
[Roman]: Like, these ice-cutters are just frickin' leaving this child behind them? Whose kid is he? Why does no one notice they're leaving him?
[Logan]: N-Not necessarily, Virgil. Some things need time. Like evolution.
[Virgil]: Okay... But... H-How does watching a movie help?
[Logan]: Externalization. It's a key feature for many types of distraction. "Externalization" means giving one's attention to a sensation OUTSIDE of one's own body. It's helpful because it can be much easier to GIVE your focus to something than it is to actively take your focus AWAY from something.
[Roman]: Right! Hence, Frozen! Thomas is going to be seeing Frozen 2 for the first time tomorrow, and I think he should focus on that!
[Patton]: -quietly- Yay!
[Roman]: He just needs something to... look forward to.
[Elsa]: Hi, I'm Olaf! And I like warm hugs!
[Anna]: I love you, Olaf!
[Patton]: I ALSO love you, Olaf!
[Bulda]: Cuties. I'm gonna keep you!
[Roman]: -as Kristoff- "Ehh, you're joking, right?" -as Bulda- "No, you're mine now!"
[Grand Pabbie]: The heart is not so easily changed...
[Logan]: No, it isn't.
[Grand Pabbie]: But... the head can be persuaded.
[Roman]: Can it, though?
[Grand Pabbie]: You must learn to control it! Fear... will be your enemy.
[Roman]: -as either Agnarr or Iduna- "So you're saying, lock her away forever because she's dangerous." -as Grand Pabbie- "Nyagh, nope! See what you did there? And you're making her fear her powers. I JUST warned you about that."
*time skip; "Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?" plays*
[Anna]: ♪ I've started talking to the pictures on the walls! ♪ Hang in there, Joan!
[Patton & Roman]: JOAN!!!
*time skip; song continues*
[Anna]: ♪ Just watching the hours tick by... ♪ -clicks her tongue, sounding like a ticking clock-
[Virgil]: She better stop with that tick-tock sound, it's making me way too aware of the passage of time!
[Elsa]: Do you have to go?
[Remus]: -pops up behind the couch completely naked accompanied with a faint, ominous trumpet sting-
[King Agnarr]: You'll be fine, Elsa.
[Remus]: But you two won't, am I right? They're gonna die at sea! I sleep in the BUFF.
*time skip; wind howling*
[Virgil]: -heavily and anxiously breathing- Did I screw everything up?
[Roman]: No, I threw out your vote so you couldn't do that.
[Virgil]: No, I mean... -heavy sigh- Are we making the right decision here?
[Roman]: -sighs- Okay. I hear you. Frozen is one of the newer Disney movies. I miss the hand-drawn animation as much as the next Side, but this movie was an instant classic when it—
[Virgil]: NO! Should Thomas be staying home right now?!
[Patton]: Well, Virgil, Thomas made his decision, and I think that we should all just... try to settle into it.
[Virgil]: How are YOU telling ME to settle into something right now when you've taken your sweet time to settle into things that YOU were uncomfortable with in the past?
[Patton]: I- I just... I just think we should all just try to relax...
[Virgil]: You DO realize who you're talking to, right?
[Logan]: Virgil, how many times has our response to a difficult decision been... -deep breath- half-committing to one option and subsequently panicking about whether that option is our best option UNTIL it's too late for Thomas to change his mind?
[Virgil]: Are you ACTUALLY asking me that question? I'm genuinely asking because I-I can't tell. Do you- Do you want me to...? I can count them out...
[Logan]: No, no, no.
[Virgil]: -summons tally marks- Seven thousand, four hundred and thirty...
[Logan]: No, NO, no, no, no, no.
[Virgil]: -removes tally marks- You're just so literal, I- I don't—
[Logan]: No, Patton's right. We need to try to be resolute. The decision has been made.
*time skip; "For The First Time In Forever" plays*
[Anna]: ♪ For years, I've roamed these empty halls. Why have a ballroom with no balls? ♪
[Thomas]: Nope. Nope, I'm an adult. So, that's not funny.
*time skip; Hans smiling at Anna*
[Logan]: Wait... Uh, Hans is tricking Anna into believing that he's in love with her, but she's not around, so why did he make that face?
[Roman]: Yeah, you're right. The only explanation for it is that this is his evil plotting face. -mimics Hans' smile-
*time skip; "Love Is an Open Door" plays*
[Hans]: Cause like, ♪ I've been searching my whole life to find my own place. And maybe it's the party talking or the chocolate fondue. ♪
[Roman]: -as Hans- -drunken voice- "Aww, man! Yeah, I'm like, so f*cked up on chocolate fondue. I don't even know what I'm saying right now!"
[Anna & Hans]: ♪ And it's nothing like I've ever known before. Love is an open door! ♪
[Logan]: Uh, is something wrong, Patton?
[Patton]: I just realized, Anna falls in love so fast because... Most people have shut her out her whole life.
[Roman]: Oooff, and then the first person to give her attention since she lost her parents is actually just... taking advantage of her.
[Virgil]: ...There's no way she's coming out of this situation without trust issues.
*time skip; "Let It Go" plays*
[Elsa]: ♪ The snow glows white on the mountain tonight. Not a footprint to be seen. ♪
[Roman]: Except for- except for the footprints behind you.
[Logan]: HEY, YEAH!
[Virgil]: -sighs- What if this just makes things worse?
[Elsa & Patton]: ♪ Don't let them in. Don't let the see. ♪
[Elsa]: ♪ Be the good girl you always have to be. ♪
[Patton]: -scatting along with Elsa-
[Logan]: So, what's- what's happening now with her? Is she...
[Virgil]: What if he thinks were avoiding him? And that just makes him more mad at Thomas. He'll probably figure that Thomas isn't showing face because of him. He might have been an idiot back in the day, but he's not anymore.
[Logan]: She really shouldn't let go of any more of her clothing, that's for sure. She's gonna freeze to death.
[Patton]: If he DOES think that way, and if he DOES get more angry... Well then... We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
[Virgil]: Or maybe we should try to cross the bridge while it's still sturdy, instead of trying to cross a crumbling bridge later.
[Logan]: What about a bridge?
[Roman]: If the bridge is crumbling later, then it's because the violent storm that's out right now damaged the bridge. We shouldn't try to cross the bridge until the storm blows over. We need to make like Elsa and l-
[Patton]: Let it go—
[Roman]: Lie low in our kingdom of isolation. Come on, Patton, don't go for the low hanging fruit.
[Logan]: There's a storm out tonight? If so, an outdoor social gathering seems ill-advised. It's for the best that you stayed home.
[Elsa]: ♪ Let it go, let it go... ♪
[Logan]: Do you think this ice castle has a lavatory?
[Patton]: Ice toilet!
[Roman]: Or a bed?
[Patton]: Ice bed!
[Logan]: This place sounds awful.
*time skip; "Fixer-Upper" plays*
[Trolls]: ♪ Like his peculiar brain, dear. His thing with the reindeer, that's a little outside of nature's laws! ♪
[Kristoff]: This is not about...
[Patton]: His thing with the reindeer?
[Logan]: Outside of nature's laws?
[Remus]: He definitely f*cks the reindeer.
[Thomas]: Ah! -winces-
[Hans]: Oh, Anna. If only there was someone out there who loved you.
[Roman]: -mockingly- If only there was someone out there who loved you. -makes same smile as before-
[Logan]: You meddled with the vote to ensure that we would watch this, and yet you're the one constantly making fun of it.
[Roman]: Look, this is how I show my love.
[Roman]: Something that has always bothered me with this movie is that an act of true love will save Anna's life, and we learn that that true love doesn't have to be romantic love. So, why doesn't Olaf nearly sacrificing his life to comfort Anna, because he cares more about her than himself, count as an act of true love? He even says, "Some people are worth melting for." Like... Bruh?
[Elsa]: Just take care of my sister.
[Roman]: OH, Yes, y- you've already done a good job of that yourself, Elsa!
[Virgil]: I bet he's talking about you RIGHT now!
[Patton]: Thomas talked about HIM to other people.
[Roman]: Eh, we're all gossipy b*tches sometimes.
[Logan]: -of agreement- Hmm.
[Patton]: No! There- There is nothing wrong with talking! Sometimes you just need to... air things out or- or get a second opinion.
[Virgil]: But what if he's telling the story wrong, and- and misrepresenting Thomas to everybody at the party? Everyone likes him! He could turn everyone against Thomas by painting him as some unsympathetic, judgmental JERK.
[Logan]: If Thomas' friends immediately and uncritically accept the first negative thing they're told about Thomas as a fact without first pursuing his perspective on what happened, then I'm doubtful that those friendships would've lasted under any circumstances.
[Roman]: Also, if our combative compatriot were to slanderously misrepresent Thomas to that extent, then maybe that's not a friendship Thomas should try to hold on to.
[Virgil]: -sigh- Maybe not... -suspicious sound effect- ...if he lied on purpose. But you only see things from your perspective. And your perspective is your eyeballs looking out, AWAY from you! And that makes it a LOT harder to see your own flaws or where you went wrong or— -gasps- Oh, sweet Frank Iero!
[Thomas]: -exasperated groan- WHAT is it now?!
[Virgil]: Maybe you WERE in the wrong. Maybe you WERE an unsympathetic judgmental jerk!
[Virgil]: Just think about it.
[Thomas]: Like I have a choice!
[Virgil]: When Rico brought up that he used to not support gay rights, maybe you shouldn't have immediately started angrily interrogating him, because he used the past tense and he trusted you enough to share a history that he wasn't proud of with you. And sure maybe he wouldn't have gotten around some of the stuff you wanted to know about on his own, BUT things might have gone smoother if you just calmly asked later. And even though you had a right to FEEL angry, maybe you shouldn't have taken your anger out on him because he's right he is a different person now. And attacking a person for opinions that they don't have doesn't really do anybody any good. And even though he was being kinda snobby when he told you that "your behavior is unacceptable", you still shouldn't fire back, "Oh yeah, like me kissing a man is unacceptable?" Because again, he doesn't feel that way anymore. And he's always been supportive and comfortable around you and your boyfriends and now maybe we ruined a good friendship 'cause we couldn't see past his past and we put the final nail in the coffin by skipping out of the party!!
[Logan]: Thomas! Virgil!
[Logan]: Please do me a favor and name five things that you can see.
[Thomas]: -sighs and clicks his tongue- Staircase.
[Virgil]: Impending Doom!
[Virgil]: A future without friends.
[Thomas]: -big exhale- Pants.
[Logan]: Now four things that you can feel.
[Thomas]: Um, pants.
[Virgil]: A bad feeling.
[Thomas]: Uh- hair.
[Logan]: Three things that you can hear.
[Olaf]: ...frozen heart!
[Virgil]: The fan.
*ice machine clinks in the background*
[Thomas]: The ice machine, for some reason.
[Logan]: Two things that you can smell.
[Thomas]: Clean shirt.
[Virgil]: The deodorant Thomas put on because... he was... gonna go out tonight.
[Logan]: And one thing that you can taste.
[Thomas & Virgil]: A sour taste in my mouth probably leftover from those reheated Thai noodle leftovers.
[Logan]: Your mind has been figuratively traveling through time and space, from unpleasant memories to worst-case scenarios, both of which take place elsewhere. That cognitive commutation can be harmful because there's often not much that you can do in the here and now to resolve the issue. What I just had you do, a moment ago, was an exercise to remind you that you are here, now, in your apartment. Not somewhere else dealing with something else. You are safe.
[Thomas]: Alright. -sighs- Thank you, Logan.
[Logan]: No problem. Just your cool teacher being his cool self. -sips his coffee like the cool teacher he is-
[Thomas]: - sighs- Alright. Things... will be alright. Even though Rico's views weren't alright, they are now. And sure, this... complicates my feelings about him, but yeah, I'll adjust. Just like he had to... well... kind of. But still, if anyone can understand that sometimes people need time to come around, it's... him. He's alright by me. Things will be alright between us. Because... we're still friends. At least as far as I'm concerned.
[Roman]: Yeah. Just... Take it from Frozen's most inspirational song, "Fixer Upper". "People make bad choices when they're mad or scared or stressed. Throw a little love their way and you'll bring out their best."
[Thomas]: Thank you, Roman. That's... barely applicable.
[Roman]: -as villagers- "Elsa, we the villagers have thought it over and with no discussion whatsoever we've decided we're not scared anymore, and ice magic is actually cool as hell!"
[Logan]: So, Elsa's power-set includes: Freezing water, freezing objects, creating ice and snow from nothing, instantly creating anything she can imagine out of ice, poison ice blasts that slowly kill you, giving life to snow and/or ice, erasing fabric from existence, creating fabric from... ice, I guess, melting snow and ice, telekinetic manipulation of frozen water, creating an eternal winter, creating an eternal mini winter snow cloud that can follow a subject around wherever they go, and reviving dead flora.
[Patton]: Yeah, all checks out!
[Logan]: With Elsa's seemingly unstoppable "ice powers", I-I'd imagine Arendelle becomes a global superpower. No military force at that time could ever stand a chance against her... never-ending army of ice golems.
[Patton]: OH! I get it! You shouldn't trust an open door. True love is a closed-door that eventually is opened up to you.
[Roman]: I can assure you that no one was thinking that when they made this movie, Patton.
[Virgil]: It's too bad we didn't go to that party. -Virgil's theme starts playing- What if your soulmate was there? And now you're never gonna get another chance to meet him.
[Roman]: Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!
[Thomas]: -exasperated- Okay...!
[Logan]: Watching a film is clearly too passive of an exercise to allay Thomas' troubled thoughts. I think we need a more active distraction that Thomas can really think about and focus on.
[Roman]: -holds up the same hat from before, which turns out to be Deceit's- Should we vote on what we're gonna do next?
[Deceit]: -shows up and swipes hat from Roman- God, I was looking for this!
[Virgil]: -sniffs- HISSS!!!
[Deceit]: Don't touch my sh*t! -leaves-
[Roman]: Well... I was gonna rig the vote anyway. So, I can just let you all know that we're gonna rewrite Frozen 1!
[Logan]: Oh, are we going to amend the inconsistencies in the internal logic of the original film?
[Roman]: No. Yes. I don't know what you're asking. We're gonna make it better.
[Patton]: But I thought you said it was an instant classic.
[Roman]: Instant classic doesn't mean flawless flick.
[Logan]: Yeah, it's true. Those two phrases are not synonymous.
[Roman]: Here's my take: Olaf fully melts by the fire while accompanying a dying Anna, which DOES qualify as an act of true love. Then, Anna must rescue Elsa from Hans, who gets a proper Disney villain song, maybe a reprise of "Love is An Open Door" called, I'm spit balling here, "Love is An Open Wound"! Then once Hans is defeated and the sisters are reunited, we learn that Olaf had so much love for Anna because he was Elsa's creation. In other words, Olaf was imbued with Elsa's sisterly love for Anna.
[Virgil]: Oh, hell, yeah.
[Patton]: Oh, wow!
[Remus]: Nah, not my kind of fanfiction. I'm going to bed... IN THE BUFF! -sinks out-
[Patton]: Oh, oh! Oh, and then since Elsa can create life, she can resurrect Olaf from the puddle!
[Virgil]: But would bringing Olaf back lessen the weight and impact of his sacrifice? Maybe, Olaf the Puddle Man has already evaporated by the time they make it back to him.
[Thomas]: -typing on the computer-
[Patton]: I see your point, Virgil, but how about this? Nobody dies. Especially not cute little snowmen.
[Thomas]: -to viewers- What is up, everybody?! Do you like the holiday season? -in some dramatic accent- Do you like Seeaanders Sides?
[Joan]: -in some dramatic accent- You like the idea of new Sanders Sides sweater-? -laughs-
[Thomas]: You just do it. Do you like the idea of new Sanders Sides holiday sweaters including Dark Sides sweaters? WELL, GOOD! -in some newscaster voice- 'Cause that's what you're getting! -normal voice- Is – a Am I gonna use my real voice at all of this? And also scarves to go with the sweaters! You can get them all or some or none at shopthomassanders.com. Did you like this video? We were attempting to make a slightly simpler Sanders Sides series that wasn't directly tied to the main narrative. So that we can, hopefully, give you Sanders Sides content more frequently. Hopefully. We'll see. You like it though? Do you wanna see more of it? Please comment down below if you do.
[Thomas]: Also if you wanna share some other distraction techniques that you use whenever you need it, that would be amazing! That is it, and until next time, take it easy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals. PEACE OUT! -going offscreen- Alright, that was great. Good.
[Logan]: -appears with his head popping up, checks if the coast is clear, and stands upright to reveal that he's wearing his unicorn onesie- -sighs, pulling up hood- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever said those things about you.