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[Thomas]: Before we get rolling... This video is brought to you by Hello Fresh! -holds up food- You see this? You jealous? You jealous of this, bro? Well now you, too, have the power to begin cooking amazing din-dins like this one with eight free meals! That's $80 off your first month of Hello Fresh. Just go to HelloFresh.com and enter the promo code "THOMASSANDERS80". You can't have this, though. This one's mine. Cook your own. Back to your regularly scheduled programming! -finger snap-

*new scene; Thomas' bedroom, alarm clock buzzing*

[Thomas]: Oh my gosh, I'm late! Gotta do this video. Uh, get ready? No, I-I don't have time to get ready... I can do this. I'm awesome and I can do this! -falls face first, floored-

*intro*

[Thomas]: -yawning- What is up, everybody?! -short yawn- How are you all doing? Comment below, because the human connection will make me feel like a person again. What? Sorry! That one was supposed to stay up here. Hahahaha... Help me. Ooh. There I go again. Mm... I'm just really... -yawning- really... ...tires. Tired! Can't talk. Because of the tires. I just... couldn't get to sleep last night. And I think with that new addition, that brings the grand total to... um... everything. Everything is going wrong in my life. Even my thoughts are starting to go wrong.

[Virgil]: -pops up-

[Patton]: -pops up- Ooohhh, come on, no! No... What are you talking about?!

[Thomas]: Sorry! Umm... Let's talk about something else.

[Virgil]: Yeah, let's.

[Roman]: -pops up- ♪ Uh-oh! ♪ Here comes the noblest Roman of them all! What up, plebs?

[Patton]: Oh, hey, Roman! We were just talking about something else!

[Roman]: Mmm- What?

[Patton]: Yo- What?! Nothing else! There's nothin' else! Uhh, we were just talking about something and never anything else.

[Virgil]: -aggravated sigh-

[Patton]: -whispers- Is that okay?

[Roman]: Wait, are you all seriously not gonna let me in on what's going on here?

[Virgil]: -clears throat-

[Thomas]: Patton already said we were... we were talking about something.

[Patton]: ♪ Singin' to myself. 'Cause I'm not uncomfortable at all. ♪

[Roman]: Secrets, secrets are no fun, tell me now or else we're done!

[Thomas]: Look... You don't want to know.

[Virgil]: Unless you want to be deeply troubled.

[Roman]: I do! Mystery loves company.

[Virgil]: N-... It's "misery loves company."

[Roman]: Not for me, it's not! I am not feeling any love OR misery, because it's a mystery for me alone! I have yet to receive my invite to the pity party. Thomas, come on! You can't have a bawl without a prince.

[Thomas]: Just... Leave it alone, Roman.

[Virgil]: Seriously.

[Roman]: Ah! I can't believe you're making me do this. -summons Logan-

[Logan]: -pops up- What do you need?

[Roman]: Logan! Do you know why everyone is so Moody B. Moans?

[Logan]: Oh, goodness... are they still disconcerted?

[Virgil]: That's putting it a little lightly, Logan.

[Logan]: Or, your reaction is a little too extreme.

[Patton]: Well, that's easy for you to say.

[Logan]: Why wouldn't it have been easy to say...? It was an eight-word sentence. That's... not exactly laborious.

[Virgil]: What he means is that you're not a great judge of what is and isn't an overreaction. Your most extreme reaction is an eyebrow raise.

[Logan]: FALSEHOOD!

[Virgil]: -snaps twice- I stand corrected.

[Patton]: There's the one for today.

[Roman]: Logan! -claps- Put on your blinders, or in this case take off your glasses. -laughs-

[Logan]: -confused- What are you tal-... What are you talking... What are you talking about...?

[Thomas]: Look, I barely got any sleep. That's the best joke my creativity's got.

[Roman]: -laughs- But seriously, ignore them for the time being and explain to me what is going on here!

[Logan]: Well, last night, Thomas struggled to fall asleep due to persistent troubling thoughts about—

[Virgil]: -overlapping, interrupting- Shut up or I will shut you up!

[Thomas]: -overlapping, interrupting- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!!!

[Patton]: -overlapping, interrupting- ♪ Hey now, hey now, stop what you are saying. ♪

[Roman]: Whoa, you guys are acting fishier than the Kraken's crack.

[Patton]: Eww.

[Virgil]: Alright, so I'm acting fishy, so sushi... I mean, sue me.

[Roman]: Don't act like that was an accident.

[Virgil]: -sighs-

[Thomas]: Everybody, Virgil. Let's give it up for the purp man.

[Roman]: Just tell me. Blurt it out if it'll be easier! Like ripping... the sword from the stone!

[Thomas]: That was... canonically not easy.

[Logan]: Yes, only Arthur was able to remove the sword.

[Patton]: May the odds be never in our favor...

[Logan]: But, this isn't the sword in the anvil.

[Virgil]: You mean, the sword in the stone?

[Logan]: Why don't you read the book and see if you still need to correct me?

[Thomas]: Ohhh! Sorry...

[Roman]: I guess Disney was more faithful than we all thought!

[Patton]: Huh!

[Logan]: What I mean is that talking about this shouldn't be as impossible as liberating the sword from its ferric prison. I don't understand why we must prohibit any and all discussion about the intrusi-

[Thomas]: -overlapping, interrupting- Please stop, seriously! Please! I really don't wanna think about it.

[Virgil]: -overlapping, interrupting- I'm gonna prohibit your breathing if you keep this up!

[Patton]: You know exactly why we're not talking about it.

[Logan]: But he's—

[Virgil]: Logan, if you continue to push this...

[Thomas]: Mm...

[Virgil]: ...we're gonna end up in really dangerous territory.

[Logan]: Push... what, exactly?

[Patton]: I'm sorry, but I can't condone any more of that kind of thinking! Please! Just...

[Virgil]: Just... listen to US this time.

[Logan]: -sighs-

[Virgil]: We're going to talk about something else now, okay? Patton? What are we talking about?

[Patton]: Uhh... 2005's Just Like Heaven starring Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon?

[Virgil]: ...Sure!

[Thomas]: Ugh! Great flick. -flicking fingers- ...I'm really out of it.

[Roman]: The very same Just Like Heaven that won the Teen Choice award for best chick flick?!

[Patton]: You Ruffal-know it!

[Logan]: Were there any other Just like Heaven films released in 2005 starring Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon?

[Roman]: Heh. If they got married, then he'd be "Mark With-his-spoon".

[Thomas]: -laughs- Am I delirious or is this the funniest video I've ever made?

[Patton]: That's ridiculous, Roman! Have you ever heard of what's mine is yours? They'd be Mr. and Mrs. "With-their-spoon".

[Roman]: PATTON, THAT WAS MY JOKE! You hijacked my joke! You hi-JOKED!

[Virgil]: You know what I never got about that movie? -audio becomes muffled-

[Roman]: Why it won best chick flick? -laughs- I love Just Like Heaven and I'm not a chick!

[Logan]: Of course you're not a chick. You're a metaphysical human being. A chick is a newly hatched bird.

[???]: -not muffled- Have you ever imagined killing your brother?

[Virgil]: -muffled audio ends- N- HOW is she a ghost if she's not dead??

[Logan]: Perhaps she was accidentally and unknowingly astral projecting?

[Patton]: Ooh, OR maybe it was an out-of-body experience!

[Roman]: I thought astral projecting was an out-of-body experience?

[???]: -fingers become visible, gripping the top of the TV screen-

[Patton]: Hahaha! I don't know! I'm just glad the movie had a happy ending. That is what makes good cinema.

[Virgil]: So, there wasn't really a ghost? -scoffs- Talk about ghost baiting.

[???]: -in full view, behind the TV-

[Roman]: Of course, she wasn't a ghost, ghosts are evil! Except for Moana's grandmother.

[Patton]: Well, there's one thing I know; Reese Witherspoon isn't -notices Side- -voice breaks- EVIL...

[Virgil]: Ha! I resent that. Ghosts aren't evil. They just scare people because you never know when they're gonna -notices Side- -tempest tongue- SHOW UP!

[???]: -raises up a mace-

[Roman]: Okay, okay! I take back what I said about ghosts! -gets hit on the back of the head with the mace- -falling with a thud-

[Patton & Thomas]: AAHH!!

[Patton]: YOU KILLED HIM!!

[Roman]: -unconscious- ...Uuuuhhhh...

[Logan]: Ah. It's the Duke.

*creepy music intensifies*

[Duke]: Boo!

[Thomas]: The DUKE?!

[Duke]: -pops in front of the TV, in Roman's place- -evil laughter-

[Thomas]: Okay! Care to explain further?! Who is he? WHAT IS HE DOING HERE??

[Duke]: Oh, I just love showing up where I'm not invited!

*jazz music plays*

[Thomas]: CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHO HE IS?!

[Patton]: It's kinda hard to explain...

[Duke]: What?! No, it's not! You just lack imagination! Let's start from the beginning.

*musical number starts*

[Duke]: ♪ Adam and Eve bought knowledge for the small price of a little sin. They also lost eternal life, but what's fruit without the pits? ♪

[Logan]: Apples don't have pits.

[Duke]: ♪ I am The Duke! And it's high time that I dropped in. And since you haven't puked yet, ♪

[Patton]: BLECH!

[Duke]: ♪ we'll know they're wrong when they call you sick. It's unicorn horns and dragon tails, Roman's dull creativity. If you want the spectrum A to Z, then you'll need a little help from me! From unicorn porn to rats impaled, I give these thoughts generously! If you really want to challenge your viewership, then you need to stop limiting me! ♪

[Thomas]: ♪ What in the sh- -plate shatters- have I been drinking?! ♪

[Logan]: It's fine.

[Patton]: ♪ It isn't you, these thoughts you're thinking! ♪

[Virgil]: ALRIGHT! ♪ You've got to stop this guy from singing! ♪

[Duke]: I love how hard you try, it's so cute! Let's resume. Sure... ♪ People don't like me much, Thomas! But that's only just cause I'm honest! Good and bad is all made up nonsense! ♪

[Roman]: -gets back up- Bro, I'm gonna whip your butt!

[Duke]: Do you promise? -flicks Roman's head; knocking him out again- Thomas! Speaking of honesty, recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge. ♪ He said, "You're wanting to be more honest and be direct dealing with your issues? No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you." ♪ Neat! ♪ You wanna face facts? I've got one. Your late-night thoughts get pretty sick, dude. If you shared those musings with your friends, I doubt they would forgive you. Even though everybody sins. Everybody dies. Why deny yourself knowledge? Say... knowledge of yourself? You don't need to feel ashamed with your dear ol' Duke! You need not feign decency. You see this house on fire? I see it too! -dressed as Woody from Toy Story- 'Cause you've got a fiend in me! So, clap your feet, and stomp your hands, and dance off your booty cheeks! You can then bet your bottom I'll still be around when all your loved ones -slaps butt- leave! Imagine with me: Licking the blowhole of a dolphin. Your best bud trapped inside a coffin. Your grandma choking on a lozenge. Your pet dog stuffed into a sausage. -dog squeals- These sorts of things are only thought in the mind of a man whose soul is truly rotten. So let all your hopes of heaven be forgotten 'cause your head's not in the gutter, pal, it's in hell! Hell! Hell!!! The kind of mind you'd only find in HELL! ♪

*musical number ends*

[Patton]: That... was horrible!

[Thomas]: And horribly unhelpful! Look, Mr. Duke, I'm really stupid right now. Just... tell me who you are... simply.

[Duke]: Why, I'm your creativity! -squealing trumpet noise-

[Thomas]: N-... N-nooo. That's... that's Roman.

[Duke]: Yeah. Also me, though.

[Thomas]: ...what?

[Logan]: -sigh- Roman is sort of like, Netflix Kids and Family. He's the option that you select if you want to, um—

[Duke]: Block out all the juicy stuff...

[Virgil]: Don't say "juicy" in that context.

[Duke]: Ah. Juicy butthole?

[Thomas]: LESS okay.

[Patton]: Yeah, your... b-hole needs to stay zipped up in your pants where it belongs!

[Duke]: Why do you want to stifle your own creativity, Thomas?

[Thomas]: I'm sorry that I don't see the creative merit in "juicy butthole".

[Duke]: Oh come ON, Thomas! There are different kinds of creativity! Just take Jeffrey Dahmer! -stutters- I-I mean acid-brain sex zombies? That's ri-

[Thomas]: Gah, lemme stop you right there! Jeffrey Dahmer was not CREATIVE, he was DESTRUCTIVE, and I'll thank you to never bring him up again.

[Patton]: That's right! Just shut it down, Thomas!

[Logan]: You should do no such thing. You cannot force the Duke to retire a topic of conversation.

[Duke]: Yeah, repression can be... very bad, indeed. I mean, just take Jeffrey Dahmer.

[Thomas]: -grunts in frustration-

[Duke]: He used to have these, -chuckles- pretty funny thoughts about torturing animals.

[Patton]: AW!

[Duke]: But ya know? He hated them. He thought they were horrible, and he tried to FORCE THEM OUT! Lot of good that did him!

[Logan]: It didn't do him any good.

[Duke]: Yeah... -stutters- right.

[Logan]: In fact, that kind of repression doesn't do ANYBODY any good, because it doesn't work. In the 1980s, Virginia psychologist Daniel Wegner performed the White Bear experiments which demonstrated that the more one tries to force out a thought, the more intrusive, and/or repetitive said thought becomes.

[Duke]: ♪ JEFFREY DAHMER! ♪

[Thomas]: STOP!

[Logan]: I will, ugh, begrudgingly forgo the scientific method... for a quicker, simpler replication of the experiment. Um, Patton.

[Patton]: Hmm?

[Logan]: We will need you to talk about anything you want for the next minute.

[Patton]: W- Uhh... Alright, but, uh... hold on to your ears, because I'm about to talk 'em off.

[Duke]: -rips his ears off- Hold on to my ears? Done and done!

[Patton]: GAah!

[Thomas]: Ugh, great! Great! Ew!

[Patton]: You put those back on right now, mister!

[Duke]: ♪ I can't hear you!!! ♪

[Logan]: I need you to focus.

[Patton]: Oh, right! Uhhhh... Okay. So, do I just start talking whenever?

[Logan]: I will cue you, but before you begin... don't think about, uhhh...

[Duke]: A goldfish in a condom!

[Patton]: Ugh!

[Thomas]: HO-kaayy.

[Logan]: That works. Go!

[Patton]: Uh, once upon a time there was a gol-... -den girl...

[Thomas]: Mmm.

[Virgil]: Good save.

[Patton]: who lived in a con-... condominium! Okay, Logan, has it been a minute yet?

[Logan]: Not even close. But, you did exactly what I needed you to do.

[Patton]: -gasps- Mm! ♪ Patton did a real good job. ♪

[Duke]: You know, you took some creative liberties. But I give you my blessing!

[Logan]: In Wegner's experiments, subjects were asked to speak about whatever they wanted. With only one caveat: They were not allowed to think about a white bear. Despite that rule, according to Wegner, subjects mentioned the bear about once per minute.

[Thomas]: -chuckles- Okay, so I can't stop him! -laughs- Awesome news!

[Duke]: -clapping- It is, isn't it?!

[Logan]: But—

[Thomas]: But either way... you are NOT Creativity!

[Patton]: Yeah, that is the -heroic music plays- brave, handsome, unbeatable Roman!

[Roman]: -unconscious- -mumbling- No, mommy, I don't want the mashed potatoes...

[Thomas]: Creativity is about butterflies and- magic. That's not you! You're—

[Duke]: -covered in trash- Stinky?!?

[Thomas]: Scary...

[Duke]: -gasps- -trash removed- Me? Scary?! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That sounds like a YOU problem. Or a HIM problem.

[Logan]: Thomas, like it or not, the Duke does encompass a portion of your imagination.

[Patton]: Imaginative sure is a- a kind word for him.

[Duke]: I agree! How about... DEMENTED?

[Virgil]: Why are you defending him?

[Logan]: I'm not. I'm just trying to be intellectually honest with Thomas.

[Duke]: Ehh, sounds like bulls**t. This dork's Deceit in disguise!

[Patton]: NO!

[Thomas]: WHAT? Again?! Deceit, SHOW YOURSELF!

[Logan]: N-no, it's, um... It's actually me.

[Duke]: -chuckles- I knew that! I don't know if you guys can tell, but I'm a little silly.

[Virgil]: Then why are you lying?

[Logan]: -scoffs-Lying?

[Virgil]: You just said the Duke is Thomas' imagination.

[Patton]: Yeah! Unlike a certain... potty-mouth in this room, imagination is good!

[Duke]: Did you guys know that "dork" means whale penis? I called Logan a whale penis is what I'm saying.

[Logan]: Thomas, you have to understand that life is not so... black and white, as they say.

[Thomas]: B-b-but- the Duke and the Prince literally wear the black and the white!

[Logan]: Yes, but they're YOUR sides. That's how YOU see them.

[Duke]: -in the form of Joan as a cannibal- -distorted voice- That's not the only way he sees me!

[Thomas]: Gahh! Please! Leave Joan out of this.

[Duke]: -undistorted- Oh! -makes a middle finger sign with dismembered hand- What's that?

[Thomas]: That... w- is something Joan would do. Why would I even have TWO Creativities, anyway? Why isn't Roman all-encompassing?

[Logan]: Because of your view of creativity and imagination as a purely good force. At a young age, you filed away products of your imagination as either welcome or forbidden.

[Duke]: -switches back to normal form- -doing a little dance-

[Logan]: This led to the development of two separate sides of your creativity.

[Thomas]: Wait- so... my Creativity split in two?

[Patton]: Into what?

[Duke]: Into a butthole?

[Logan]: Into two parts during your development, yes. Like an ovum. The Duke is like Roman's twin. The embodiment of "bad imagination". Which is primarily experienced by you via intrusive thoughts.

[Duke]: You made me this way, Thomas. I was the unloved brother from the Genesis. Roman and I... are Cain and Abel. And that cane up your BUTT makes you unable to explore more mature ideas in your content!

[Thomas]: What is it with you and butts?

[Duke]: ♪ Hey Prude, your art is bad. ♪

[Thomas]: You're attacking my livelihood now?

[Logan]: Thomas' friends and family is one thing, but his work? Is nothing sacred?

[Thomas]: Yeah! Wait, what about my friends and family?

[Duke]: Oh, I'm sorry! Did you forget the part where I'm your creativity? Obviously, I have opinions on the matter.

[Virgil]: But are they opinions that matter?

[Patton]: Especially if they're hurting you!

[Duke]: For someone who prefers salty flavors, your videos are rather saccharine. What will your legacy be? Will you even have one? How 'bout this: You get butt-naked on camera and self-immolate to Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off"? Now, that'll leave an impression.

[Thomas]: Wow! I h- hate him, I hate him.

[Duke]: Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

[Thomas]: I wouldn't WANT my legacy to be subjecting people to something they didn't wanna see!

[Duke]: Why not? That's life! People seeing, hearing, and experiencing things they'd raaather not see, hear, or experience.

[Thomas]: Maybe so! But I... don't wanna add to life's unpleasantness.

[Duke]: Oh, so you're going to baby them? Do you wanna rock the cradle, Daddy? Rock the cradle in the treetop?

[Logan]: Why IS the cradle in a treetop?

[Patton]: No one knows.

[Logan]: Irresponsible parenting.

[Duke]: OR, do you want to be the wind that causes the cradle to fall? And then the baby... dies!

[Thomas]: That's horrible!

[Duke]: Look, pleasant metaphors aren't really my strong suit.

[Virgil]: You have a strong suit?

[Duke]: I do! My birthday suit.

[Virgil]: Ugh, okay. Well...

[Duke]: Okay! New metaphor: Nudging the baby bird to leave the nest and take flight.

[Thomas]: Okay! There! Yes! That's it! Oh, maybe there's hope for you after all!

[Virgil]: Wait for it...

[Duke]: And the baby bird immediately flies STRAIGHT into an unseen jet turbine and causes the entire plane to come crashing down! -maniacal laughter- And no one survives! -more maniacal laughter-

[Thomas]: What is your deal?

[Duke]: -inhale- What is MY deal? Uhhh, b**ch, what is your deal? I'm YOUR Creativity. What does that say about you?

[Thomas]: -sputters- M- MY deal?

[Patton]: Thomas doesn't have a deal!

[Duke]: If I have a deal, then Thomas has a deal. Deal or no deal?

[Patton]: W- uh,... Roman is Thomas' Creativity, too. So uh—

[Duke]: Do I need to remind you of what Thomas was thinking about last night?

*visions of Thomas' intrusive thoughts invade their minds*

[Patton]: Aah!

[Thomas & Virgil]: Nrgh!

[Thomas]: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!

*visions end*

[Duke]: I just did what I do as one of Thomas' sides. If I am awful... -blows kiss- then so is Thomas.

[Virgil]: Not all thoughts have some... profound meaning behind them! Some are worthless.

[Duke]: -scoffs- Virgil, you've never been one to soften the truth. Why would you aspire to be so... boring?

[Patton]: Those thoughts weren't Thomas!

[Duke]: So, what? Thomas thought someone else's thoughts? Do we have ourselves a classic case of brain swap?

[Patton]: ...Maybe...?

[Virgil]: He's right.

[Patton]: Really?!

[Virgil]: Not you. The Duke.

[Patton]: Oh... Whaaa?!

[Virgil]: The reality is... you thought those thoughts, Thomas.

[Patton]: Oh, no... Oh, no. IS Thomas a bad person?

[Thomas]: WHY do you keep asking that?!

[Virgil]: We still haven't gotten an answer. -sighs- He hasn't acted on any of the thoughts yet. So at least there's that.

[Logan]: Okay—

[Virgil]: But there's definitely something wrong with him. And unfortunately... he's not the naturally good person that you wish he was, Patton.

[Patton]: But- But Thomas always tries to put others before himself, we've all seen it!

[Virgil]: Yeah, he can ACT like a good person, just like Deceit can act like you. We've also seen that... doing what he thinks is right can... be pretty difficult for him.

[Logan]: Okay, you two are blowing this WAY out of proportion.

[Virgil]: Logan, I'm sorry, but Thomas can't Logic his way out of this one. Facts are facts. And the fact is: Thomas had twisted thoughts that a stable person would never have.

[Logan]: Actually, a "stable person", as you put it, could absolutely have those thoughts.

[Duke]: Shut your mouth, or I'll tear off your nipples and shove them up your nose.

[Patton]: Okay, so... we just have to... fake it 'til we make it?

[Duke]: OOH, like how Thomas is going to imagine making a sandcastle out of Joan's ashes until he ACTUALLY gets to do it!

[Thomas]: -cry-talking- STOP!

[Patton]: NO! Like... how you fake being good at something until you are. And... This something is... being a good person?

[Thomas]: But how do you fake not thinking about something?

[Virgil]: Yeah, didn't we try that earlier when we talked about Just Like Heaven? -visions play again- Aah!

[Patton]: AAHH!

[Thomas]: Nn!!

[Virgil]: URRR!!!

[Patton]: AAHH!

*visions end*

[Logan]: Hmmm...

[Thomas]: WHY?!

[Logan]: In trying to distract yourself from those unwanted thoughts, you seem to have created a mental connection between 2005's Just Like Heaven and last night's intrusive thoughts, that wouldn't have otherwise existed.

[Duke]: -summons David Abbott and Elizabeth Masterson from Just Like Heaven- Uh-oh! I'm here with the main characters from Just Like Heaven! David Abbott and Elizabeth Masterson! And I can do with them as I please!

[Thomas]: NOOOO! NOT DAVID ABBOTT AND ELIZABETH MASTERSON!!!

[Virgil]: You bastard!

[Patton]: -gasps-

[Virgil]: Okay, you can't pretend that THAT isn't happening.

[Duke]: -licks David- I'm about to smash the Hulk.

[Patton]: Uh, y- uh... you can pretend on the outside!

[Virgil]: What does that even mean?

[Patton]: As long as these kinds of thoughts stay in Thomas' head...

[Duke]: -choking Elizabeth- TURN INTO A GHOST!!!

[Patton]: ...then that's good enough for now.

[Duke]: -choking David- TURN INTO THE HULK!!!

[Thomas]: Patton, of course, they would stay in my head!

[Duke]: -summons a baby and a knife in Thomas' hands-

[Thomas]: Why would I wanna do any of this in real life? -notices what he's holding- Rraah! -throws them aside-

[Virgil]: You tell us! You're the one who's thinking about it!

[Duke]: Yeah, I didn't make him throw the baby. I merely gave him a baby... and a large, sharp, knife...

[Logan]: Not acting on every thought that he has isn't faking anything. I-I can't think of how one WOULD fake not doing something, other than by DOING something, and hiding that they're doing it.

[Duke]: OOH! How fun! -Deceit's theme plays- You know who could help us with that?

[Thomas]: N-! One of you is enough.

[Patton]: No, you guys aren't understanding me. They would stay in Thomas' head because he would pretend like he never had the thoughts in the first place!

[Thomas]: So... we're back to repression then? Logan said that that doesn't work!

[Patton]: That's what repression is??

[Virgil]: Well, what other options do we have?

[Thomas]: Virgil, I don't want to do what he says!

[Virgil]: You mean YOU don't wanna act on what YOU think!

[Logan]: Virgil! Enough.

[Duke]: Ugh, here we go, Virgil. Looks like Logan has reached his listening-to-others limit for the day.

[Logan]: This is not about me wanting to be listened to. You all are not listening to Thomas. What he's saying is worth noting.

[Virgil]: But what if he's lying?

[Logan]: I can assure you he's not. You're just para-... expressing an unhealthy amount of concern. Thank you for being on-guard. But for now, you must listen.

[Thomas]: -sighs- You have to believe me, Virge. Patton. I am not AT ALL enticed by anything the Duke is saying. I do not identify with anything about him!

[Duke]: -in Thomas' current outfit- Dress me up however you want, Thomas. I can be covert if you'd like!

[Logan]: -sighs- Psychologist Dr. Norman Epstein once said, "If a thought like that pops into your head, but you're not bothered by it at all, THAT could be a problem." Does Thomas seem bothered to you?

[Patton]: He does.

[Duke & Virgil]: But what about Jeffrey Dahmer?

[Duke]: He was pretty bothered too.

[Logan]: -sighs- He certainly was bothered. As a child. And he outgrew those feelings. Thomas is still distraught by his forbidden thoughts as an adult. Furthermore, Jeffrey Dahmer went on to murder innocent people. Say, how many people have YOU murdered, Thomas?

[Thomas]: None.

[Patton]: Well, THAT can't be where the bar is.

[Logan]: Patton, you of all sides should know that it isn't. Thomas, you're a religious man, correct?

[Thomas]: Uhh... yeah, but... there have been plenty of bad religious people throughout history.

[Logan]: Well, I cannot argue with that. Religion is not perfect. But when it is not abused, piety is just as valid as the innumerable other ways to live a principled life. To the best of your ability, you try to live your life based on a moral code set by your faith, correct? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", "Love thy neighbor as thyself", et cetera.

[Thomas]: Umm... yeah.

[Logan]: "Thou shalt not kill" is one such principle. But it certainly couldn't be said that THAT'S where the figurative bar has been set.

[Virgil]: Couldn't all this talk of religion create a connection between Thomas' beliefs and his intrusive thoughts?

[Duke]: Careful, Virgil! You're giving me ideas!

[Logan]: Actually, Virgil, Thomas' faith and his relationship with the Duke are, and always have been, inextricable.

[Patton]: Uhh... Uh-huh... I don't know about all that!

[Logan]: Thomas' Catholic upbringing has instilled in him that thought is a precursor to action. Consider some of the seven deadly sins. Greed... Pride... Envy... Lust... Wrath... Five of the seven deadly sins are committed in your head. There's a reason why the Duke has continuously used religious language. He's playing to your sensitivities. -sighs- It's fine if you disapprove of toxic thinking. But you can't banish any and all unpleasant thoughts when there's a constant stream of thoughts going through your head at all times. The Duke was right.

[Duke]: -picking his nose- What?

[Logan]: Not only does repression not work, but it can be very bad, indeed. I understand that your natural human reaction, when you see something disturbing, is to look away. But, if you let me examine the Duke's contributions, then I could expose him for being unrealistic, and figuratively dress him down.

[Duke]: Oh, well if that's what you wanted, Logan, -begins to unzip his pants- you could've just said so!

[Logan]: Uh-uh-uh-uh. I said... FIGURATIVELY. And that is why I say it. -clapping repeatedly- THAT IS WHY I SAY IT!

[Virgil]: Hm.

[Logan]: -clap- The real problem here isn't the disgusting drivel coming from the Duke.

[Duke]: Ooh! Thank you for the alliterative regards, Logan! I LOVE being given two D's at once!

[Virgil]: Okay, then what is the real problem, Logan?

[Logan]: ...It's you.

[Duke]: Uh-oh! Looks like the cat's out of the ball bag! Despite his best efforts, Virgil could never stop being the bad guy!

[Logan]: Oh, and, uh, Patton.

[Duke]: Record scratch?!!

[Virgil]: Patton?

[Thomas]: How?

[Logan]: He's being too strict. Oh, my goodness... PATTON is being too strict? It's not me for once? What does that mean? Am I cool? Does this make me cool? Am I being COOL?!

[Duke]: -shoves Logan's two front teeth up his nose; leaving him with a bloody face-

[Logan]: -blows teeth out of his nostrils-

[Thomas]: Oh my gosh!

[Logan]: -lisping- My teeth...

[Duke]: Yeah.

[Logan]: -still lisping- I thought you said—

[Duke]: I changed my mind. I'm unpredictable like that. I bet that really gets to you, huh, Logan? The opposite of rationality. There is no rhyme or reason to what I do. I just do! And what I DO is wreak havoc!

[Logan]: I'd say you just reek. FIGURATIVELY.

[Virgil]: Also, literally, though.

[Thomas]: -laughs-

[Patton]: Ohhh, what do you have to say to that, Duke?

[Duke]: E-Thank you? Reek is wh- what I was going for.

[Patton]: Well—

[Duke]: I mean, my deodorant's flavor is -holds up deodorant- Pickled Poo Logs.

[Logan]: Flavor?

[Virgil]: Deodorants don't have flavors, you don't eat deodorant.

[Duke]: -eating deodorant- Maybe YOU don't.

[Thomas]: Okay, I got one, guys. Since we call Roman "Princey", does that mean we should call you... "Dukey"?

[Patton & Virgil]: -laugh-

[Duke]: DUKEY?! I love it! Please do!

[Patton]: -exhales-

[Thomas]: Oy, okay, well there really is nothing you can say to him.

[Duke]: Or you COULD just call me by my name... Remus.

[Logan]: Hm. -goes to put his teeth back-

[Thomas]: You... you told me? Right off the bat? Just like that?

[Remus]: Of course, I did, Dr. Seuss! I would never hide anything from you!

[Logan]: -back to normal- The truth is, Remus, you don't get to me in the slightest.

[Patton]: -whispered- Wow!

[Logan]: Object impermanence renders you... pretty unintimidating.

[Remus]: -as if being punched- OOH!

[Logan]: What's so frightening about something with no real-world impact?

[Remus]: Oh, shut UP, nerdy Wolverine!

[Roman]: -still unconscious- -mumbling- How 'bout YOU shut up?

[Remus]: You wouldn't know impact if it hit ya in the face! HAHAHA! -throws shuriken at Logan; striking him in the forehead-

[Logan]: UH!

[Thomas]: AAH!

[Logan]: -collapses-

[Patton]: YOU KILLED HIM!

[Thomas]: He DOES make an impact!

[Logan]: -back to normal- -unfazed- Does he?

[Thomas]: -relieved sigh- Yeah, I would've gotten a full night's sleep if it weren't for him!

[Logan]: Mm, lack of sleep can negatively affect your memory, it weakens your immune system, and it increases your risk of heart disease. And that's only some of the potential side effects.

[Thomas]: Right. Y- exactly!

[Remus]: Ooh, maybe I AM a little scary!

[Logan]: However, your lack of sleep last night was the result of Virgil's reaction to Remus, not Remus himself.

[Thomas]: So?

[Logan]: So... the Duke only has power over you because Virgil and Patton believe that he does. Because you fear him. Without that, he'd have a much harder time hurting you.

[Remus]: -as if being punched- NNGH!!

[Logan]: So, what do you think? Can we... logic our way out of this one?

*encouraging music swells*

[Thomas]: I think we can!

[Logan]: Not really, no. There's no way to force intrusive thoughts out of your head. Please pay attention.

[Thomas]: ...S**t!

[Logan]: That said, you can learn to better deal with intrusive thoughts.

[Remus]: -demonic- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! -dead silence- Ha-ha! My devious plan was a success! You were all momentarily distracted!

[Logan]: ...Anyway, this issue extends—

[Remus]: Extends?! You remember that... erection medicine?

[Logan]: -soft but aggravated sigh- This issue goes beyond taking Remus seriously. Another major concern is when you try too hard to make sense of him.

[Patton]: But all of those horrible thoughts! I mean... they have to mean something!

[Logan]: No, they don't. Virgil was right, not all thoughts are meaningful. Remus said it himself, and I'm sure he'll say it again...

[Remus]: There is no rhyme or reason to what I do, I just do. A-skoodely-boo. Oh! Maybe there is a rhyme. -laughs-

[Logan]: If you aggressively interrogate Thomas about why the Duke said or did something, then you're only going to hurt Thomas. I mean... look at him now! He barely got any rest, due in large part to you two chastising him all night.

[Patton]: I acted like a real... b-hole.

[Duke]: -seemingly gone-

[Thomas]: Wai-... Is- is he gone?!

[Logan]: No, don't—

[Patton]: I think he's gone!

[Remus]: -appears out of nowhere- NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD!

[Thomas]: OH! Oh god!!

[Patton]: Aaaahhh!! Ohh!

[Virgil]: Ah, geez!

[Thomas]: Mm!!

[Remus]: Literally! Like, fingernails nailed to a chalkboard!

[Thomas]: Oh my gosh, it got worse! I didn't think it could get worse! UUGGHH!!

[Logan]: ...Don't do that. Never check to see if you've successfully gotten rid of him.

[Thomas]: Ho! Why is Remus becoming such a... nuisance, right now?

[Logan]: Well... How are you doing right now?

[Thomas]: I don't know! ...I'm fine.

[Logan]: ...Virgil, how's he doing?

[Virgil]: He recently realized he's a bigger liar than he thought he was, he doesn't understand himself, he's committed to skipping a big callback, and he's sleep-deprived. So, yeah. He feels like a piece of dirt who has no control over his life.

[Thomas]: ...Okay, yeah, that's- yeah.

[Logan]: And THAT is precisely why the Duke feels like such a threat. In part, at least. The feeling that you may be a bad person who doesn't have control over yourself or your destiny causes you to fear that you may actually act on these thoughts.

[Remus]: What if YOU... sniffed your DOG'S butt?

[Thomas]: -sigh- Shut up.

[Virgil]: I guess that makes sense. I mean... I sound the alarm whenever Roman suggests Thomas talk to a cute guy, so... it follows that I would have even more of a reaction to Remus' suggestions.

[Remus]: Speaking of suggestions, when are you actually going to jump out of a moving car? I've been bringing it up for years. Mm, still nothing.

[Thomas]: Yeah, I'm actually pretty used to that one.

[Logan]: But, to view the Duke's... contributions as "suggestions" is almost exaggerative. This issue is more of a matter of over-control than impulse control.

[Patton]: So, it IS okay to jump out of a moving car?

[Logan]: No. But it is okay if the thought of jumping out of a car happens to cross your mind.

[Patton]: Okay. Well... We've heard a lot about what NOT to do... what CAN we do?

[Logan]: Well, I'd imagine that you will now recognize many of the Duke's contributions AS intrusive thoughts. Which is actually really important. You must accept that these thoughts just... happen. And, again, the substance of these thoughts typically provide no insight into your true character.

[Remus]: -desperate- Uh, p- POOPY!

[Logan]: It's like if you had a child who, despite all of your best efforts, refuses to stop screaming on an airplane.

[Remus]: -angry- POOPY!

[Logan]: There's no out. Just accept it. They'll tire themself out in time, and you can better address the issue later. There's no rush for you.

[Remus]: -sad- Poopy...

[Logan]: It's okay. Just keep doing whatever you were doing before. The other passengers on the plane might become frustrated, and that's okay, too. Everything is okay.

[Thomas]: Wow.

[Patton]: That was amazing, Logan!

[Logan]: And you can always talk to someone. Wegner, who I mentioned earlier, as well as psychologist James Pennebaker, found that subjects who talked about their thoughts often felt better emotionally and physically. According to one study, in the United States, roughly one in fifty people suffer from intrusive thoughts. So, you're not alone. And if you can't find a personal friend who will listen or understand, then you should consider seeing a professional if the thoughts are really troubling you.

[Virgil]: *disapproving noise*

[Thomas]: Uh, I- I don't know.

[Logan]: -sighs- If you have joint problems, you see a rheumatologist. If you have stomach problems, you see a gastroenterologist. And therefore, if you have mental health problems, you see...

[Thomas]: A therapist.

[Logan]: And/or a psychiatrist. When something is hurting you, or inhibiting you, you seek someone who can help.

[Remus]: -huffs-

[Patton]: I didn't realize... what an impossible standard I've been setting. I can't control every little thing that pops into your head. This may be unnecessary, but... It's okay if you sometimes think some... icky thoughts, Thomas. You have my... permission.

[Thomas]: -sighs- Actually, that... does kinda help, Patton. And as for YOU—

[Logan]: Uh, that's- really not necessary, Thomas.

[Patton]: Why don't you just take a breather, kiddo?

[Thomas]: ...Yeah. Yeah. I should. -goes over to the couch to rest- Oh...

[Virgil]: You know what's funny? You used to really unsettle me. I thought that you were some... terrible illness. Now I can see that you're just... a common cold. A mild inconvenience that's... gone before you know it.

[Remus]: -laughs- You tickle me, Emo! Well, I enjoyed this! Good seeing you again, Virgil! Ah, it was just like old times! -sinks out-

[Roman]: -regains consciousness- Ugh... I can see now why everyone was reluctant to tell me what was going on.

[Thomas]: -gasps- Roman!

[Patton]: You're alive!

[Thomas]: I love you!

[Virgil]: Are you... good?

[Roman]: Mm, I don't know.

[Patton]: Aww, are you hurt at all?

[Roman]: -sighs- My head's fine. More than anything, I feel like I was struck by a... realization. Like Einstein, with the apple.

[Logan]: You mean Newton?

[Roman]: Oh, shut up, Nerdy Wolverine. No! Ugh! I mean... -sighs- I'm sorry, Logan. I didn't mean that.

[Logan]: It's... It's quite alright, Roman. However, the more pertinent question is... Is Thomas alright?

[Thomas]: Uh... Yeah. Yeah, I'm... I'm alright.

[Patton]: Alright, alright, alright! Am I right?

[Thomas]: That was not alright.

[Virgil]: That word's been said so much now that it sounds all... wrong.

[Logan]: Well, I believe I was summoned to help address this matter, and it seems to be settled now. Your next course of action should be settling into bed for the night to revitalize your immune system, as well as your short-term memory. You wouldn't wanna forget everything you've just learned.

[Thomas]: Logan... Thank you. So much!

[Logan]: Oh, please, don't mention it. Just another day's work.

[Thomas]: No, seriously. You're... really... cool...

[Logan]: -disbelieving noise- -sinks out-

[Patton]: Yeah, I'll, uh, I'll- I'll try not to pester ya too much tonight, kiddo. Now I can't promise that I'll never have another knee-jerk reaction... but I can try to make peace with whatever thoughts dance through your head. Whether they be sugarplums, or—

[Remus]: -pops up- SMELLY BUMS!

[Virgil]: Mm.

[Patton]: Or that. -sinks out-

[Remus]: This was fun! A Thomas Sandwich hold the Roman lettuce. You should really make that the usual because Roman will make ya sick.

[Roman]: And yet, as soon as I was removed from the picture, Thomas had a "Dukey" problem!

[Remus]: Thomas already made a "Dukey" joke. Byeee! -sinks out-

[Roman]: -frustrated noise- Don't like him.

[Thomas]: So... You have a brother...?

[Roman]: -sighs- Yeah. It's a little like looking into a funhouse mirror... but instead of a giant head, or, like, long legs and a tiny torso... it shows you... everything you don't wanna be.

[Thomas]: That doesn't sound like a very fun house.

[Roman]: Yeah. But, uh, well, whatever, you know? He's gone now, and he's never coming back!

[Thomas]: Oh, n- I don't think that that's—

[Roman]: Byeee! -sinks out-

[Thomas]: ...Okay. -clears throat- Virgil? You okay, buddy?

[Virgil]: Huh? ...Oh, uh... Yeah. I- I just... I'm a little disappointed in myself. I thought that I would be able to... protect you from them.

[Thomas]: Mm? Uh, the Dark Sides?

[Virgil]: The others. I... I thought... I thought I knew how to handle them.

[Thomas]: Oh, well, I- I think we're all trying to figure them out for now. I-It'll take some time to figure everything out.

[Virgil]: Yeah, but I should know better.

[Thomas]: Isn't that kind of unfair? Why should you be held to a different standard than any other side?

[Virgil]: Because I was one of them. -sinks out-

[Thomas]: -notices camera- -to viewers- ...Oh! Right! Um... So... Um, yeah. I'm sorry that you all had to see... ANY of that. The Duke stuff, I mean. Or... Remus. I know that intrusive thoughts, especially intrusive thoughts of the disturbing variety, are a taboo subject that can be... scary to deal with. And, sometimes, scarier to talk about. Even though it's a relatively common phenomenon. It's easy to feel like you've crossed some line, and thought the unthinkable, but please. If there's one thing you take away from this video, let it be this: Those thoughts that you may have thought... do not define you. We are thinking machines. Your brain generates ideas so easily, you literally do it in your sleep! So, a thought alone cannot make you a bad person. Especially an unwelcome thought. To echo the words of American journalist Paul Roberts: In the end, the most damaging, forbidden thought, the one we have been trained to block at every turn, may simply be that we are... really... okay. Until next time, take it easy, guys, gals and non-binary pals. PEACE OUT!

[Logan]: Go to bed!

[Thomas]: Okay!

*new scene*

[Thomas]: Before closing out this video, are you in the mood for food? "Always", you say? Well, that is a mood. And now with Hello Fresh, you can create new, exciting meals each and every week! Trust me, as someone who was at one point physically terrified of entering my own kitchen, partially due to a bad dream about demonic fridges, Hello Fresh makes conquering the kitchen a reality with its six-step recipe cards. Six steps, it's that easy. And I love a meal that does not play hard to get. Like this Chickpea-Powered Mediterranean Couscous! Trust me, before today, I didn't even know what any of those words meant. But now I know they mean friggin' delicious. You also have three plans to choose from and can switch back and forth on: Classic, Veggie, and Family. -chuckles- Whoa, easy, you're not gonna eat your family. With family plan, you get meals that are guaranteed to appease even the pickiest of eaters.

[Gavin]: Kid-tested and approved!

[Thomas]: See? I don't even know that kid! He breaks into my apartment and steals my Hello Fresh meals. GET OUT!

[Gavin]: Hee hee!

[Thomas]: GET OUT OF HERE! Why do you do these things?!?! -door slams- I have changed the lock FIVE TIMES! STOP IT! Hello Fresh is now from $6.99 per serving. That's less than your usual delivery cost! You can get started making delicious meals that will impress even the most scrutinizing of parent... That's right, called you out, Mom. ...With eight free meals! That's $80 off your first month of Hello Fresh by going to HelloFresh.com and entering the promo code "THOMASSANDERS80". Give it a try and get the most meal for your moolah.

*end card; in Thomas' bedroom*

[Thomas]: -yawns- Mm... Hmm.

*creepy music swells*

[Remus]: -eating deodorant-

[Thomas]: -unimpressed- Hmm. -gets out of bed-

*new scene; bathroom*

[Thomas]: -brushing his teeth-

*shower curtain moves slightly*

[Thomas]: -continues brushing his teeth-

[Remus]: -sweeps back shower curtain dramatically- -eats deodorant again-

[Thomas]: -spits and rinses-

*new scene; bedroom again*

[Thomas]: -getting dressed-

*horror movie sounds*

[Remus]: -shows up with a knife- -downs deodorant- All done!

[Thomas]: Gross! Alright, I'm gonna go make the promo for this video. -leaves room-

[Remus]: -tosses old deodorant case and whips up another one- Seconds, anyone? -villainous chortle- -starts eating deodorant again- -clone shows up dressed as Woody- There's a snake in my butt!


Transcriptsv · d · e
Season 1 My True Identity! · WAY TOO ADULT · Taking on ANXIETY with Lilly Singh!! · A New Year of Lying to Myself... In Song!! · The Dark Side of Disney! · I'M IN A DISNEY SHOW!! · The MIND vs. The HEART! · Alone on VALENTINE'S DAY! · Losing My Motivation · Sanders Sides Q&A · AM I ORIGINAL? · My NEGATIVE Thinking · Growing Up · Making Some Changes! · Becoming a CARTOON! feat. Butch Hartman! · ACCEPTING ANXIETY, Part 1/2: Excepting Anxiety! · ACCEPTING ANXIETY, Part 2/2: Can Anxiety Be Good?
Season 2 Fitting In (Hogwarts Houses!) · MOVING ON, Part 1/2: Exploring Nostalgia · MOVING ON, Part 2/2: Dealing With a Breakup · The Sanders Sides 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS! · Can LYING Be Good?? · Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? · Crofters - THE MUSICAL! Learning New Things About Ourselves · EMBARRASSING PHASES: The Nightmare Instead of Christmas! · Selfishness v. Selflessness · Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS · Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux
Sanders Asides Are There Healthy Distractions? · Flirting with Social Anxiety · Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts
Extras BLOOPER REEL! · Sanders Sides - BEHIND THE SCENES Q&A! · BLOOPER REEL!! The Bloop Strikes Back! · Behind the Scenes Featurette: Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? · 5 Sanders Sides Behind the Scenes Facts (Learning New Things About Ourselves)
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