*Mary Lee and Lee's wedding reception*
[Thomas]: -playing Word Crush on his phone-
*minigame scenario as the happy couple approaches him.*
[Lee]: Thomas! Oh my gosh, you made it! We're so happy to see you!
[Mary Lee]: How are you doing, you beautiful man?
*8-bit beeps and buzzers*
[Mary Lee]: Oh, I'm sorry for calling you beautiful. That was weird. My bad!
*8-bit beeps and buzzers*
[Lee]: You can call me beautiful, Mary Lee.
[Mary Lee]: I always do, beautiful!
[Lee & Mary Lee]: Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
[Lee]: Ah ha ha ha! We love each other. Hence, the marriage.
[Mary Lee]: Anyway, what's new, Thomas? Anything exciting going on in your life?
[Wedding Photographer]: Hey. You okay, buddy? You look real sad in this photo I just took.
*8-bit beeps and buzzers*
[Wedding Photographer]: Don't worry, I'll crop ya out.
[Emcee]: Can we have a couple for their first dance?
[Mary Lee]: Oh sorry, Thomas! Gotta go!
[Lee]: It was so great seeing you.
*game over music*
*intro; 8-bit rendition of theme music*
*flashback; March 31*
[Thomas]: WHOO!!! Guess who just got a callback for an Alfred Hitchcoppolucas movie?!
[Patton]: When is the callback?
[Logan]: April 13th.
[Patton]: He has a prior engagement that day.
[Thomas]: The wedding.
[Patton]: Nobody's perfect... Except for Thomas! He loves his friends!
[Thomas]: I want to go to the callback!
[Roman]: I hereby sentence you to one day at the Saint Clifford's Chapel on the day of Lee and Mary Lee's wedding. -gavel pound-
*end flashback; April 13*
[Thomas]: -bursting through door- MMMMM...! -heads towards usual spot WHAT THE F**K, EVERYBODY?!
[Patton]: -pops up- Now kiddo, if you're gonna dish out Fs, why don't we make them friendly hugs.
[Thomas]: Aah... F friends, Patton!
[Patton]: -gasps- Oh wait, you're talking about friendly hugging your friends.
[Patton]: -gasps- Thomas! You should never— -stops himself- Uh, I mean... I'm surprised that you would, uh, say something like that about your friends. I always thought that when it came to your pals, that sort of language would be... in-F-able.
[Thomas]: -angrily takes off suit jacket- Oh, it's very F-able. It's F-able as F! With a situation this... F**KED UP!
[Patton]: You're not at all, uh, excited for them?
[Roman]: -pops up- With so much F yous thrown about, -Thomas rolling up his sleeves- I doubt there's much he'd like to effuse about.
[Thomas]: Right, what do you mean am I not... Okay. You know what? Heh!
[Thomas]: Let's review.
[Roman]: Let's do.
[Thomas]: Thank you.
[Patton]: I hope we rhyme like this the whole way through.
[Roman]: I hope so too.
[Thomas]: So let's...
*new scene; 8-bit rhythm game format with Ace Attorney art style*
[Thomas]: ...start with the fact that the wedding was a total bust.
[Patton]: It was?
[Thomas]: It was.
[Roman]: It's just that going didn't pay off quite like we discussed.
[Patton]: You mustn't think that going to a wedding to support your friends would have any sort of, ehhhh, self-serving ends-
[Thomas]: I don't, but how bout more than just, "Hello"?
[Roman]: Yeah, something's iffy.
[Thomas]: Glad you're with me that the state of things is icky.
[Roman]: Is there something here we're missing?
[Patton]: No! I mean... you know we have gone through all of this before.
[Patton]: We four had helped you make the proper choice of wedding over your-
[Thomas]: Spare me the rest. Yes! The callback for a film that could have been my break.
[Patton]: Yeah, you could say...
[Roman]: And no one wanted you to go more than that slimy snake...
[Thomas]: Who pushed to do the egocentric thing: auditioning.
[Roman]: Yeah, that's Deceit!
[Patton]: A part of you so hard to chew it left me lost at sea.
[Roman]: If our goals aligned with his, what would that say?
[Thomas]: I felt forsaken. You were saying that we both have lost our way-
[Patton]: But in your face I saw this pain... and so I-
[Thomas]: I made this choice... and now I have a restless head; in my bed, I'll just feel this way-
[Patton]: What way?
[Thomas]: The way a groom might feel if he just watched as his bride ran away.
[Patton]: ...But you're gay.
[Thomas]: I'm saying if I made the right choice, why don't I feel right?
[Patton]: You may not tonight, but in time, you... might?
[Thomas]: I don't know, I think this feeling's here to stay...
[Roman]: It is a pity to admit he could have done more than just sitting at that wedding feeling sh-
[Thomas]: Quit reviewing.
*stage clear; end scene*
[Patton]: Boy, how could such an upsetting conversation happen in such a fun way?
[Roman]: Ugh, why didn't they just talk to us... more?
[Thomas]: Wait a minute. Why didn't I just talked to them... BEFORE the wedding?
[Roman]: Hmm. Hmm. I mean, mm, I kinda brought that up before, but I got shut down faster than an Antarctic ice pop shop so...
[Thomas]: Oh my gosh, I'm so stupid! I could have just... told them everything! If my one interaction with them was any indication, they obviously wouldn't have cared if I wasn't there at all.
[Roman]: -sighs- Maybe so.
[Patton]: W-Wait. Are you having second thoughts about choosing to go to the wedding, Roman?
[Roman]: Oh... No. Of course not. Uh, I just... wish we could have known how they felt. Maybe it could have... I don't know... made things a little easier for us.
[Patton]: Eh... Well, you know. Hindsight is 20/20. So...
[Thomas]: Okay, but if you're a sighted person with less than 20/20 vision, you don't just ignore whatever you see in front of you.
[Roman]: Mm... I see. We should start looking into ways to predict the FUTURE!
[Roman]: Huh! Ye- Hm. Very good.
[Thomas]: What I'm saying is I know Lee and Mary Lee. I can predict how many might act in specific situations. I know that they are very understanding people and I should've use that knowledge. That would have been using foresight. But I didn't do that so I... made a decision with a blindfold on.
[Roman]: But in Patton's defense, people are complicated fickle things, aren't they? You think you know someone and then WHAM! Out of nowhere... they fill your apartment with feral cats?! And now your somehow responsible for the vet bills? You've got to give them away, but despite your cat allergy, you've endeared yourself to them, especially to Mrs. Snuffles... more like Mrs. Sniffles! ...Because of the allergy.
[Thomas]: Your point being?
[Roman]: Foresight isn't really the most reliable tool that we have.
[Thomas]: Cool. So we don't use it at all?
[Patton]: We did use it. You've known Lee and Mary Lee for most of your life and they've always lent a helping hand when you needed it.
[Roman]: Mm, that's true. When your car broke down an hour out of town, who was the only person willing to come out and give you a jump?
[Thomas]: Mary Lee.
[Patton]: I don't know what good she thought jumping would do. What you needed was somebody to fix your car.
[Thomas]: And Lee always had my back in high school after I came out.
[Patton]: Exactly. Now here, they met up with you face to face to tell you about their wedding engagement, biggest day of their lives, and they asked if you could be there.
[Thomas]: I w- I wasn't even like a groomsman or anything.
[Patton]: Ah, well... It's not Lee's fault that so many brothers.
[Patton]: Yeah, Catholics.
[Roman]: Those baby-making Catholics.
[Patton]: We didn't have the first clue how it would make them feel. You thinking about giving their wedding a pass all because of a callback that really might not work out. Uh, not that you're not a talented guy!
[Roman]: No, yeah. Dame Judi Dench, or as I like to call her Queen Groovy Binch, didn't land her first big Hollywood movie role until she was sixty-one, so...
[Patton]: Uh- maybe they understand. But maybe they still really want you to go to the wedding and feel too guilty to say so. Or maybe you end up going to the wedding... and they feel guilty seeing you there because... they feel like they took a big opportunity away from you.
[Thomas]: But they wouldn't have felt that way.
[Patton]: But we didn't know that. Foresight means thinking about every possibility. Talking to them about it could have been harmful. And this was our chance to be there for them when it counted.
[Roman]: Was not talking to them worth it, though? I don't -at the same time- know.
[Thomas]: -at the same time- No.
[Roman]: Whatever happened to karma, you know? You do something good, good stuff happens to you.
[Thomas]: Right, yeah, why is the saying "karma's a b*tch"? Why can't it be... "Karma is a very fair person."
[Roman]: Uh... Why does their complexion matter?
[Patton]: Well kiddo, unfortunately, life isn't always like, uh, your video games. Sometimes you can make all the good choices and still... not get the good ending.
[Thomas]: I don't know if there even was a good ending to get.
[Roman]: Mm, I am pretty sure there was.
*new scene; good ending at wedding reception with "He's a Jolly Good Fellow" playing*
[Roman]: ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow... which nobody can deny. Which nobody can deny. ♪
[Thomas]: Roman, that... Wh- That actually does sound... jolly good.
[Patton]: I mean sure, it does sound very jolly and we can all agree that you are a good fellow.
[Thomas]: Can we ALL agree on that?
[Patton]: -stuttering- I- W-... Yes! I c-... We can all...
[Patton]: Okay, I understand now that I have been a little...
[Roman]: The mayor of Much-kin Land.
[Patton]: Sure, when it comes to—
[Roman]: Giving Thomas the third degree on his integrity.
[Patton]: Right. And yeah, it is my job to keep you on Santa's nice list, but I haven't been making you feel very nice. I don't wanna make you think you're some...
[Roman]: Stupid, dirty, rotten, filthy, silly, billy, no good for nothing, uh, white, uh r- s-, rat-scoundrel b*tch.
[Patton]: Okay, thank you, Roman, for your help.
[Roman]: You're welcome.
[Patton]: I'm done asking, "Is Thomas a good person?" I'm just here now to help you be as good at good as a good bud should.
[Thomas]: Okay, well, that's a relief. I think.
[Patton]: So yeah, you are a good fella, but not every good fella gets a big award. Only Joe Pesci.
[Roman]: Well, what do we get?
[Patton]: Sometimes, -makes a zero with his hand- it's just this.
[Roman]: A bagel?
[Patton]: What? No. Maybe... No, nothing. It's nothing.
[Patton]: Sometimes, you can't get anything because a lot of the time, people need something more than you do.
*new scenario; Pokémon art style*
[Patton]: Like, let's say you pass by some sort of... stop... where you can buy... games. A Game S-s-s-s... store.
[Roman]: -cutback- Ha-ha, you mean the internet? Hahahaha. I'm not going outside.
[Patton]: Oh, come on, Roman. Video games mean so much indoor time that they should cost a little outdoor time, don't you think?
[Roman & Thomas]: Uhh...
[Patton]: -back to scenario- Anyway, you see a poster for the latest installment in the Frogger franchise.
[Roman]: Ugh, you're such a dad.
[Thomas]: -in scenario- Uh buddy,... Um, Frogger's really a... big thing anymore.
[Patton]: -cutback- Then they're missing out. There is no video game character as cool as Frogger! Heck... He eats fly for breakfast.
[Patton]: And trying to cross a busy road without losing his froggy life? Ooh! Talk about ribbiting.
[Roman]: Like, you're such a dad that it's too much to handle sometimes.
[Patton]: -back to scenario- Anyway, everyone's raving about the new Frogger. Best one yet! Amazing graphics! At least sixteen graphics!
[Thomas]: -in scenario- Do you even know what you're saying right now?
[Patton]: And... -gasps- Oh, yay! It's on sale for about, I don't know, as much as a hot dog is worth.
[Roman]: Patton, that's what you get when you return a game.
[Patton]: You have just enough money to buy it! But as you walk up to the door, you're stopped by a homeless, down-on-his-luck actor and he—
[Roman]: -cutback- Who is it?
[Patton]: Whoever you want.
[Roman]: Aw, come on, Patton. How is Thomas supposed to feel empathy for this person if he has no one to visualize?
[Patton]: -back to scenario- Alright, it's eh... Leslie Odom Jr.
[Roman]: -cutback- What? W-Why Leslie??
[Thomas]: I need backstory for this. What happened, Patton?
[Patton]: Uh, I don't know, uh... He- He spilled his drink on Stephen Sondheim at a party and Sondheim said... "Mm, gosh darn it, Leslie! You'll never work in this razzle-dazzle town again!"
[Roman]: Well he just... he should just move to another town, right?
[Thomas]: Pbbbt! Wow, this- this hypothetical version of Stephen Sondheim sounds like a real mother-crupper.
[Patton]: -back to scenario- Sooo... Mr. Odom Jr. tells you that he's very hungry and he points you to a nearby hot dog vendor. It's just a few yards away.
[Roman]: -cutback- By the liquid lipstick of William Shakespeare... A hot dog would cost Thomas his entire Frogger fund. It's all coming together.
[Patton]: -back to scenario- What do you do? Pretend you're talking on the phone so he leaves you alone? Tell him, "I don't have any money, Leslie", and hightail it the heck out of there? Buy him a hot dog? Or do you hightail it the heck out of there?
[Thomas]: -in scenario- And I really, "really" want this Frogger game?
[Patton]: -cutback- Yeah, you do! You woke up at 6 am dull to go and get it!
[Thomas]: 6 am dull? Y- Do you mean sharp?
[Patton]: No, that's really early for you so you weren't quite able to get out of bed until like 6:08.
[Thomas]: -back to scenario- Well, regardless, of course, I'd buy him the hot dog.
[Patton]: So, you mustered up the will to give him a dinner that he could relish, only... -gasps- Uh oh! When he takes the hot dog, he walks away without thanking you. What do you do now? Do you say, "You're welcome", in a way that lets them know you think he was rude? Do you prompt him by saying, "What do you say?" Do you physically take the hot dog back? Or do you go about your day?
[Thomas]: -in scenario- I mean... there's an obvious right answer here.
[Roman]: Please don't tell me you're going to wrestle Tony Award-winning actor Leslie Odom Jr. for a hot dog.
[Thomas]: -in scenario- What? No! I'm going to go about my day.
[Patton]: Ugh... Even though he didn't say thank you?
[Thomas]: He doesn't have to.
[Roman]: Just like you didn't have to get him a hot dog.
[Patton]: -grimaces- I feel like you kinda do though. Uh- maybe. Y-You don't need the new Frogger.
[Thomas]: Well, no one needs a new Frogger.
[Roman]: Why do you think Thomas has to give the money, Patton?
[Patton]: Well... Because that money was going to a... luxury item. In that situation, it's so easy. It's all right in front of you. A hungry person comes up to you and says, "I need food, and the food I need is right there." You have the money and it wasn't going to something you needed. You can disagree... but I feel like it might be kinda... wrong to keep the money for yourself.
[Logan]: -pops up as a pixelated info box titled "Logan's Lowdown"-
[Thomas]: -caught off-guard-
[Patton]: -ala Mario- Mamma Mia!
[Roman]: Jesus Christ Superstar! What is that?!
[Logan]: It's just me, Logan. I've taken this form because I didn't want to be too... invasive.
[Roman]: You very much did not succeed.
[Thomas]: Whatchya doing, Logan?
[Logan]: Well, determining what feels right or wrong for you isn't really my area of expertise. Seeing how there's not much left at stake at this juncture and that regret unfortunately is a process that can't be expedited, I decided that I need not expend too much energy on this matter. However, I felt that it would behoove all parties involved if I provided relevant information to serve as supporting evidence to any of the arguments that are made during today's discussion.
[Patton]: Neato! So you're making your little factoids optional this time around.
[Logan]: Uh... Facts. Factoid is a term coined by Norman Miller to describe false facts invented for magazines in order to manipulate the readers. And yes, I suppose they could be viewed as optional; your two options being "informed" or "ignorant". -two buttons show up that say "informed" and "ignorant"-
[Roman]: Oh. I've got this one, guys. -presses "ignorant" button- -Logan is disappointed- -giggling- I'm just- I'm just um... I'm just kidding.
[Patton]: Roman, you shouldn't push people's buttons.
[Thomas]: Enough joking around, Roman. Go on, Logan.
[Roman]: -quietly- Jesus Christ Superstar.
[Logan]: Thank you, Thomas.
[Thomas]: Oh! Guess I won't be wrestling a hot dog away from Logan. Hahaha! -Logan is annoyed- 'Cause he... 'Cause he thanked me... -laughs- I ju- I, um... Sorry, uh... Please go ahead, Logan.
[Logan's Lowdown]: "It would be an estimated annual cost of 20 billion dollars to eliminate homelessness in the United States according to Mark Johnston, the acting assistant housing secretary for community planning and development."
[Roman]: Oh, holy Hera. We gotta read? Agh, um... -reading aloud- "It would be an estimated annual cost of 20 billion dollars to eliminate homelessness in the United States according to Mark Johnston, the ac-"
[Logan's Lowdown]: (continues) "Americans spend more than 20 billion dollars on Christmas decorations and flowers every year so it would seem that many Americans do have the currency to spare to end homelessness in the United States forever."
[Roman]: Oh. Uh, lost all that. Okay. Uh- uh... -reading aloud- "Americans spend more than 20 billion dollars on Christmas decorations and flowers every year so it would seem that many Americans do have the currency to spare to end homelessness in the United States forever." -Logan's Lowdown sinks out- Hoo! Okay. I am, uh... I'm not doing that again. I am sorry.
[Patton]: That was too fast. Can you- One more time, Roman.
[Thomas]: Huh. Yeah, I guess everyone doing their small part for those in need could make a difference.
[Logan's Lowdown]: -pops up- "Similarly, if every U.S. household were to give up just 1% of their wealth, then that would be enough to end homelessness in the United States for the next 50 years."
[Thomas]: And even if I can't change things on my own, something as little as briefly helping a greatly troubled prodigious actor would still give me more pleasure -Logan's Lowdown sinks out- than playing Frogger.
[Roman]: Well, yeah! I mean it's Frogger we're talking about. Like, it's not like Kingdom Hearts.
[Patton]: Yeah, as long as that's not the main reason you're doing it.
[Patton]: Oh, uh, well, you shouldn't do a good thing just because it makes you feel good, I- I think.
[Thomas]: I... You literally said the opposite to Deceit when we were back in the courtroom.
[Patton]: Yeah... I did. But we all agreed that in that situation, the right thing to do was go to the wedding which didn't feel good at all. So... Yeah, I was wrong. Not to mention Deceit said that you'd be doing the right thing for a selfish reason if you did it for your own emotional gain.
[Roman]: And you agree?
[Patton]: Definitely, uh, maybe.
[Thomas]: Great, I love that movie.
[Patton]: I-I mean you kn- I think so. What do you think?
[Roman]: Oh. Uh... Well... I think we all know I'm... not exactly an expert in the... moral medium.
[Thomas]: No, go ahead, Roman. I'd like to hear from you.
[Patton]: -mumbling- Yeah, go ahead. Go.
[Roman]: Okay. Um, I... don't know how much it matters why you do something.
[Thomas]: What do you mean?
[Roman]: Oh, it was nothing. Uh, it was stupid.
[Patton]: Uh- Oh- no, no!
[Thomas]: No, please continue.
[Patton]: Yeah, I... I'm sorry, Roman.
[Roman]: Okay, um, so like...
*new scenario; Super Mario All Stars art style*
[Roman]: Say a very handsome prince...
[Thomas]: -cutback- Who's the prince?
[Roman]: -back to scenario- I don't know, uh, Leslie Odom Jr.
[Patton]: Oh, wow! Guess old Sondheim couldn't keep him down.
[Roman]: Um, yeah, that's right. From homeless and royally screwed to castle dwelling royalty dude!
[Thomas]: Just your typical Tuesday.
[Roman]: Anyway, Leslie offers up a reward.
[Thomas]: What's the reward?
[Roman]: Leslie's famous cake!
[Thomas]: Phrase it.
[Roman]: What? Leslie's literal cake that he baked. Oh my gosh! -back to scenario- He offers it to whomsoever is able to rescue his Kingdom from the clutches of the scute-bellied tyrant -Deceit in Bowser's form- who is currently occupying said kingdom.
[Logan's Lowdown]: -pops up- "Scutes are the short, wide, rung-like scales on the underside of a snake."
[Logan's Lowdown]: -sinks out-
[Roman]: Even if someone rescued the kingdom for the reward... I don't know, I just feel like it- it doesn't make much of a... difference so long as... all of the denizens are liberated?
[Patton]: Huh. That... That is something that um... I don't know if it's right.
[Thomas]: You don't know if it's a good thing that everyone was saved?
[Roman]: Wow, Patton. Way to be a- uh, side with valid doubts about a complex moral issue.
[Patton]: Of course, I think it's good that the kingdom is safe. That's great. The most important thing. But you know, the people in this kingdom are suffering at the slimy hands of this... eh, this...
[Roman]: Reptilian rapscallion.
[Patton]: I was just blanking on the word "guy", but you know, sure. People are being hurt by this reptilian with scallions...
[Patton]: and this person doesn't care about them? They just want to earn some reward? That doesn't sound like a very good person to me.
[Roman]: Yeah, probably not.
[Thomas]: Ugh. Fair enough, but I wouldn't even argue for that much. Saving people for a reward is totally different from helping someone out just because it feels nice to help.
[Logan's Lowdown]: -pops up- "A study was conducted at Berkeley that looked at the correlation between an individual's happiness and the amount of selfless acts that they performed. This was done by comparing three groups: Group A was not instructed to perform any acts of kindness, while Group B was instructed to meet the quota of five acts of kindness within a week. Group C, however, was instructed to perform all five acts of kindness within one day. It was found that Groups B and C (both of which performed acts of kindness) saw an increase in how they rated their own happiness, but the most significant increase was in Group C (five kind acts in one day)."
[Thomas]: Like, if the person in Roman's scenario saved the kingdom just because it made them feel good, then no one would argue that they aren't a good person?
[Patton]: Wh- I mean, maybe not, b-
[Thomas]: Am I not allowed to feel good if I do something good?
[Patton]: Wh- O-Of course you are... That's just not why you do it. -Logan's Lowdown sinks out- At least, I don't think so.
[Roman]: But I mean, you're morality. You're the guy who makes that call so... Why do we do it?
[Patton]: -sighs- Well... You don't do it because it makes you feel good. You do it because It's the right thing to do.
[Roman]: Okay. How do we know it's the right thing to do?
[Patton]: You just... know.
[Thomas]: Gah... It's okay. T-that's not exactly the kind of answer I was hoping for, but...
[Patton]: Well, it's kinda... just... in all of us, you know? Why is killing and stealing illegal everywhere?
[Thomas]: Is it?
[Patton]: Why do we all agree that that's not okay to do? I think it all comes back... to empathy. Humans understand each other. We know what feels good and what causes pain. If a whole kingdom is in danger, well, everyone kind of knows that the right thing to do if you can save a large group of innocent people is... save them.
[Roman]: Well, okay. What about... uh, mm... Let me ask you this.
*new scenario; Earthbound art style*
[Roman]: What if you can only save the large group of people by hurting another innocent person? That causes pain, but you said the right thing to do is to save the group?
[Patton]: Oh, you... ooh... uh... uh... can't hurt an innocent person.
*train head towards fork in tracks; screen goes black*
*Thomas: Is it over?*
[Logan's Lowdown]: -pops up, reading from flashcards- "That scenario was an illustration of the classic dilemma, the Trolley Problem. "Trolley Problem" is a term coined by Judith Thompson, who also devised its two most famous variants, the "Footbridge" and the "Switch" (the latter being the version that was just demonstrated). The Trolley Problem is intended to raise questions about our moral priorities: is it more important to minimize casualties, or is it more important to strictly adhere to ethical rules (the notion that it is wrong to kill another human being, in particular). Furthermore, the Trolley Problem asks us to examine the distinction between actively killing someone, and passively letting people die."
[Thomas]: Constructive criticism, you know, maybe not depict scenarios where my friends die.
[Roman]: Okay, um, I'm really not trying to argue with you, Patton. Uh, but you said everyone knows that it's right to save innocent people when you can. Is that not always true?
[Patton]: Well, not when it's like that. Y- It's never okay to hurt an innocent person.
[Roman]: So that rule trumps the other rule.
[Thomas]: -gasps- ROMAN!
[Patton]: You know we don't like to use the T-word in this house.
[Logan's Lowdown]: -sinks out-
[Roman]: Oh, sorry. So, the rule about not hurting people... OVERRULES -clicks tongue- the rule about saving people.
[Patton]: Y-yeah, that makes sense, right? Right?
[Thomas]: Wh- uh...
[Roman]: But what about the people that got hurt?
[Patton]: It's... That was a terrible tragedy that you couldn't do anything about.
[Roman]: But you could have done something. Uh, you could have redirected the train.
[Patton]: But... That something wasn't an okay thing to do.
[Roman]: Okay, so it's not about the end result then. It's about the "how". Like, how you do whatever you do.
[Patton]: Right, the "how". And the "why". Uh, you don't let the train hit the group of people because you think they deserve to get hit more than the one person.
[Logan's Lowdown]: -pops up- "What Patton is saying ties into the principle of deontology. Deontological ethics prioritizes specific duties above anything and everything else; a value system that is perfectly summed up in expressions like "Duty for duty's sake," and "Let justice be done though the heavens fall." One of the duties that Patton is appealing to (which I had already mentioned earlier as it is the most common argument leveled against redirecting the train in the Trolley Problem) is the aforementioned ethical rule that one should not murder a fellow human being, even if one finds oneself in the middle of an extremely specific set of circumstances in which homicide preserves more life than is terminated. There is a natural tension between deontology and consequentialism, as deontology determines whether an action is right or wrong without much consideration of the ends of said action. Furthermore, the deontologically inclined might concern themselves with the intention behind a given action (a factor that would most likely be completely disregarded by a consequentialist). Deontological principles were first defined by 18th century German-" -the box is too close to Patton and hits his nose-
[Patton]: -loses two health points-
[Logan]: Oh my gosh!
[Thomas]: Patton, my blinds!
[Logan]: I am so sorry.
[Thomas]: Did you break my blinds?
[Logan]: I popped up to close there.
[Roman]: -ala Link from Ocarina of Time- AAHH!! -slices Logan's Lowdown-
[Patton]: Ooh. Thanks, Roman. You really "cut" the tension there.
[Roman]: -sighs- Okay.
[Thomas]: Y-You okay?
[Patton]: Oh yeah, I'm great.
[Thomas]: You sure?
[Patton]: Nah, I'm good. Figment of imagination, so...
[Thomas]: Okay... so about the whole why thing. What is a good "why" when it comes to why I should do good? Uh- I know you said earlier you do it because it's right, uh so... I guess what I'm asking is... What do I do it for? W-What's the outcome? What motivates me?
[Patton]: I mean... I- I don't have all the answers, but I would say... putting more good into the world.
[Thomas]: Gah! I wish that was a more satisfying answer, but it just... isn't.
[Patton]: You know I'm- I'm not doing a really great job explaining this philosophy. Um, Logan.
[Logan]: -pops up-
[Patton]: What would a real philosopher think about what I'm saying here?
[Logan]: Well, Frederich Nietzsche really wouldn't have been thrilled with anything you've had to say, primarily because pity seems to be at the center of your idea of "putting good into the world".
[Patton]: Th-that's not what—
[Logan]: Nietzsche famously rejected the notion that pity was a virtue.
[Patton]: -quietly- Okay.
[Logan]: He once claimed that pity -with a German accent and morphs into Nietzsche- "runs counter to the instincts that preserve and enhance the value of life..." -back to normal- -"Skip All" button shows up- So Thomas is—
[Patton]: -clicks "Skip All" button-
[Logan]: -gets swished away by a crook and info box sinks out-
[Patton]: Well, you can't exactly learn how to care about others from a book, can ya?
[Thomas]: It's okay, Patton. I mean, I don't really agree with... the Mustache Meister either.
[Roman]: Huuggh... He does have a stu-per, duper, unique mustache.
[Thomas]: What he calls pity, I call empathy, and empathy is good. But I really don't understand what I need to change so that I can meet your standard of... ugh... having the right motivation?
[Roman]: I think I understand. Your desires are getting in the way. The problem is, in all honesty, that you want to spend your money on that new Frogger game more than you want, or- or even think, to give your money to the homeless. And... And that you wanted to go to that callback more than you wanted to support your friends. The blame falls to me if you are missing that do-gooder drive. I think it's because I'm in the driver's seat. And I'm an awful driver. Perhaps... Perhaps I should let Patton take the wheel.
[Patton]: -quietly- No...
[Thomas]: Roman... I only mean well when I say... that that is the stupidest thing... you have ever said.
[Roman]: Oh, Thomas. You're just blowing smoke.
[Patton]: Really, Roman i-it's the opposite. I-I need you on my team... more than anyone. If we're talking about a drive or Thomas' will, then there's honestly... no side more helpful than you.
[Roman]: I mean... I guess.
[Thomas]: But I get why Roman's confused. Patton, I don't know what form the drive you're talking about would take. Everything I do is motivated by some sort of feeling; I eat because they feel hungry, I drink because I feel thirsty. I don't know what feeling would motivate me to go out and do good if not... some sense of self-satisfaction. The only thing I'm feeling right now is guilt over the things that do you motivate me... which kind of makes me not want to do anything.
[Patton]: Oh, gosh! I-I'm sorry about whatever I said to make you feel that way! Doing nothing is even worse!
[Thomas]: -heavy exhale-
[Patton]: Oh, oh, oh. Ne- Never mind, I'm sorry.
[Roman]: Worse? Worse than what?
[Patton]: Uh... I don't know if I should say.
[Thomas]: Y-You might as well.
[Patton]: Mm... I'm kind of scared to...
[Thomas]: Look, Patton. I already feel bad, so I'd rather not feel bad and confused.
[Patton]: Doing nothing is worse than doing a good thing for the wrong reasons. Uh, like, we talked about how you have to... well, uh, d- I think it's good to give your money to a good cause if you are planning to spend it on something you don't need, and I feel like the same principle kinda goes for spending time? Maybe...
*new scenario; Street Fighter art style*
[Patton]: Time spent serving up knuckle sandwiches to bad guys in a video game could be maybe better spent serving up soup and sandwiches to the hungry in a local shelter.
[Logan]: -pops up- I have a difference of opinion on this one, Patton.
[Thomas]: -sigh- Thank you, Logan.
[Logan]: I'm sure we're all familiar with the somewhat tired metaphor for self-care: You must put on your own oxygen mask before helping your fellow passenger. An analogy that warns against the practice of helping others with their personal issues when you yourself are in need of help.
[Thomas]: -sighs- I do need help.
[Logan]: It's ironic that that illustration's so overused at this point because it has almost become as easy to tune out that advice as it is to tune out the actual safety instructions on a flight; easy, and very dangerous. In the event that a plane cabin becomes depressurized, you do not have long to secure your oxygen mask before you risk your oxygen saturation levels dropping too much, leading to hypoxia (which is just insufficient oxygen for life functions). Hypoxia's symptoms can include: An inability to communicate, confusion, unconsciousness, and possible death.
[Thomas]: Three out of four of those are normal for me. Do I have hypoxia right now?
[Logan]: Having heard a piece of information before does not give you license to ignore it in the future, especially when the consequences of forgetting are so perilous.
[Patton]: Logan, I completely agree with you. But I really don't see how that relates to what we're talking about.
[Roman]: Yeah, Logan. Like you said earlier, this isn't really your area of expertise. Uh, Patton never said Thomas couldn't help himself, especially in a situation as dire as putting on his oxygen mask in a ground-bound plane.
[Patton]: Of course, I wouldn't say that. I've agreed in the past that Thomas should take the time to make sure he's doing okay and to temporarily put himself first he if he needs to.
[Logan]: And just like all of the moral dilemmas we've been discussing, it can seem easy to confidently state what you would do in a difficult situation without legitimately knowing how you would behave when your instincts take over. In theory, you believe Thomas can and should take some time to care for himself, but every point you've made in today's discussion has contradicted that sentiment.
[Patton]: Wh? I- No- I...
[Roman]: How? I don't think video games vs. community service as a threat to Thomas taking care of himself.
[Logan]: -huff- Nearly every answer Patton has given to the moral questions throughout this discussion has suggested that a moral life is a life without spending surplus capital and time on leisure activities. Dr. Robert A. Stebbins defined "leisure" as "...activity engaged in during free time, which people want to do and... actually do in either a satisfying for the filling way (or both)." Leisure means experiencing freedom— it's your time and you do what you want with it, which in turn contributes to a feeling of control and improved self-esteem. A lack of control and self-esteem are two factors that you all now understand can worsen Thomas' relationship with intrusive thoughts— and they have. Additionally Doctors Iwasaki, Messina, and Hopper wrote that leisure time promotes a joyful life and if that isn't enough, pleasurable activities stimulate the production of neurochemicals which can then improve one's physical health. Leisure is something that Thomas needs more of in his life in order to feel like he has a life, and Patton is essentially suggesting that Thomas isn't being as good of a person as he'd like him to be if he doesn't sacrifice his life for others.
[Patton]: WHOA!! That is... That is not what I said!
[Logan]: Oh, is it not? Then please, correct me if I'm wrong.
[Patton]: Uh- w- You're wrong!
[Logan]: So if it was between Thomas' life or another's, you don't think Thomas should give his life up.
[Patton]: Whoa- l... uh...
[Logan]: Oh and this other person is an innocent little lamb?
[Patton]: Okay. I... um...
[Logan]: Or how about a group of innocents.
[Patton]: Huh- um... I-I don't... Um, I don't...
[Roman]: Actually, I would like to know, Patton. What should Thomas doing that kind of -Logan's Lowdown sinks out- situation?
[Patton]: I... -glitching- don't... -glitching-
*new scenario; Mega Man art style*
.[Patton]: ..KNOOOOOW!!! MAYBEEE?! -turns into a giant frog monster, trashing the apartment-
[Thomas]: Patton! It's- It's ok! Please calm down!
[Patton]: -lower pitched- We do all think of people who lay down their lives for others as the greatest heroes, so... I-I-I don't know!
[Logan]: -pops up- You don't know? Earlier you suggested that all people naturally understand right and wrong. So? Should Thomas die so that others may live?
[Logan's Lowdown]: -sinks out-
[Patton]: Yes? Uh- I mean... Maybe? ...Or maybe not! What do I know? What do you think, Thomas? If it's your life... -holding Leslie Odom Jr.- or Leslie's!
[Roman]: By the slow wit of Heracles, Patton, leave Leslie out of this one!
[Patton]: B-But how is Thomas supposed to feel empathy for this person if he has no one to visualize?
[Roman]: Is there no one else he can feel empathy for?
[Patton]: You're right, Roman. -tosses Leslie aside, opens his Stardew Valley style inventory- Thomas' life... -holds Lee and Mary Lee- ...or Lee and Mary Lee's! -transition to Earthbound scenario from before- What do you say, Thomas? Uh, I don't know the right answer here! It's up to you!
[Logan]: -pops up- ENOUGH! -screen goes black apart from him and the info box- -back to previous scenario- This isn't working. This entire conversation has become so muddled due to a constant misleading misuse of "conscientious" language. -pops out of info box- -Deceit's theme starts playing- You'll need a sharp side to cut through all of this bull... -faces the others- frog. -Logan's Lowdown sinks out- A sort of... subterfuge specialist. -holds up a black cape- The Lord of the Lies. -swishes cape over himself, revealing that he's actually Deceit-
[Patton, Roman, & Thomas]: -alarmed by Deceit's presence-
[Deceit]: I'm happy to oblige.
[Roman]: -mimicking alarm- WHOOP, WHOOP! Reptilian Rapscallion! REPTILIAN RAPSCALLION! WE'VE GOT A CODE YELLOW!!
[Roman]: What have you done with Logan?!
[Deceit]: Nothing at all, and I resent the question.
[Thomas]: Hold on! What are you talking about, Deceit? Who's misleading who?
[Deceit]: -pulls Thomas behind him with the crook seen earlier- Patton's misleading you.
[Patton]: Frogwash! I may be amphibian, but I can't say that I... am fibbin'!
[Roman]: That's richer than Jeff Bozos coming from the self-proclaimed "Lord of the Lies"!
[Deceit]: Do keep it up with the word-play, it never gets old... He didn't mislead you on purpose, Thomas. I don't think the little guy... or... the big frog is capable of that sort of thing.
[Roman]: He may have just threatened the life of Broadway's original Aaron Burr himself, but you leave our rosy-cheeked ribbeter alone!
[Deceit]: Patton, I'm loving this new direction that you're going with your rhetoric, sprinkling in a few "maybes", "who-knowses", or "what-do-you-thinks". Why are you doing that?
[Patton]: Because I found out that I was being too tough on Thomas, and it was driving him hopping mad! So I tried to share my thoughts... in a softer way.
[Deceit]: Right, because making Thomas feel inadequate for not dying in someone else's stead isn't tough at all. -his words become a ball of power which hurt Patton- Here's the thing, Patton: Pushy is pushy. That faux-flexible rhetoric that you're using to "soften" your approach doesn't change your intentions. It just... disguises them. -his words once again hurt Patton-
[Roman]: That was just a hypothetical! Patton's not actually suggesting that Thomas should pursue martyrdom!
[Patton]: Right! I don't want Thomas to croak! That's my job! -croaks-
[Roman]: We're talking about what-ifs, worst case scenario kind of stuff!
[Patton]: What I'm saying is Thomas has a really good life that other people... don't. You're over there talking about putting on your oxygen mask before helping another passenger, but we're not in a crashing plane! If the situation was that serious, then sure, he can focus entirely on himself... but does he deserve it? I don't know. And I don't know if I can believe whatever you tell me. -his words become a ball of power- -catches ball with his tongue, and fires it at Deceit-
[Deceit]: -dodge's Patton's attack; making it hurt Thomas-
[Patton]: Treating yourself is something that you can take too far!
[Deceit]: You can take anything too far, Patton. -motions towards Thomas- You've taken things too far. The plane is going down. You need to give Thomas... some room to breathe.
*Both health bar titles become "Thomas Mental Health"* Patton turns back. Everything goes back to normal.
[Patton]: -turns back to normal-
*Apartment reverts back; end scenario*
[Patton]: I really don't know what I'm talking about. -Thomas heads back to his usual spot- I can't not know.
[Roman]: Patton, what are you saying? W-We can still beat him. -Deceit is now in Logan's usual spot- We've beaten him before.
[Thomas]: -looks at Deceit- Ow! Sorry, I have not looked in this direction the whole time.
[Roman]: Don't give up now.
[Patton]: No. He's right. I'm bringing this plane down.
[Roman]: What?! How?! He's the actual snake on the plane! And I for one, am tired of this morality fighting snake on this metaphorical plane!
[Deceit]: You know, I'm actually glad you brought up the oxygen mask illustration again, Patton.
[Patton]: And that means you're not glad, right?
[Roman]: Of course not. He's just trying to build up a false confidence in you so that you can plummet to even greater depths.
[Deceit]: That does sound like a very funny wholesome prank, but no. I mean it. The idea is that you need not reach for your oxygen mask unless the plane is crashing. But when you apply that logic to real life, the analogy falls apart. A plane going down is an emergency, but self-care shouldn't be put off until you experience a mental health crisis. Mental health management is a little more like a training to be a lifeguard. You have to spend time practicing and preparing and building up your strengths so that when you're inevitably faced with an emergency, you are better equipped to handle it.
[Thomas]: Wait, but you just used a job that's all about helping others as a metaphor for me putting myself fir-
[Deceit]: UH-D-D-DOY! I-I realized that, uh, before you brought it up! Just as I'm sure you realize a metaphor someone makes up on the spot isn't going to be perfect!
[Thomas]: How about this:
*new scenario; Final Fantasy art style with characters from a previous Sanders Short*
[Thomas]: So, in some games, you have to use your turn to give yourself a power boost or to heal yourself. And even though that move only benefits you in that instant, it ultimately makes you a more helpful party member.
[Logan]: -pops up- -not happy-
[Deceit]: Oh, sh*t, b*tch.
[Logan]: Not that any of you care, but I am unharmed, and I don't want to talk about it. I'm just here to deliver one last fact, then I will do you all a favor and spare you my company.
[Patton]: Oh, Logan, I-
[Logan]: PETER SINGER is an Australian philosopher and activist who champions the movement known as "effective altruism". The primary feature that differentiates effective altruism from other moral philosophies is its practicality. It employs the heart and the mind so that effective altruism can earn its namesake and actually... be effective. The aim is to help as many people as possible while maintaining a "perfectly adequate standard of living". So a poor, sick person giving five of their last fifteen cents to an aid organization while incredibly altruistic, is not effective altruism because that money won't go very far, and the act would only harm that person's already unacceptable standard of living. Fellow effective altruist William Macaskill recommends that people who can and are inclined to should go into fields like banking or finance because more money earned means more money to give.
[Thomas]: Right, like I said, I need to give myself a buff so that I can better help others.
[Logan]: And you need to maintain an adequate standard of living. You can't forget that part. If the variety of generosity that you subscribe to leaves you feeling depressed, or like your life isn't your own, then you need to reevaluate things.
[Deceit]: What do you know? If it came down to video games -Logan's Lowdown sinks out- or volunteering at a local shelter, it actually might be okay to prioritize gaming sometimes; if video games are an essential ingredient in your recipe for self-care.
[Patton]: Emphasis on the "sometimes" though, right? We should still try to help those in need.
[Deceit]: Whatever, sure, if that's your thing. -Patton looks offended- I mean TOTALLY, yes, of course! But. Mental health should be regarded with the same life or death attitude as physical health. You've been taught to feel guilty for taking care of yourself. ...But you were also taught that Christopher Columbus was a pretty cool guy. A lot of your education was... coursh*t. Forgive the pun.
[Roman]: So, what? We're supposed to do a complete 360 and head right back in a selfish city?
[Deceit]: You mean a 180.
[Roman]: Don't you talk to me about math! You're not Faux-gan anymore! That's faux Logan if you're too... Slow-gan!
[Deceit]: You're right. So, why don't we move on to something we're both familiar with, Roman: Mistakes. I was actually very impressed with you. You made such a noble sacrifice.
[Roman]: Don't... Don't try to flatter me, snake.
[Deceit]: I don't need to flatter you now, Roman. I mean this. You, in particular, made a significant sacrifice when you sentenced Thomas to attend the wedding instead of the callback. That was a costly choice. Thomas lost a huge opportunity and a good amount of mental health points in the name of being there for his friends. He didn't get anything out of it other than a new high score in Word Crush. That's the closest to an act of true selflessness that I believe is possible. And look! It served no one! Lee and Mary Lee seem to have appreciated Thomas showing face, as much as they would have appreciated any other guest's attendance. So if they gained nothing... and we lost something... then it was a net loss. So maybe... selflessness... isn't always the answer.
[Thomas]: Okay, well, that's over and done with, so... What now?
[Deceit]: You need to unlearn that selfish is a dirty word and for your sake, you need to start practicing a little more selfishness.
[Patton]: In moderation.
[Deceit]: As all things should be. Well... almost all things.
[Patton]: What do you mean by "almost all things"?
[Deceit]: You're right, we wouldn't wanna plant too many trees. Just think of all the CO2 that might be absorbed.
[Patton]: Ah. You got me there.
[Roman]: Well, when is it enough?
[Roman]: No, selfishness! How long must we act selfishly until Thomas is ready to start putting... more good into the world?
[Deceit]: A good question for another time.
[Roman]: But I'm sure you'd have us believe that time will never come. And even if it does, what's to stop you from telling us that we've done enough good for others when maybe, we could do more. Oh! Thomas dropped a dime in a Saint Jude charity box. What a good boy you are, Thomas. Nay, I say! We are ethically compromised if we give the Bananaconda a seat at the table!
[Thomas]: I don't know that we are.
[Roman]: We can't trust him. He's asking us to go back on things we've known for years, rights and wrongs, shoulds and shouldn'ts! How can we trust him?!
[Deceit]: I don't have a simple answer to that question. But here's a start. -taking off his glove- My name... -removes on of his glove and holds up his hand in oath- My name is Janus.
[Roman]: PFFFFT!! Janus? Hahahaha! What are you, a middle school librarian? Hahahaha. It's a stupid name.
[Janus]: Oh, Roman, thank god you don't have a mustache. Otherwise, between you and Remus, I wouldn't know who the evil twin is.
[Roman]: Are you guys seriously going to take his side?
[Thomas]: N-No, I—
[Roman]: Over me?
[Patton]: Wh- he-
[Roman]: Thomas... I thought I was your hero...
[Thomas]: Y-you are!
[Janus]: -nods at Roman-
[Roman]: Hmm. Wow. I can't believe this. Did you forget that he's evil?! You're not! Or... You're not supposed to be; you're supposed to be good! You can't—
[Patton]: Roman. Everything's gonna be okay, kiddo. We love you.
[Roman]: Right. -sinks out-
[Patton]: Janus... Do you think there's a limit... on how many times someone can say sorry... before you have to admit... that they're just bad for you?
[Janus]: Oh, definitely not. I'd love for someone to ruin Thomas' entire life one apology at a time.
[Janus]: The reality is that... it depends.
[Patton]: On what?
[Janus]: Pfft, where to start? How many things have they had to apologize for? How frequently do they have to apologize for things? How terrible were the things that they did? One of the biggest factors in my very humble opinion is whether or not they seem to be making an honest effort to do better.
[Patton]: Even if that effort is... counterproductive?
[Janus]: That does sound very annoying. Again, it depends.
[Patton]: I guess I know who I need to apologize to. -a rare Leslie Odom Jr. appears- I'm so sorry, Leslie!
[Leslie Odom Jr.]: It's okay. Just hoped today we all learned not t-
[Janus]: Uh, thank you, Leslie. -removes Leslie- Yes, Leslie Odom Jr., everyone. -everyone applauds his cameo- Thank you. Yes, thank you. Ah, this is Sanders Sides, not Odom Sides. -clears throat- I'm not threatened at all.
[Patton]: It's good. And Thomas?
[Patton]: I think I finally understand what my problem has been.
[Thomas]: Oh, yeah?
[Patton]: Time. When you were younger, pointing you in the right direction was... a little easier. Those examples I gave earlier: Don't kill, don't steal... They're not really difficult conclusions to come to.
[Janus]: Uh, even those can get kind of complicated.
[Patton]: I don't think about that. But maybe that proves my point. A more mature person comes with more mature, moral questions. Like I told you before, sometimes... I don't know the way. But... When I told you that, you were so scared. I couldn't bear it. So I said to myself... "Alright, Patton. Thomas needs you. You're responsible for his morality. You can never not have an answer for him." And then I promised you I'd keep fighting. Unfortunately... I learned the hard way that... giving too simple of answers to complicated questions... can do more harm than good.
[Patton]: So... I'm sorry. Again.
[Thomas]: It's okay, Patton. I know you'll do anything you can to make things right.
[Patton]: Thanks for trusting me still, kiddo. I'm gonna go check on Roman. -starts to sink out-
[Thomas]: Before you go... I think I understand now what it means... Deceit being here as a part of me.
[Patton]: Oh. Yeah?
[Janus]: Oh, yeah, that's cool. Talk about me like I'm not here.
[Thomas]: Yeah. And it's not that I'm an evil liar or even a fractionally fiendish fibber. Everyone has a capacity for Deceit, including me. And all that means is... I'm not perfect. Just like anyone else.
[Patton]: And those imperfections... don't make it any less worthy of love. Janus?
[Janus]: I'll take care of him.
[Patton]: -sinks out-
[Janus]: So... I suppose now we begin compiling a list of people we need to... nudge... ...down a flight of stairs until they hold another round of callbacks?
[Thomas]: Oh my gosh! No!
[Janus]: Relax, I'm kidding. Of course, I'm kidding. ...Baby steps.
[Thomas]: NO! No baby steps! No steps!
[Thomas]: And no throwing people down them! No violence!
[Janus]: You're right. Of course. There are much less barbaric... much more fun... forms of sabotage.
[Thomas]: Don't make me regret trusting you. I don't want to be stuck with an evil snake boy.
[Janus]: You're not stuck with an evil snake boy... -strikes a sassy pose- You're just stuck with a snake boy.
[Thomas]: Oh, brother.
[Janus]: But seriously, using a mobile game to hide from your sadness and regret at the wedding doesn't count as leisure time. Take some time for yourself, Thomas.
[Thomas]: -sighs- You're right.
[Janus]: Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, what was that? I couldn't hear you.
[Thomas]: -louder- You're right.
[Janus]: AH! YES! Ha! It feels SO GOOD! SO GOOD!! Aah... And I know how much you love these constant dilemmas so please... keep overthinking everything. -sinks out-
[Thomas]: Yeah, I... do you need to work on that. -exhale- -to viewers- While there is likely more that you can do to put good into the world, you shouldn't beat yourself up over what you can't do or what you haven't done before. It doesn't help anyone so... don't overthink it. Just try. All you have to do is try your best to be helpful and to do your part, whatever that is, with the understanding that you can never get doing good down to a science. It's gonna look different for everyone. And don't be afraid to give to yourself either. If someone else ever did as much for you as you've probably done for yourself, you would owe them everything. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone who has endlessly labored to give you a better life, or who has always helped you to remain on your feet through the toughest, most emotionally challenging periods of your life. Try to find your balance between doing good for others and doing good for yourself because finding a universally correct balance between the two is impossible... and sometimes painful. So just... trust yourself. Until next time, take it easy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals. PEACE OUT!
*new scene; April 30*
[Thomas]: -opens the front door only to see Lee and Mary Lee-
[Lee & Mary Lee]: Thomas!
[Thomas]: AAAAHHHH!!!! -slams door on them- -opens door again- Hey, guys. 'Sup...
[Lee]: Sorry, bud.
[Mary Lee]: I forgot. You don't like door yelling.
[Thomas]: Ah, no worries. It wasn't so much the yelling as it was people... at my door.
[Mary Lee]: Oh my gosh, I love you.
[Lee]: Yeah, can you actually marry both of us, now?
[Mary Lee]: Yes, please. I really want to spend the last two pennies in my bank account on a second wedding.
[Thomas]: I'm sorry, guys. I can't be tamed. And it looks like you're gonna have to terrify some other more docile bachelor.
[Mary Lee]: Almost had him.
[Thomas]: I know. You didn't tell me you guys were coming over. What's up?
[Lee]: Well, we just felt kind of bad because you made it all the way out to our wedding and we barely got to hang out with you.
[Thomas]: Oho, what? I-I-I barely even noticed.
[Lee]: Really? 'Cause you're sitting alone at the reception.
[Thomas]: I was trying to take it all in, you know, a lot of mental snapshots. I'm trying less to go digital this year.
[Mary Lee]: You were on your phone...
[Thomas]: ...I was also taking literal snapshots with my phone. I mean... phones are barely digital at this point, right?
[Mary Lee]: But regardless, we thought we'd try to win back your friendship by bribing you with some... -she and Lee hold up food- TREATS!
[Thomas]: What? You guys didn't have to do that.
[Lee]: ...and pastries.
[Thomas]: Brunch Tuesdays!
[Lee]: Brunch Tuesdays.
[Mary Lee]: A little throwback.
[Thomas]: Oh my goodness gracious! It looks like we're going to make it the mosta this afternoon with some Mimosas.
[Mary Lee]: So this is like what you do for a living? Comedy?
[Thomas]: Yeah, I'm a hack.
[Lee]: Well, uh, are y- are you busy? We can just leave these with you.
[Thomas]: Um, no, I was just playing Kingdom Hearts, a game that... really centers around the concept of friendship? Would you care to join me?
[Mary Lee]: -sarcastically- Why would you even ask us that?
[Lee]: -sarcastically- What about us showing up at your door with a bunch of brunch and some booze juice makes you think that we enjoy your company?
[Thomas]: Cool. Come in. -the happy couple walk inside- We can also do something else if you don't want to play video games. -closes door-
*Thomas' living room; Patton and Janus are standing next to each other*
[Janus]: Well... seems like things worked out after all. Guess I was wrong about everything.
*transition to end card*
[Patton]: You and I both know... that's not true.
[Leslie Odom Jr.]: -walks to Thomas' usual spot- Think Odom Sides would be cool. Watch Odom Sides. Do what he can do... -ala intro- What is up, everybody?! That's scary, but I feel like—
[Janus]: -removes Leslie- Okay, that- okay. Gosh.