Sanders Sides Wiki

[Thomas]: For my next trick, I will transform myself into a very old man! The catch is that the trick takes about sixty years.


[Thomas]: What is up, everybody?! Hope the year has been going well for you so far... Mine has been nice, so far. Up until I MESSED EVERYTHING UP!

[Patton]: -pops up without warning- Why, what happened?

[Thomas]: Papa's in the house! U- wha- hey there, Patton. I, uh... didn't see you rise up there. Um, what you ask? What happened? Well, for lack of better words...

[Virgil]: -pops up- He was a bad friend.

[Roman]: -pops up- Would you stop saying that?

[Virgil]: What? It's true!

*they start talking over each other*

[Roman]: The situation was incredibly complicated, there were many factors at stake... You ALWAYS DO THIS!

[Virgil]: I tried to course-correct, but you wouldn't let me! Whatever, you know you screwed him up.

[Thomas]: Guys, guys! Settle down, please!

[Patton]: Guess who has ten fingers and is very confused. This guy! -laughs- I'm silly like that.

[Virgil]: I'm sure that Joan was also confused when they saw that Thomas' reserved seat was empty.

[Roman]: Just let it go, Charlie Frown! -pouts and crosses arms- I'm sorry I called you Charlie Frown. It's just this senseless bickering never gets us anywhere!

[Logan]: -pops up- On the contrary. Bickering amongst ourselves is historically how we've resolved, mm, all of Thomas' issues. Provided you have me there to, um, sift through the nonsense.

[Patton]: Oh, good, Logan! Everyone's favorite character!

[Logan]: Well, that's... very kind of you, Patton.

[Patton]: Aww! -chuckles-

[Logan]: And to ease your apparent confusion, I will review last night's proceedings which occurred thusly: Thomas was having another mundane evening where he wiles away useful waking hours by consuming content he's already watched fifteen and a half times before.

[Thomas]: But, like, have you watched The Office bloopers?

[Logan]: As a matter of fact, I've watched it fifteen and a half times because I AM A PART OF YOU!

[Virgil]: But, Thomas had forgotten that just a little while ago, he had told his best friend Joan that he would attend a staged reading of a play that Joan had worked so hard on.

[Patton]: You forgot?

[Thomas]: I mean... basically.

[Roman]: In his downtime before the reading was to take place, Thomas was invited to hang out with this one particularly dashing fellow, which is a unique happenstance, let me tell ya, and Thomas, sweet Thomas, innocently acquiesced.

[Thomas]: Yeah...

[Patton]: Well, you should have no trouble at all explaining that to them!

[Virgil]: But, midway through hanging out with this dude, Thomas remembered where he was supposed to be. Supporting his best friend Joan. We could have shown up during the intermission!

[Thomas]: As you can see, my anxiety started kicking in. But my hopes and dreams had something else to say.

[Roman]: This fella was so flippin' cute! I mean, who knows, he could have been the prince of your dreams, other than this prince, of your dreams! It was... worth it, to stick around, and besides, you had missed the first act by that point. It was already too late!

[Thomas]: And so THEY continued to fight the whole rest of the night, and I never left to go and support Joan!

[Logan]: Looking at it objectively, so you guys can sit this one out, would Joan have wanted you in attendance for only half of the reading?

[Thomas]: I don't know, it's just, being there for the sake of supporting them. And, and, and then this morning! This morning, they sent one text. "WHERE WERE U LAST NIGHT F WORD FACE??" Look.

[Patton]: -gasps-

[Thomas]: I mean, what do I say? The truth is honestly so... bad.

[Logan]: Well, the only alternative to the truth is a... fabrication, in order to ease their concerns... Oh, that's what you're implying that we should do, isn't it?

[Thomas]: Maybe...

[Virgil]: Lying is only gonna bring about more trouble, Thomas. You know this.

[Roman]: Then how would you describe all of the acting and performances he's ever done, in his life? I mean, that was all acting, in a way, and that wasn't so bad. -mocking noises-

[Virgil]: Geez.

[Thomas]: Well yeah, I mean, I-I wouldn't wanna say anything too ridiculous, but... I mean, it's Joan! I-I just don't know how I could bring myself to lie to them.

[Virgil]: Patton, you're Thomas' morality. What do you have to say about any of this?

[Patton]: Hmm... Well, I think there are many views on honesty that we can look at to try to help us here. Let's look at Kant.

[Thomas]: Woah! Goodnight, everybody!

[Patton]: No! Immanuel Kant. K-A-N-T! He was a 19th-century German philosopher who believed you should never lie, no matter what! Because to lie to someone would be treating them as a means to your end, rather than their own person with their own ends in mind.

[Virgil]: Listening, Roman?

[Roman]: Well, there goes the acting profession! I mean, never lying at all?!?

[Patton]: Well, there's the thing. A dilemma was presented to Kant by French philosopher Benjamin Constant. Essentially, it was: What if a known murderer came to your house, asking where your friend was, so they could kill 'em. Would you tell the truth then?

[Thomas]: No! Not Joan! Never! JOOOOAAAAN!!!

[Logan]: He seems to like his friends.

[Patton]: Kant's response: Yeppers. You should still tell them the truth. Kant believed that you were not responsible for the actions of the murderer, and you should just keep your hands clean.

[Virgil]: Oof.

[Roman]: Yeah, doesn't sound great, huh, Virge?

[Logan]: Wow, Patton. Referencing famous philosophers? ...I'm impressed.

[Patton]: Well, I'm morality! I gotta know my stuff.

[Virgil]: Impressed isn't the word I'd use.

[Patton]: The point is, many people think Kant is just a bit idealistic.

[Thomas]: The death of my friend is NOT ideal.

[Patton]: So you think Kant is wrong.

[Thomas]: Yeah.

[Roman]: Therefore, it's okay to bend the truth whenever it's appropriate.

[Virgil]: And totally okay to violate the trust of your close friend.

[Roman]: Oh, don't be dramatic. That's my job. Lying could mean the -to the tune of the Hannah Montana theme song- ♪ BEEEST OF BOTH WORLDS! So Joan won't feel low because we weren't at their show! ♪

[Virgil]: Patton, I thought you said lying was wrong.

[Patton]: Well, it's all about priorities, friendo. What's more important to us? Joan's feelings... or honesty?

[Logan]: Ah, that's bordering on what's known as moral particularism. See, I know things too.

[Thomas]: Okay, but I just don't know if I can lie to Joan.

[Logan]: Of course you can. You simply speak as you normally would, except rather than communicating information or an idea, let me know if I lose you, you communicate a falsehood.

[Thomas]: No, I... I understand that I can functionally lie. I just... don't think that I can lie to Joan without feeling like a big jerk.

[Roman]: -switches to Joan's form- Maybe you just need some practice.

[Thomas]: JOAN, DON'T HATE ME!

[Roman]: Sorry, it's still me. -normal voice- Prince Roman. -Joan's voice- I just thought maybe we could try "lying to Joan" to see how it feels. I mean, what the heck did we establish this whole shape-shifting thing for if we're never going to use it?

[Thomas]: No, that's not a plan! I... You're not Joan! I don't know how they'd react and... I'd be lying to their face several times? That's just a punishment.

[Virgil]: Well, if you're considering lying to Joan, maybe you deserve to be punished.

[Thomas]: Mmm.

[Logan]: Thomas has a point. If we truly are considering distorting Joan's reality as a means to your end, we might need a strategy.

[Thomas]: -whisper-shouting- Would you stop phrasing it that way?!

[Logan]: That is literally what is happening here, Thomas. DWI.

[Roman]: Driving while intoxicated.

[Logan]: No... Deal with it.

[Patton]: Well, how about we work out that strategy, huh? You know, we got a good old Joan lookalike here so all we gotta do is set the stage.

[Roman]: The... that's it! No, wait. Stage... that's it!

[Thomas]: What's it?

[Roman]: All the world's a stage, Thomas! So if lying truly is no more than acting... then we shall play the part. -snaps fingers-

*new scene; theater stage*

[Roman]: -rapping as Joan wearing Usnavi's outfit- Lights up on Roman disguised as Joan inside your brain, I wake up and I gotta try to train my guy to lie to Jane!

[Thomas]: Stop. Wait, Jane?

[Roman]: -changes back to Roman's outfit- Joan didn't rhyme there. -switches back to original form- Welcome to the Mind Palace Theater, Thomas! Starring me, Roman, for one night -Joan's voice- Joanly.

[Thomas]: Wait, Hugh Jackman is in this?!

[Roman]: -normal voice- No, his understudy is going on tonight.

[Thomas]: Who's his understudy?

[Roman]: -twirls- MEEEE!

[Thomas]: Of course.

[Roman]: Tonight I bring you a play in four acts!

[Thomas]: Four? That's excessive.

[Roman]: There will be a fifteen-minute intermission... or maybe just like three fifteen-second ads that pop up in the middle of the video? Just go with it. But let's not forget all of the people making this possible. Logan! Our stage manager SLASH drama turd!

[Logan]: The correct pronunciation is dramaturg. The researcher of the plays and operas being put on.

[Roman]: That's why you got the job, buddy. Also, can't forget our hardworking techie, Virgil! Our utterly delightful go-between for the operation of the lights, the set, the costumes, the props, the actors...

[Virgil]: So many things...!

[Roman]: And Patton is our amazing—

[Patton]: Director!

[Roman]: What? No, I'm the actor, director, and writer. I'm basically Orson Welles.

[Patton]: -in the style of Roger Rabbit's- Aw, please? Right, you know how I love cartoons?

[Thomas]: Let him be director.

[Roman]: We need an audience, Thomas! Theatre is literally not theatre without an audience to laugh when I say something funny and clap when I do something awesome!

[Thomas]: You know he'll still do those things. Come on.

[Roman]: Fine! Patton, you're the director.

[Patton]: Yay! -giggles-

[Roman]: Act One!

[Logan]: I'm not even on the... stage yet. I'm not even on the stage!

*new scene*

[Roman]: -sing-song- -as Joan- ♪ Thoooomaaaass! ♪ -dressed as Thomas' mom- It's Mother's Day, and I'm wondering where my little gifty-wifty is from my cutie oopsy-poopsy pants. Emphasis on the "oopsy", because you were a mistake.

[Thomas]: I have several questions here. Uh-um... -English accent- Are you my mummy?

[Logan]: Doctor Who reference? Fantastic.

[Thomas]: Why are you playing her like that? You know my mom. You know her.

[Roman]: -normal form but still in costume- It's a hypothetical scenario, Thomas, just go along with it.

[Thomas]: -sighs- Fine.

*redo scene*

[Roman]: -back as Joan- Thomas! Did you get me a gift for my third-favorite holiday? My first being Groundhog Day, my second being my birthday?

[Thomas]: Uhh... Did I get her a gift?

[Logan]: No.

[Thomas]: I didn't.

[Roman]: WHAT?!

[Thomas]: Uh... sorry.

[Roman]: You don't love me!

[Thomas]: No! That—

[Roman]: Shut up! You were a mistake and I hereby disown you as my son!

*end scene*

[Patton]: And scene! Roman, that was a beautiful portrayal of a mother betrayed by her son!

[Roman]: -normal form but still in costume- Omigosh, thank you, thank you so much! I was afraid I went a little too method with it?

[Patton]: No, it was perfect! Thomas, I didn't love your approach to the character.

[Thomas]: Patton...

[Patton]: I mean, that sure coulda gone better, huh, guys? Yeah?

[Thomas]: Okay, but that's not actually what would happen.

[Roman]: -changes back to normal outfit- Oh, I- I'm sorry Thomas, do you know how any and all future events will play out, should they come to pass?

[Thomas]: Well, obviously, I don't, but I—

[Roman]: Logan, does Thomas have that information?

[Logan]: No, he doesn't.

[Roman]: Didn't think so. Alright, let's run it again from the top, with more feeling this time!

[Virgil]: I thought Patton was the director.

[Roman]: Ah, right, right, right. -whispers- Patton, could you tell us to run it again from the top with more feeling this time?

[Patton]: Oh, sure. Let's run it again from the to—

*redo scene*

[Roman]: -Joan back in character- Ohhh, how I adore Mother's Day. It's the finest day in May! Oh! My beautiful son, I didn't see you there. Have you come bearing Mother's Day gifts?

[Thomas]: Oh! Um... Agh! Darn. Um... I was on my way here, to get you your gift, but, uh, it got lost.

[Roman]: Oh, goodness, how?

[Thomas]: W-uh... Mmm... Uh- ooh! A homeless lady... Um... ate it.

[Virgil]: What?

[Roman]: What? Why?

[Thomas]: I uh... left it on a free food counter, like a doofus and, uh, she mistook it for a free food sample and ate it.

[Roman]: Oh, poor thing, was she hungry?

[Thomas]: VERY hungry! That's why I bought her lunch! Uh, we exchanged, uh, information and she told me she would call me on a payphone... when the gift later, um... resurfaces.

[Virgil]: What the fff-?

[Roman]: Oh, no thank you then! I don't want it anymore. But, it's the thought that counts. I love you.

*end scene*

[Patton]: And SCENE. Brilliant!

[Thomas & Virgil]: Really?

[Patton]: Logan, can you tell us more about that scene?

[Logan]: That was a series of lies of commission, which is when the liar tells the subject an unmitigated falsehood. Presenting fiction as fact.

[Roman]: -back in normal form and outfit- Fiction! Like a heartwarming fairy tale!

[Patton]: Sure! And, even if your mom still wanted the gift, you at the very least bought yourself some time. AND, beyond that, you made yourself out to be an altruist!

[Roman]: Yeah! Except, if we go that route, we should make a point to actually feed the homeless later.

[Patton]: Totally. And, most importantly, you spared your mom's feelings. Mm!

[Thomas]: Silver lining.

[Virgil]: But what if the mom finds out that he lied?

[Logan]: Well, based on Roman's characterization, it's likely that some sort of betrayal-motivated disownment would take place.

[Virgil]: WHAT?!

[Patton]: Act Two!

*new scene*

[Roman]: -as Joan playing Thomas' boss- Gosh darn it, Sanders! Where were you for your Sunday shift?!

[Thomas]: What's going on here?

[Roman]: I'm your boss!

[Thomas]: No, I mean like what is the scene? What is happening?

[Patton]: You lied to get off work this past Sunday.

[Thomas]: Wait, I already lied? I don't have a choice in the matter?

[Roman]: No, that's in the past.

[Patton]: You did it because your boyfriend really wanted to spend the day with you!

[Thomas]: Boyfriend? What boyfriend? How many lies are we telling here?

[Patton]: Action! That's not just for movies.

*redo scene*

[Roman]: Sanders! Where were ya on Sunday? We were slammed because you weren't there! I'm gonna start callin' you Thomas Slammeders!

[Virgil]: Booo.

[Thomas]: Hey, Mr. Doodooface-McGee, which is your actual legal surname!

[Roman]: No...

[Thomas]: "Yes, and..." I should really come clean. My boyfriend wanted to spend more time with me, so I lied in order to have a free day to share with him.

[Roman]: Whaat? You're lazy AND you're gay?! You're fired!

[Patton]: Scene!

*end scene*

[Thomas]: What the heck was that?!

[Roman]: -normal form but still in costume- You don't know if your boss is a homophobe!

[Thomas]: I wouldn't want to work there anyway! If he hadn't fired me, I would've quit!

[Patton]: Noted. Let's run it again, except this time the boss isn't a homophobe?

[Roman]: Not a homophobe? Awesome.

[Patton]: And Thomas? Try not to get fired.

*redo scene*

[Roman]: -as Joan back in character- Where were ya on Sunday, Thomas? You better have a good excuse, or I'll fire you...

[Thomas]: Look, Mr. Doodooface... I have worked here... at this job... selling Hot Topic merch...

[Roman]: No...!

[Thomas]: "Yes, and!"

[Virgil]: Nice.

[Thomas]: ...For FOUR years now! You know that if I miss a day of work... it's probably for a valid reason.

[Roman]: Hm. Good for you, Sanders! Looks like you finally grew a spine! I suppose you're right. Just don't make a habit out of it! Like your weird habit of gluing your butt cheeks together.

[Thomas]: What?

[Roman]: "Yes, and!"

*end scene*

[Patton]: Scene!

[Roman]: -normal form and outfit- Oh, well done! I mean, I almost lost character, because the LIGHTS were too BRIGHT!

[Virgil]: I can only be so many places at once, dude!

[Patton]: Dramaturg, any notes?

[Logan]: Thomas, that technique you used right there was called a character lie. It is the act of covering up a truth by talking about oneself in order to throw off suspicion. By relying solely on your reputation, you completely evaded the matter at hand.

[Thomas]: Oh, cool.

[Roman]: Yeah. Um... Uh, would you like to say anything, Patton?

[Patton]: High marks here! You all are really putting on a show. Act Three!

*new scene; camera shutter sound*

[Thomas]: -blinded- Ah! Why?!

*sound of vase breaking*

[Roman]: -as Joan playing a stereotypical high school jock- BROOOOOOOO! No effin' way, dude! Who broke this vase? Who broke this vase? Seriously, guys. Everyone who's here at my awesome party... this huge crowd of people that's definitely here right now...

[Virgil]: Oh my go-

[Roman]: Somebody broke my grandma's vase. And that was the last thing she gave to me... before she died! I swear to all things football and/or skateboarding... that I will find you. Don't make me cry these incredibly manly tears! Anyone can speak up here and be a part of this scene. Especially those of us who aren't imagined and... are actually here on the stage.

[Virgil]: -sighs-

[Roman]: Like, not the people who are imagined to be here through means of suspension of disbelief.

[Logan]: I do not understand theatre.

[Roman]: Very well, I shall continue searching for the culprit in the next room! Stephanie, you wanna bake some cookies?

*end scene*

[Patton]: Aaand scene!

[Roman]: -normal form but still in costume- Thomas, what was that?!

[Thomas]: -whispering- I don't— I don't know. I—

[Roman]: -overlapping- I was giving you acting GOLD, and you were giving me NOTHING! Was it because I didn't use the red Solo cup, I mean, I thought it was cliché, but if it took you out of the moment—

[Logan]: Actually...

[Roman]: -back to normal outfit-

[Logan]: That was an acceptable version of what is known as a lie of omission. Withholding important information that would help to elucidate the truth.

[Roman]: But he didn't say anything! Uh, lies of omission are like, "I'm gonna say some things, I'm gonna leave something out. Say some things, leave something out."

[Logan]: Well, anything may have been important information, so, technically that's what he did. Ergo, valid technique.

[Thomas]: Interesting...

[Roman]: Uggghh...

[Virgil]: Something wrong?

[Roman]: I don't know, it's just, you know, maybe some of the scene play is making me feel a little icky.

[Thomas]: Wh- I thought you were fine with all of this!

[Roman]: I! Am! I'm just... I'm thinking about Patton! All of this definitely has to be a little bit strenuous on him, isn't that right, Patton?

[Patton]: Alright guys, it all comes down to this. You've put on one heart-stopping act after another, now... WOW me in this fourth act!

[Roman]: Ugh... Ah! I know. This one should be a piece of cake.

*new scene*

[Roman]: -as Joan playing a little boy- Mista Thomas, whewe do babies come fwom?

[Thomas]: Whoa! No, no. We are NOT doing this one.

[Roman]: Wh- adults do this all the time!

[Thomas]: We are not going there! No!

[Patton]: Yeah, everyone knows where babies come from. Messenger falcons.

[Roman]: -normal form but still in costume- Well, alright. Okay. I w- I wasn't feeling in character anyway because I don't have my SIPPY CUP!

[Virgil]: -whispering- I don't know where it is! I don't—

[Roman]: -overlapping- WHERE IS MY SIPPY CUP, tech?

[Virgil]: It was- it was on the prop table, did you move it?

[Roman]: No, I did not move it! I have been acting this whole time, when would I have had time to move it?!

[Logan]: Virge, hurry!

[Virgil]: Stall for time!

[Patton]: What is happening back there?

[Virgil]: It was in the green room, what was it doing in there?

[Roman]: Oh, that's right, I did move it. -laughs- I'm so silly. I'm so silly. Oh...

[Virgil]: -huffs-

[Roman]: Thank you.

*new scene*

[Roman]: -as Joan, same character- Mista Thomas, whewe is my pet hamsta?

[Thomas]: Oh, no, it's not-?

[Patton]: -decapitation/dead sound/sign-

[Thomas]: Ohh, great. Okay. Umm... well, Little... Ed.

[Roman]: That's my name, don't weaw it out!

[Thomas]: Ohhkay. Um... Your hamster...

[Roman]: Yes, what happened to my cute, fwuffy, impossible not to wuv onwy fwend in da wowwd, who awso happens to be my pet hamsta, Siw Squiggles da Bwave!

[Thomas]: Geez! Um... Squiggles... Um... went away! To um, a lovely little... hamster hotel!

[Roman]: Why?

[Thomas]: Ooh, uh, because... W- um, he didn't feel the same way about you.

[Roman]: WHAT?!

*end scene*

[Patton]: Okay, let's stop there. Thomas, let's try not to make the child cry.

[Thomas]: But this is, like, really sad, and I'm such a sucker for like, Joan's little pouty face...

[Patton]: Try something other than a lie of commission.

[Thomas]: Wouldn't that have just been like a little white lie?

[Patton]: Go again!

*redo scene*

[Thomas]: Look, Ed, um... You know me! I'm your, like, what, uh... I don't know, brother?

[Logan]: Who he calls "Mr. Thomas"? I don't...

[Thomas]: Would I let anything bad happen to your hamster?

[Roman]: So whewe is he?

[Thomas]: Y-you know me!

*end scene*

[Patton]: Stopping again. Okay, Thomas? I didn't believe any of that.

[Thomas]: Character lies are hard to implement in this situation!

[Roman]: -normal form but still in costume- It really isn't simple, Patton!

[Patton]: Let's try it from the top again!

*redo scene*

[Roman]: -as Joan carrying an empty hamster cage- Wiww you pwease teww me what happened to my fuwwy, squishy, beautifuw, fwagiwe but deaw companion, Sir Squiggwes da Bwave?

[Thomas]: Hnuuuuuhhhh...! -cries-

*end scene*

[Patton]: End scene.

[Thomas]: -normal form and outfit- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I- that scenario shoulda been a little bit easier, for me to lie, so I could... protect the kid, but... this is all just making me feel really weird.

[Roman]: Sadly, I have to agree, I... This whole night has been a fiasco. It's curtains, for sure!

[Virgil]: Curtains? -lowers curtains-

[Roman]: No! No, I didn't— Oh, come on... Whatever. Fine, end it now.

*end scene; Thomas' apartment*

[Roman]: -sighs- Well... All's well that ends well, I suppose.

[Thomas]: That did not end well.

[Roman]: Could you like not like... rub it in? Because sure, I'll admit it: It did not end well!

[Logan]: I thought it went well.

[Virgil]: You did?

[Logan]: Well, I really don't know. Every theatrical performance is the same to me. Whether it's "The Lion King" or "The Wiz", you can consider me one of Les Mis.

[Roman]: Gah, you were attacking theatre but that was a strong couplet.

[Logan]: Thank you.

[Roman]: I have to know, was that trochaic octameter?

[Logan]: Iambic pentameter.

[Roman]: Classic.

[Patton]: Come on guys, let's not give up now! Thomas, you don't want to make Joan mad at you, do you?

[Thomas]: No, I don’t. But... I feel like I would be mad, or... disappointed in myself, if I were to lie to them about this.

[Patton]: You won't if it's done correctly! Right, Roman?

[Roman]: I don't know, I... I think Thomas is right. When people go to see a show, they know that it's just a show!

[Logan]: Yes! Whenever a person purchases a ticket to a show, there's an unspoken agreement between that person and the showrunners that what they're seeing isn't actually happening before them. For example, Ian McKellen didn't actually die at the end of Macbeth.

[Roman]: Thank goodness! Oh, my goodness, that man... he shall not pass.

[Patton]: Virgil, buddy, uh, I know you weren't too keen on it at first, but come on! Could you stand to lose the support of one of Thomas' friends?

[Virgil]: Well yeah, Thomas' friends make me feel more at ease... But Thomas lying would make me just as uneasy. And anyone who doesn't understand that should just shut up!

[Thomas]: Whoa now.

[Patton]: Virgil! It's me! Aren't we friends?

[Virgil]: I'm not so sure we are.

[Patton]: Thomas! I know this sounds backwards, but sometimes... lying is good!

[Roman]: Mm, but you've said before that...

[Patton]: I know what I said! It doesn't matter. In this situation, it is the right thing to do... Period.

[Thomas]: Patton, no.

[Patton]: YES!

[Thomas]: You're wrong on this one, buddy. I think what I need to do is accept the true course of action. If I've made a mistake, it's better for me to own up to it. I'm thankful that you all helped to guide me through these other options because it helped me to arrive at this conclusion. I need to tell the truth here. And it might... hurt to do that. But... Whatever happens, happens.

[Patton]: -breaking character- -sarcastic- Wow, I'm so proud of you Thomas. -clapping- You're so mature.

[Thomas]: Thank you?

[Virgil]: I knew something smelled fishy here...

[Logan]: I also smell it. I told Thomas to take the trash out.

[Virgil]: No, I, it does smell bad, but I was talking about Patton.

[Logan]: Oh oh oh, you mean how he's clearly—

[Patton]: -makes Logan cover his own mouth-

[Logan]: -muffled speech-

[Roman]: -grimaces- Oooh, I get it now...

[Thomas]: I don't! What is happening?!

[Roman]: You have to give us permission first...

[Virgil]: There are sides to everyone that they'd prefer not to know about. But you are the boss, Thomas. Any information you want to know, you can know. You just... have to be open to hearing it.

[Roman]: In other words... would you like to learn something new about yourself, Thomas?

[Thomas]: I don't know...

[Patton?]: -mischievously- Oooh, I don't know either, Thomas! You might not like what you find.

[Thomas]: -determined huff- Fine! Tell me!

[Logan]: - uncovers mouth- -exhale- DECEIT!

*mysterious music; a new side, Deceit, appears in Patton's place*

[Thomas]: WWWWHAT?! Deceit?

[Deceit]: Who's she? Never heard of her.

[Roman]: Oh, I hate this guy and his creepy... snake face!! However, he is very kind.

[Deceit]: -sarcastically- Love the new outfit, Roman.

[Roman]: -naïvely- Thank you!

[Logan]: N-

[Deceit]: And Virgil, I adore the more intense eyeshadow. It totally doesn't make you look like a raccoon.

[Virgil]: Nice gloves. Did you just finish washing some dishes?

[Deceit]: Yes.

[Thomas]: Why didn't I know about him until now?

[Virgil]: He... had you convinced you're an honest person.

[Thomas]: But I... AM an honest person.

[Deceit]: Oh, you are, Thomas. You are a good person. Everybody says so.

[Logan]: Nobody's a completely honest person.

[Thomas]: I try to be.

[Logan]: THAT'S a more honest statement. Given all the variations of dishonesty, lies of omission, lies of commission, et cetera, lies can be fairly difficult to avoid. According to Pamela Meyer, author of "Liespotting", on any given day, you may be lied to between ten to two hundred times. She's also stated that strangers lie three times within the first ten minutes of meeting each other! An average unmarried couple? Lies to one another in one out of every three interactions. Very few people are always honest one hundred percent of the time. They're a very rare breed.

[Thomas]: So, what, he made me think I'm a completely honest person so I didn't know he existed?!

[Logan]: You place distance between who you are and the lies that you tell. He is responsible for your doing so.

[Thomas]: Why didn't you guys tell me?

[Roman]: If you really don't want to know something, he can keep our mouths shut.

[Thomas]: I can't believe that I fooled myself like that.

[Logan]: You don't WANT to believe it. THAT'S where his power comes from. Things that you want to believe. Things that you wish were true. And things that you wish weren't.

[Deceit]: What you don't know can't hurt you.

[Logan]: FALSEHOOD. Knowledge is an incomparably valuable multi-purpose tool that is instrumental in identifying and solving any problem. If you're worried about getting hurt... then seek knowledge; it is our greatest weapon... and our greatest defense.

[Thomas]: Wow, Logan, that's... That was really lovely. And speaking of seeking knowledge... WHERE IS PATTON?!


[Deceit]: -evil laugh- You foolish dummy. I am, and always HAVE BEEN, Patton. -evil laugh-

[Thomas]: WHAT?!

[Roman]: ...Geez. No.

[Deceit]: You have no morality. -evil laugh-

[Thomas]: -panicked- Huh...!

[Logan]: He's... he's lying.

[Deceit]: Sorry to break it to you, but—

[Patton]: -trying to pop up, but Deceit's in the way- Ow!

[Deceit]: Oh—

[Patton]: Oh, my head...

[Deceit]: Ow! Oh, that hurt—

[Patton]: My hair, okay...

[Deceit]: Ah! I mean, it didn't hurt me. At all. Ow!

[Patton]: -successfully pops up- Hey! -laughs- Um... You're in my spot.

[Thomas]: PATTON!

[Deceit]: Well, this all went according to plan...

[Logan]: Surely it didn't.

[Roman]: Get out of here! Jack the Fibber.

[Deceit]: Alright. But you've seen the last of me... -sinks out-

[Patton]: Bye.

[Thomas]: Hngh! Patton, I am so glad that you're back!

[Patton]: So glad that my back is what? -laughing- Finish your sentences, Thomas.

[Roman]: Wait, how do we know this is the real Patton? Maybe this is another one of Deceit's tricks!

[Virgil]: Oh, my... enough twists.

[Thomas]: Uh, quick. How do you feel about lying?

[Patton]: It's wrong!

[Logan]: Exactly what Deceit would say...

[Patton]: ...With some rare exceptions! Uh, someone once posed a dilemma to Plato. What if a known murderer came to your house, and-

[Thomas]: Yep, we've already been over this.

[Logan]: Yes, and that was Kant.

[Patton]: Whoa! Goodnight, everybody.

[Logan]: No... Immanuel Kant. K-A-N-T.

[Patton]: Wow, I "Kant" believe you're doubting me on this. -laughs- I know my Play-Doh. I've been eating it since I was, like, five.

[Logan]: Eating... Plato...? Oh, goodness. Are you talking about the non-toxic modeling compound?

[Patton]: Is there any other kind?

[Virgil]: That's for playing, not eating!

[Patton]: Mama told me to never play with my food.

[Roman]: Definitely Patton.

[Thomas]: -sighs- I'm still reeling from all of this.

[Patton]: I'm surprised I wasn't summoned earlier! I mean, here y'all are, havin' a big ol' "T" party without me!

[Thomas]: Well I thought you were here all along! Guys... Deceit told me that I was a good person. Does that mean I was lying to myself? Am I... Am I actually a bad person?

[Patton]: You know, kiddo, I don't think you are. I think maybe in that moment you honestly believed you were a bad person.

[Logan]: But belief doesn't always translate to reality.

[Thomas]: Thanks, guys.

[Logan]: Also the concepts of good and bad are arguably meaningless because we can assign ANY preferred characteristics to either—

[Virgil]: Not a good time, Logan.

[Logan]: Okay, sor- I...

[Roman]: Oh! And! And and! You decided to tell the truth even before Deceit was unmasked like a friggin'... Scooby-Doo villain.

[Thomas]: Guess that was the real Patton shining through.

[Patton]: Shining through? But I'm not a sun. I'm a dad!

[Logan]: Oho... Maybe Deceit wasn't so bad.

[Patton]: Kiddo, simply put, Deceit is an inner coach that acts with the one intention of self-preservation.

[Thomas]: Well, this time around I'm gonna tune out that inner coach and... set things right. But... before I do, um... one more question. Are there any other Sides that Deceit has hidden away from me?

[Patton]: ...Yes.

[Roman]: The Dark Sides.

[Thomas]: Well that's... not the answer that I wanted, in full honesty.

[Roman]: I made that name up. It's pretty cool, right?

[Thomas]: Nice and foreboding, thank you.

[Logan]: Well, best of luck with Joan. Or as they say in the theatre... fracture a femur.

[Virgil]: What?

[Logan]: The actual saying is "break a leg", but I improved it.

[Virgil]: I hate both of those equally. -sinks out-

[Logan]: Well... -sinks out-

[Roman]: Patton, never stray too far! Deceit really had me doing his bidding today! Playing into my love of theatre and my love of getting what I want? Ugh! I feel so used!

[Patton]: Aww, I'll always be here, Roman! But even so, you enjoy those knights and fantastic heroes, don't ya?

[Roman]: Oh, do I!

[Patton]: Well... what would they do?

[Roman]: Ughhh... Face any and every challenge with courage and honesty...

[Patton]: That's the spirit, sorta! You got this, kiddo. Both of you. -sinks out- -pops back up- And Roman, I need my Tupperware back, so... -sinks out-

[Roman]: Thomas? Despite the circumstances, it was... fun acting alongside you. We should do it again sometime. With less plots of deception.

[Thomas]: Sounds like a plan, Roman.

[Roman]: On to valiantly and honestly achieving our dreams! -sings vocal warm-up- ♪ Me-aaaaaaahhhh...! ♪ -sinks out-

[Thomas]: -to viewers- I hope, in some way, this provided a better understanding as to the different ways that we lie and how that may affect those around us. There are clearly many different perspectives on HOW it affects others, but when it comes to what we choose to say or what we choose not to say, it's good to remain conscientious of our actions. Pretending that we're not flawed is... irresponsible. By recognizing and working on our flaws, we're taking the best steps forward to being more true and honest with ourselves. Until next time, take it easy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals. PEACE OUT!

*end card*

[Thomas]: Hey, Joan?

[Joan]: -on phone- Hey, dude.

[Thomas]: About last night, um... I totally forgot! I'm so sorry, I didn't remember until midway through this outing I was at, and—

[Joan]: Oh yeah, it's chill.

[Thomas]: Really? B- uh- but it was a one-night show you had, and—

[Joan]: Yeah, it was just a reading.

[Thomas]: But... the text sounded so serious...

[Joan]: I literally typed out "F word face". Is that... is that serious in your world? Is that a serious person thing?

[Thomas]: Oh. Well. Um... I... clearly misinterpreted the tone. -chuckles-

[Joan]: No, but seriously, it's j-... it's totally okay, I just... I just hope you didn't do that thing that you do sometimes where you freak out and stand in the middle of your living room and talk to yourself for twenty minutes.

[Thomas]: -nervous laughter- Uh... no, I did not do that. -laughs-

[Deceit]: -laughter mingles in-

[Thomas]: You know what? Yes, I did.

[Deceit]: Aw, shoot. -to camera- Well, since I'm here... I might as well present to you a couple musical puns based all around Deceit. "Lies and Dolls"... "Lyin' King"... "Fibber on the Roof"... "Fibbin'"... "Jekyll and Lied"... Totally not partial to that one. "Forgery-Second Street"... "Willy Wonka and the Alternative Fact-ory"... "Damn Yankin' Your Chain-ees"... "The Fraud Couple"... "Full of Shi-cago"... "Lie Lie Birdie"... "Miss Lie-gon"... "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Lying"... "The Untruthers"... "The Producers". I think that was my strongest one. -sarcastic- That was fun. This was a fun video. I'm so glad I did this.

Transcriptsv · d · e
Season 1 My True Identity! · WAY TOO ADULT · Taking on ANXIETY with Lilly Singh!! · A New Year of Lying to Myself... In Song!! · The Dark Side of Disney! · I'M IN A DISNEY SHOW!! · The MIND vs. The HEART! · Alone on VALENTINE'S DAY! · Losing My Motivation · Sanders Sides Q&A · AM I ORIGINAL? · My NEGATIVE Thinking · Growing Up · Making Some Changes! · Becoming a CARTOON! feat. Butch Hartman! · ACCEPTING ANXIETY, Part 1/2: Excepting Anxiety! · ACCEPTING ANXIETY, Part 2/2: Can Anxiety Be Good?
Season 2 Fitting In (Hogwarts Houses!) · MOVING ON, Part 1/2: Exploring Nostalgia · MOVING ON, Part 2/2: Dealing With a Breakup · The Sanders Sides 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS! · Can LYING Be Good?? · Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? · Crofters - THE MUSICAL! Learning New Things About Ourselves · EMBARRASSING PHASES: The Nightmare Instead of Christmas! · Selfishness v. Selflessness · Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS · Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux
Sanders Asides Are There Healthy Distractions? · Flirting with Social Anxiety · Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts
Extras BLOOPER REEL! · Sanders Sides - BEHIND THE SCENES Q&A! · BLOOPER REEL!! The Bloop Strikes Back! · Behind the Scenes Featurette: Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? · 5 Sanders Sides Behind the Scenes Facts (Learning New Things About Ourselves)