Transcripts/Selfishness v. Selflessness

[Thomas]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on! Before we get started, this video is brought to you by Hello Fresh! You can get started cooking like I did with eight free meals. That's $80 off your first month of Hello Fresh by visiting HelloFresh.com and using our specialized promo code thomassanders80. Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna make some real good, Hello Fresh salsa verde enchiladas. So… *Thomas exits the frame*

[Virgil]: *wanders into the frame* Is your door locked? Did you leave the stove on? What do you think people say about you when you leave the room?

[Thomas]: (offscreen) Virgil! Uh uh! I know you were not giving other people anxiety! You are my anxiety! (onscreen) No one else's! Trifling ass-ailant of my emotions. Sorry, he's still bummed that I went back to brown hair. (to offscreen Virgil) I said I might dye it again soon.

*intro*

[Thomas]: Whoo!!! Whaaaaat… is up, everybody! Guess who just got a callback for an Alfred Hitchcoppolucas movie?!

[Roman]: (blows party horn) Yes!

[Thomas]: Yeah!

[Roman]: Our chance to be on the silver screen!

[Thomas]: Ooh ooh!

[Roman]: And step one on our path to a glorious EGOT!

[Patton]: E' got what now?

[Roman]: (in Cockney accent) 'E got a lot of trophies coming his way. (returns to usual accent) That's my Cockney accent, in case the role requires that.

[Thomas]: Gonna do a handstand. That's what I'm gonna do.

[Patton]: Wow! O- wh- wh- when is the callback?

[Thomas]: April, lucky number, 13th!

[Patton]: Ooh…

[Thomas]: Ooh? Why are you saying "ooh" like that?

[Roman]: Fear not, Thomas. I'm certain he means "Ooh, yay! So soon!"

[Patton]: Mm, too soon and not late enough. He has a prior engagement, -related engagement that day.

[Thomas]: Ah, the wedding.

[Roman]: Oh, come on.

[Thomas]: Ah. How is that already almost here? I can't miss that.

[Patton]: Well, can you reschedule the callback?

[Roman]: Reschedule a callback? -laughs incredulously- Oh, Patton, that's- that's adorable.

[Thomas]: The callback date is inflexible.

[Patton]: -sighs- Same as the wedding date.

[Thomas]: Yeah.

[Patton]: And Lee and Mary Lee really want you to be there.

[Thomas]: Yeah.

[Patton]: And they've always been there for you when you needed them.

[Thomas]: Yeah.

[Patton]: And you were really excited to go, too.

[Thomas]: ...Yeah.

[Logan]: Eh. Speaking for someone is a disagreeable practice, Patton. If Thomas would rather go to the wedding, then I, the brilliant Logan, think we should hear it straight from the horse's mouth. Thomas, the floor is yours. Wedding or callback?

[Thomas]: Straight from the horse's mouth?

[Logan]: Indeed. Information obtained directly from its original source.

[Thomas]: I know that. But Logan would think that that meant a literal horse spoke it, and, of course, a horse is not a good source of information as humans have not yet developed a means of communication with horses.

[Logan]: I… okay, give me a little credit. I know some idioms and, uh-

[Patton]: And Logan wouldn't have to point out that the floor is Thomas'. Obviously, it's Thomas'! Thomas owns this whole apartment!

[Roman]: Okay, can I just say it? He's, ummm, frickin' *snapping fingers* Deceit.

[Logan]: LIES!

[Thomas]: Yes, definitely. Deceit just come on out, just show yourself.

[Deceit]: (normal form, menacing laugh) Alright. Alright. Guilty as ch-

[Virgil]: Hi! Hello! What do you want?

[Deceit]: Thank you, Virgil. I love how you just ruined my dramatic introduction. Mwah, mwah. So good.

[Virgil]: Well, your face ruined my day. So we'll call it even.

[Roman]: Your old tricks are tired, Deceit. You have to step up your game, man.

[Deceit]: Roman, please don't tell me how to do my job better.

[Roman]: I mean, the wrong tie was a dead giveaway. As an actor, may I say, the little things make a huge difference.

[Deceit]: Roman, enough!

[Virgil]: No. Seriously, Roman, enough.

[Thomas]: Just get lost, you, um, *snapping fingers* Roman. Nickname.

[Roman]: Dr. Trickle and Mr. Lies.

[Thomas]: What he said!

[Virgil]: Glad he didn't leave it at Dr. Trickle.

[Deceit]: Oh, what, so I can't join in and give my honest opinion?

[Thomas]: No! I honestly don't believe you can give your honest opinion.

[Deceit]: Come on! I don't only speak in lies.

[Roman]: Oh, that's definitely a lie.

[Thomas]: Let's give them the old liar liar. What color's my shirt?

[Deceit]: Red! I mean blue!

[Roman]: Oh!

[Thomas]: Mmm...

[Deceit]: Sometimes it's just a matter of... self-control. Bad Deceit. Oh, sorry, Deceit. I'm just kidding.

[Thomas]: Well I guess there are different shades of blue and yellow and red in it. So, that was not a good test to lead with.

[Virgil]: Okay, Thomas, even if he can tell the truth, that doesn't mean he can be trusted.

[Thomas]: Mm, you're right.

[Deceit]: Virgil's very right. You can't trust me! It's not like I'm trying to look out for you or anything.

[Virgil]: Yeah, when I think of trustworthiness, I immediately think of someone who consistently disguises themselves like a member of Team Rocket.

[Deceit]: Oh, and no one has ever done any good with dishonesty at someone else's expense. It was pretty despicable when the Allies misled the Germans about the date and location of their D-day landings. An operation which led to the eventual liberation of Europe from Nazi control.

[Thomas]: ...Alright, he can stay.

[Patton]: Hm?

[Roman]: -incredulous laughter- Ah, wait. Seriously?

[Thomas]: Sounds like he's against Nazis, so... Why not hear him out? You know?

[Virgil]: That... cannot be where the bar is!

[Deceit]: Well, the bar for skipping an important opportunity should be higher than a... social engagement.

[Patton]: Come on, a wedding is more than just a social engagement!

[Virgil]: He knows that.

[Deceit]: Do you want the part in the movie or not?

[Thomas]: I mean-

[Deceit]: Do you want the part or not?

[Roman]: Of course he does!

[Patton]: Wh- Thomas made a commitment to be there for his friends' commitment. It would be wrong for him to go back on that.

[Deceit]: Wrong?

[Patton]: Yeah!

[Thomas]: Yeah...

[Patton]: Deceit, standing in the spot of one of my four best friends.

[Deceit]: Why would that be wrong?

[Patton]: Because Thomas gave his word, but you wouldn't know anything about words, would you, mister?

[Deceit]: I don't know what you mean.

[Patton]: Giving your word is an act of honesty between-

[Deceit]: What? I can't understand you, I don't know anything about words.

[Patton]: Okay. Alright. We got a smart aleck over here, huh?

[Roman]: I mean... things come up you know? If Thomas' Aunt Patty were in the hospital, then he would get a free pass to miss the wedding. Why should it be any different when something good comes up?

[Virgil]: Are you seriously siding with Deceit?

[Roman]: Are you seriously so close-minded to think that everything said by someone you don't like is automatically untrue? This is a big deal for Thomas! Maybe Mary and Lee will understand.

[Thomas]: Uh, it's actually Mary Lee and Lee.

[Deceit]: Not confusing at all.

[Patton]: Roman, this is their big day! We have to be there for them.

[Deceit]: We don't have to do anything. But if you think they'd be cross about your absence, I didn't mind Roman's little "Aunt Patty in the hospital" excuse.

[Roman]: Oh, I mean, well, I wasn't-

[Patton]: No, lying is already bad enough!

[Deceit]: -gasp-

[Patton]: Lying to a friend is out of the question!

[Roman & Deceit]: But what about us?

[Patton & Virgil]: What about us?

[Deceit]: Wow, guys, it's so cool how you never listen to Roman.

[Virgil]: Why is he still here?

[Roman]: Why am I still here?

[Deceit]: Wooow.

[Virgil]: I meant Deceit!

[Patton]: Whose underwear is this?

[Thomas]: I mean... it's not really hurting my friends if they think I'm gone for a better reason.

[Patton]: Not hurting them?

[Roman]: Better reason? Hitchcoppolucas, director of Psycho-Godfather-Wars!

[Patton]: What is this wacky talk? I- You don't mean any of this. I'm your morality, I wouldn't be here if you did!

[Thomas]: Right, right. Yeah, you're right. I... I don't mean that.

[Patton]: And Roman, I thought you fought for honor! Why are you pushing Thomas to be dishonest?

[Roman]: Yeesh! I would have stayed in my room if I knew Dad was gonna take us on a guilt trip.

[Deceit]: Do you know who else is here? Me! So perhaps Thomas isn't so innocent. -gasp-

[Patton]: Well... Nobody's perfect... Except for Thomas! He loves his friends.

[Deceit]: You can defend him all you like, but you can't change the facts.

[Patton]: Oh my gosh!

[Deceit]: Is Thomas an innocent little lamb? Let's let them be the judge of that.

[Roman]: Oh, I can do judgy.

[Patton]: We are back in the mind palace and that means I can summon... anything.

[Virgil]: I'm too emotionally unstable for jury duty. Can I be excused?

[Deceit]: Oh, come now, Virgil, jury duty is so much fun!

[Patton]: My Butterfingers!

[Deceit]: Hopefully he's better at defending than he is at... existing.

[Patton]: I hope so too!

[Thomas]: Um, I'm a little confused as to what this is all about.

[Patton]: Basically, Deceit is trying to prove that you care more about yourself than your friends, but don't worry, kiddo, we'll show him.

[Thomas]: Okay... Cool. I mean, you've never steered me wrong before, right?

[Deceit]: Does everyone understand their parts?

[Roman]: Um, I broke my gavel.

[Deceit]: I don't care. Wonderful! Now, could we have the honorable Justice Roman read off the charges, please?

[Roman]: Oh! -chuckles- Well, all right. *clears throat* The state of Thomas Sanders v. Thomas Sanders in the name and by the authority of the state of Thomas Sanders, Deceit, prosecuting for the state of Thomas Sanders, under oath information makes that Thomas Sanders, count one, did unlawfully and rudely conspire to waive support of Lee and Mary Lee who were then and there characterized as friends. Count two, did unlawfully, and with malice of forethought falsely impersonate a better person. Count three, did unlawfully and surreptitiously prioritize his own desires and designs. Count four, did willfully and without authorization, engage in a scheme to defraud Lee and Mary Lee. Count five, did leave his dirty underwear all over the gosh-darn floor like a gosh-darn animal.

[Thomas]: Uh, I'm sorry... what was that last one?

[Patton]: Yeah, the underwear couldn't be Thomas'. He would never-

[Roman]: Objection! I can confirm that Thomas does leave his filthy underwear on the floor after tearing them off the moment his guests leave the house!

[Thomas]: That's... true.

[Virgil]: Objection! Judges don't object.

[Deceit]: Objection. Neither can the jury.

[Roman]: Well, that settles it. Thomas is guilty. *pounds gavel*

[Virgil]: Er- What are you- the jury decides if he's guilty! What am I doing? I don't care.

[Roman]: Okay. Well, that sucks! What does the judge even do?

[Patton]: His best!

[Deceit]: I know it's a lot to ask, but just keep reading.

[Roman]: Underwear aside, being so charged, Thomas Sanders, how do you plead?

[Patton]: Not guilty!

[Thomas]: ...Not ... guilty?

[Deceit]: Ooh, said with the confidence of a man who has his hands stuck in the cookie jar, in a cookie factory, and his pants are down, and they're on fire.

[Thomas]: We get it!

[Deceit]: -cackles-

[Roman]: Uh, Prosecution, your opening statement.

[Deceit]: The only thing opening should be Thomas's mouth because he's about to be served his just desserts.

[Thomas]: Oh, actually, I just learned, from a podcast, that "just desserts" has nothing to do with the dessert that we eat. It's actually-

[Roman]: (interrupting) Ugh! Alright. Listen, listen. Logan's not here. So, let's act like it. Alright, Defense.

[Patton]: I would just like to say that I am rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you. That is all.

[Deceit]: Curses!

[Roman]: That was brutal, dude. That was brutal. Prosecution, your first witness.

[Deceit]: I would like to call Logan to the stand.

[Logan]: A....ffidavit!

[Patton]: Logan! I'm a lawyer now.

[Logan]: Wait a minute. You guys are doing a courtroom scenario... without me? Unacceptable!

[Roman]: Well, maybe you shouldn't have been impersonated. Did you ever think about that?

[Logan]: Impersonated…? -gasps- Deceit!

[Thomas]: Yeah, yeah. He's... he's here.

[Roman]: We know!

[Patton]: Can't say I'm happy about it.

[Roman]: Who do you think impersonated you?

[Logan]: You know?

[Virgil]: I know!

[Logan]: Why is he still here?

[Thomas]: He doesn't like Nazis.

[Logan]: That... can't be where the bar is.

[Roman]: Hm. Guess he does know some idioms.

[Thomas]: The enemy of my enemy is... my friend?

[Deceit]: And that is always true, without exception.

[Logan]: Alright, go on.

[Deceit]: Let's just get this out of the way for everyone.

[Roman]: Hello!

[Deceit]: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth under pains and penalties of perjury? I know I do.

[Logan]: I do.

[Roman]: I do.

[Patton]: I do.

[Virgil]: Whatever.

[Thomas]: I do.

[Patton]: Okay, so, we kiss now or..?

[Deceit]: So, you are Thomas' stinky poo poo side, correct?

[Logan]: What? No. I am Thomas's logical side.

[Deceit]: Oh, right, of course, but that's kind of an oversimplification. You see to a lot more than ensuring that Thomas is thinking logically.

[Logan]: Do I? I do. Yes.

[Deceit]: Yeah, we'll come back to that. Are you aware of Thomas' callback for the new Alfred Hitchcoppolucas film as well as the wedding that shares the callback's scheduled date?

[Logan]: Ah. I am.

[Deceit]: Do you think some logic could be employed to assist with this dilemma?

[Logan]: Yes, there's always room for me.

*loud coughing*

[Logan]: Sorry, there was something in my throat there.

[Deceit]: I know, that's what I said, but Patton insisted we leave you alone.

[Patton]: Objection! Misleading the witness!

[Roman]: I'm gonna allow it.

[Thomas]: Why?

[Roman]: I mean, did you see Logan's face? -laughs-

[Patton]: Mmm...

[Roman]: All right, all right, all right, you're right, no lying, Deceit. Come on, even if it's funny. Don't, don't, don't, uh-huh... I might... Don't do it.

[Deceit]: Apologies. So, Logan, what does Logic have to say on this matter?

[Logan]: Well, Thomas has more to lose if he misses the wedding.

[Deceit]: What? How?

[Logan]: Up until very recently, this callback didn't even exist to Thomas. Therefore, missing this opportunity is akin to him never having gotten the call back in the first place. There's no real impact. I find that Thomas winning the callback... Winning the callback? Is that how that should be phrased?

[Deceit]: Yes.

[Logan]: Thomas winning the callback is highly improbable.

[Deceit]: What does he lose if he misses the wedding?

[Logan]: Mm, potentially his friends. I found that Thomas's friends mean a great deal to him.

[Deceit]: Sure. But what are your thoughts on the matter?

[Logan]: Well, Thomas has several friends and they all tend to distract him from his responsibilities, so... perhaps two less isn't so bad.

[Deceit]: I feel like "which event could cost us more to miss?" is a less interesting question than "which event has more to offer us?" Don't you?

[Logan]: I don't feel anything.

[Deceit]: Oh, of course you don't.

[Logan]: That said, the callback has more to offer. The only thing the wedding has to offer Thomas is a potential increase in depression. Whereas, this film could radically shift Thomas's trajectory in life. A huge reward from an opportunity that, statistically, Thomas won't get again. Not with legendary auteur Alfred Hitchcoppolucas as the director.

[Deceit]: And, if you want to talk statistics, half of all marriages end in divorce, so-

[Logan]: Actually, that's an outdated statistic, divorce rates have been declining for the past 35 years-

[Deceit]: (interrupting) Uh, earlier, you mentioned that you have responsibilities other than Thomas's logical thinking. Would you please name a few for the court?

[Logan]: Let's see. I am the primary overseer of Thomas's language center. I am the director of activities for Thomas's right arm.

[Deceit]: Just the right?

[Logan]: The left arm is managed by Roman.

[Thomas]: *holding up left hand with censor box at Logan* Yah! Ah, ah! Ah, ah! Roman!

[Logan]: It's real mature, Your Honor.

[Roman]: It was Exhibit B for "bird" after exhibit A for "Ayyy, look at this nerd!" Looks like I'm guilty of arson because I burned you.

[Logan]: There's also my passion project... the development of a life management system in order to form a more productive, punctual Thomas.

[Deceit]: You ensure that Thomas is punctual?

[Logan]: I make an effort. I keep a daily planner and a calendar, both of which are used to record important events.

[Deceit]: How's that working out for you?

[Logan]: It isn't.

[Deceit]: Mmm. Do you recall when Thomas was informed about the... the wedding thing?

[Logan]: I do. It was six months, four days, three hours, and one minute ago.

[Deceit]: So he's known for a while. And when did Thomas hear about this callback?

[Logan]: Two hours, 15 minutes, 45 seconds, 46 seconds, 47 seconds-

[Roman]: (exasperated) Today!

[Logan]: Today.

[Deceit]: Good, good. For the record of the court, what day is the wedding?

[Logan]: Uh, it was April 13th.

[Deceit]: And would you mind sharing with the court what you have scheduled in your calendar for that day?

[Logan]: Not at all.

*the callback is the only thing scheduled*

[Patton]: -gasps-

[Deceit]: Uh-oh! Where's the wedding?

[Thomas]: Wh- He- he tampered with the evidence!

[Patton]: Objection! That is... bad for my case?

[Roman]: Patton, I hate to break it to you, but... you know, that's kind of his job.

[Patton]: I didn't think that would work... and it didn't.

[Logan]: I can't believe you're letting Patton be one of the lawyers. He doesn't- He doesn't even know the rules.

[Patton]: Um, I know the rules, and it looks like it's time for us to make a plea bargain.

[Thomas]: (whispering) What does that mean? Patton!

*Patton offers Logan a Butterfinger*

[Logan]: Uh, no, thank you.

[Patton]: "Plea" change the calendar?

[Deceit]: Objection! I'm sorry, but that's bribing the witness.

[Logan]: And harmful for your teeth.

[Patton]: Oh, no, I wasn't trying to do that. I was just trying to...um... sweeten the deal?

[Deceit]: Wow! Thomas, it seems these days your moral compass is pointed south... towards hell!

[Patton]: Oh, Lemony Cricket and Jiminy Snicket! That one was just hurtful!

[Deceit]: He's clearly manipulating the witness into doing what he thinks is best. Wait a minute. Who was it that was called a Scooby-Doo villain for doing the exact same thing? Oh, yeah, it was me... disguised as Patton.

[Virgil]: So, he didn't want to play by the rules of your game. Big deal! This whole thing is probably rigged anyway. It was set up by a liar!

[Deceit]: Takes a liar, to know a liar.

[Roman]: Ooh! This guy's good!

[Patton]: He just said he was a liar!

[Deceit]: I didn't say "liar", I said "lawyer". Totally different.

[Virgil]: Will you let Patton make his case!

[Deceit]: Your Honor, will you control the one angry man over there?

[Roman]: (laughing) One angry man? That's so good! That's... that's rich!

[Deceit]: I thought you'd like that one.

[Patton]: Logan, remember that thing about when you said it doesn't make much of a difference if Thomas misses the callback?

[Logan]: Yes.

[Patton]: That... was good. I liked that, so I just wanted to bring that back up for the jury. And... that's all I got!

[Roman]: Oof. If you say so. You accomplished nothing.

[Thomas]: Well, that... uh... could've gone worse, right? Could that have gone worse?

[Patton]: I'm sorry, Thomas.

[Thomas]: Oh, hey, buddy, no, it's okay. You'll figure it out.

[Patton]: I don't know if I will.

[Thomas]: Hm, come on! You don't mean that.

[Patton]: (whispering) I have no idea what I'm doing.

[Thomas]: Sure, you do. Come on. This is like a frickin' courtroom where the truth comes to... hang out, and that's what you stand for. Truth.

[Patton]: But I don't know what's true at this point. I just know what I want to be true. I want to believe you're an honest person, but... Deceit's right! He's here... and that means something.

[Thomas]: Are you serious? I've been following your lead this whole time. I'm in the dark here, Patton, and I need something to light my way!

[Patton]: I'm sorry... b- but I don't know the way.

[Thomas]: I don't want to be a bad person.

[Patton]: Okay, then I'll do whatever I can to make sure you're not.

[Roman]: All right, Logan. You can go.

[Logan]: I implore you to reconsider my involvement in this scenario.

[Roman]: I mean, we already have our roles...

[Deceit]: I'm afraid this is a benched trial for you.

[Logan]: (from the back of the courtroom) Really?

[Deceit]: I'd like to call my next witness to the stand. Virgil.

*Virgil makes raspberry noise from jury seat*

[Deceit]: Hmm, very well. You don't usually have anything helpful to add anyway.

[Virgil]: (from witness stand) Okay, ask me your questions.

[Deceit]: You are in control of Thomas's fears, are you not?

[Virgil]: Oh my god! We all know each other; who are these clarifications for? Cut to the chase!

[Deceit]: Is it true that you once said that "weddings are outdated overly expensive pageantry?"

[Virgil]: Yeah, well, I also once swore to Thomas that the drink he left alone in the other room for ten seconds was definitely poisoned and, if he drank it, he would die. I'm not exactly a beacon of truth.

[Deceit]: So you've changed your mind, then?

[Virgil]: Next question.

[Deceit]: -chuckles- Very well. As Thomas's anxiety, do you have any relevant information about his norepinephrine levels in regards to these two conflicting commitments?

[Virgil]: I think it's ridiculous that anyone is entertaining any of this. Guys, he's a liar. You literally know him as Deceit.

[Deceit]: Glass houses, Virgil. You yourself said that you are not a beacon of truth.

[Virgil]: Yeah, because I'm wrong a lot.

[Deceit]: Oh, so you've never been reluctant to share anything with the group, then?

[Virgil]: Don't.

[Deceit]: What? I just meant your name.

[Virgil]: Don't!

[Deceit]: Maybe that's why it's so easy for you to recognize me for what I am. Like I said before... it takes a liar to know a liar.

[Patton]: Uh- Objection! He's weaseling the witness!

[Logan]: The correct term is "badgering".

[Roman]: *pounding gavel repeatedly* Order! Order in the court! Go ahead, Patton.

[Patton]: Thank you, Roman. OBJECTION! He's badgering the witness.

[Deceit]: Roman? It's "Your Honor" to you.

[Roman]: Hmm, sustained.

[Deceit]: You do what you gotta do, Your Honor. I have no further questions.

[Patton]: Hi, Virgil. Do you happen to know... Thomas's feelings... about how... skipping the wedding... might affect... his friends?

[Virgil]: He's pretty nervous. Obviously.

[Patton]: Oh, okay. Well, I bet he's even more nervous about lying to his friends about why he's skipping the wedding.

[Deceit]: Leading the witness.

[Roman]: Sustained.

[Patton]: Okay, how does Thomas feel about lying to his friends?

[Virgil]: I'd say he's even more nervous about lying to his friends about why he's skipping the wedding.

[Patton]: Why do you think that scares him so much?

[Virgil]: 'Cause he could get caught in a lie.

[Patton]: Why is that so scary?

[Virgil]: I don't know. Um... It could hurt Mary Lee and Lee.

[Patton]: But will they punish Thomas?

[Roman]: Hey-oh!

[Virgil]: How old are you?

[Patton]: Will Thomas get in trouble?

[Virgil]: No-

[Patton]: So, what's the big deal? I mean, why is it so bad if they get upset?

[Virgil]: I-I don't know-

[Patton]: I mean, if they're not gonna hurt Thomas back, then why are we worried about 'em? Ow!

[Virgil]: Because...

[Patton]: Because…?

[Virgil]: Because it sucks! Because it hurts Thomas when he hurts his friends!

[Patton]: Why?

[Virgil]: I-I don't know! Because he's Thomas!

[Patton]: THAT'S RIGHT! He is! I rest my case! Uh, until the next witness.

*Roman is teleported to the witness stand*

[Roman]: All right, next witne-- oh.

[Deceit]: Your name is Roman, correct?

[Roman]: The one and lonely! What? Freudian slip…

[Deceit]: So, Roman, can you spell your name for the court?

[Roman]: Ha! Easy. Really obviously muscular and nice. R-O-M-A-N!

[Deceit]: Ooh, I'm afraid that's wrong. It's actually spelled W-R-O-A-M-M-I-N.

[Roman]: No, it is not!

[Deceit]: Take him away, he's a fake!

[Roman]: What?! I am not! That-- I'm the real Roman!

[Deceit]: (shrieking with laughter) Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. Oh, you know I love you.

[Roman]: Oh, haha... Yeah, totally… um...

[Deceit]: Alright, actual first question. Is it not one of your many duties to help Thomas achieve his hopes and dreams?

[Roman]: Yes! It is my sworn duty.

[Deceit]: And how has that been going for you?

[Roman]: Like doodie... It feels like no matter how hard I fight or how much progress I make, something more important always comes around to knock us back to where we started.

[Deceit]: So, the wedding is more important?

[Roman]: Uh, yeah...?

[Deceit]: Why?

[Roman]: Well... It marks the end of Lee and Mary Lee's quests for the holy veil! We get to watch Mary Lee marry Lee merrily and their life becomes a dream!

[Deceit]: So, let me get this straight... The best thing for us to do is sit with a crowd of strangers, watch two people shove cake into each other's mouths, make out, and tell each other how much they love each other while dressed like a butler and a princess.

[Roman]: -defeated sigh-

[Patton]: (offscreen) You're darn right!

[Deceit]: Level with me here. Is Thomas secretly in love with Lee?

[Roman]: No.

[Deceit]: So he doesn't plan on objecting to their union as part of a dramatic declaration of his undying love for Lee?

[Roman]: No.

[Deceit]: Who is more important in this friendship? Lee and Mary Lee or Thomas?

[Roman]: Ah, I see what you're doing! You're trying to trick me into saying that Lee and Mary Lee are more important, but I know that everyone's equal!

[Deceit]: And yet, we're prioritizing the wedding over the callback, and therefore their wants over ours.

[Roman]: ...Yes.

[Deceit]: One last thing! Stay with me here. Say you had a stereotypical relationship between a man and a woman.

[Roman]: You lost me.

[Deceit]: Okay, let me simplify. When two people want different things, what is the most fair solution?

[Roman]: Compromise?

[Deceit]: Very good! Now, in this situation, what is the compromise?

[Roman]: Hmm. Okay. Thomas goes to the wedding, but he's totally skipping their next major life event if he wants to.

[Deceit]: Okay, do you think everyone would be happy with that?

[Roman]: I… don't think anyone would be happy with that.

[Deceit]: Huh? So maybe fair isn't always ideal. That seems to be how they see it anyway. It would be fair if both parties got to have their special days, but ideally, for them, they get to have their big day and Thomas has to watch. No further questions. Smirk.

[Thomas]: Did he just say smirk?

[Patton]: (quietly) My turn… Roman... Imagine if you will.

[Roman]: Done.

[Patton]: You've met an extremely handsome and wonderful prince; the second most handsome prince in the world!

[Roman]: Wait, wait, wait. Why can't I meet the first most handsome prince?

[Patton]: Because that's you, you knucklehead!

[Roman]: Ohohoho... oh, you need to-- you need to chill!

[Deceit]: (hissing) Sssssuck up!

[Patton]: Now you're marrying that Prince! Congratulations!

[Roman]: Score!

[Patton]: Who do you want at your wedding?

[Roman]: Liza Minnelli.

[Patton]: Ring ring ring! Who is this? -gasp- What? No, I'll tell him. She said she's going!

[Roman]: Yay, Liza!

[Patton]: Oh, what's that? Terrible news? Okay. She cancelled.

[Roman]: That b*tch!

[Patton]: Her puppy's sick! She had to go to the vet, you monster!

[Roman]: -sigh- Family emergency, I get it. Don't love it, but I get it.

[Patton]: Oh, she lied! I just checked your Snapchat and she's at a burlesque show!

[Roman]: Well, I guess life really is a cabaret, Miss Minnelli.

[Patton]: Alright, and... conclude. That was just a scene. It was all just a scene. Now. How would you feel about that?

[Roman]: It wouldn't bother me. Her not being there doesn't change the fact that it's my big day.

[Patton]: You wouldn't miss Liza… May... Minnelli?

[Roman]: Sooo I would be devastated. But ya know what? She's her own person, and she has her own life. I can't take that from her! Her being at the wedding is for me and if I forced her to be there when she didn't want to go, then I would be the selfish one. (from judge stand) Next witness.

[Patton]: Okay. Okay. Well... Deceit. Um... Let's get this over with!

[Deceit]: (from witness stand) Do, let's.

[Patton]: So, Deceit... If that is your real name...

[Deceit]: It is.

[Patton]: You always seem to have some bigger plan. Some… agenda.

[Deceit]: Doesn't everyone?

[Patton]: Well, not everyone is so secretive… about theirs.

[Deceit]: Everything has a purpose, and sometimes fulfilling your purpose requires keeping things close to the chest.

[Patton]: Well, you're under oath, which I think means you gotta tell us. Why the courtroom scenario? Why pick a setting where, uh, the truth comes to hang out?

[Thomas]: Oh we're--we're goin' with that.

[Deceit]: Oh, honey, the truth hangs out in the courtroom? Ha! That's a laugh and a half.

[Patton]: No, that's a statement. Logan, that's a statement, right?

[Logan]: Yeah, that's a statement. I don't know what he's talking about.

[Deceit]: Courts and laws are some of the higher powers in society, and society is made of lies. Society itself is a lie!

[Patton]: Then what's the truth?

[Deceit]: You get enough people to share a piece of land and breathe the same air and you've got a society. Why? It's just a bunch of people in the same general area. It's an abstract concept, as real as the monster under your bed! But we obey these rules or get punished for breaking them. All in the name of society. It's absurd and terrifying.

[Patton]: Okay... what does any of this have to do with Thomas?

[Deceit]: I don't want Thomas to be disadvantaged in a world where you can die for not following the laws made in the name of a lie.

[Virgil]: Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was so edgy and over-the-top. We're talking about a wedding here.

[Deceit]: Am I being over-the-top?

[Virgil]: Yes.

[Deceit]: Oh, okay. I thought we were having a discussion about rights and wrongs, shoulds and shouldn'ts. In a society? Those labels are deadly serious.

[Patton]: (stammering) Uh- Okay. Um, let me ask you another question.

[Deceit]: No, let me ask you a question. Do you know of Max Stirner?

[Patton]: (from witness stand) Uh, I know Max Sternest. He's really hard on his kids! Thank you, everyone! Try the Mindpalace buffet!

[Logan]: (from afar) I know! I know! Ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh!

[Deceit]: Go ahead, Logan.

[Logan]: Max Stirner was a racist, drunken, anarchist philosopher who squandered most of his wife's inheritance on his failed milk sternum!

[Patton]: ...Oh.

[Deceit]: We're just going to focus on the philosopher part today. *clears throat* A central aspect of Stirner's view of the world is that there is nothing greater than an individual. The "powers above" are like boogeymen, except we believe in them! And in some cases, we fear them. So with that in mind, why is going to the wedding more important than the callback?

[Patton]: Because it feels better to give something to someone else than take something for yourself.

[Deceit]: But Thomas won't enjoy giving the bride and groom his time because it costs something very important to him. Not only does this go against your claim, but it discourages Thomas from performing more acts of selflessness in the future. Try again.

[Patton]: The wedding is more important because Thomas should support his friends.

[Deceit]: Why are their wants more important than Thomas'?

[Patton]: They're... They're not, but... friendship is more important than acting in our own self-interest.

[Deceit]: And there it is! We found our boogeyman. Friendship. That is the abstract that is being treated as greater than the individual. Another idea that is central to Stirner's philosophy is egoism; or putting it simply, acting in your own self-interest.

[Patton]: That's wrong.

[Deceit]: No, you're wrong. See, the way Max Stirner saw it, everyone is an egoist and you either know it or you don't.

[Patton]: Wow, this Stirner guy sounds like a bummer to the max.

[Deceit]: On the contrary-

[Patton]: You get it? "Max" Stirner? He gets it.

[Deceit]: On the contrary, Stirner was rather starry-eyed. He believed that no one was more important than anyone else, and if everyone understood everyone else to be equals, then maybe we could have a society where you could either work with others towards a mutual benefit or be left to your own devices. If that's what you wanted.

[Virgil]: Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say he thought all people were equal? Because Logan said he was racist.

[Deceit]: And I said we're not focusing on that today.

[Patton]: That's, that's what- that tripped me up too.

[Thomas]: Racism is… literally the opposite of seeing all people as equal.

[Deceit]: Look, the point is, Thomas is an unconscious egoist and this dilemma is actually between something that serves him versus something else that serves him. Between looking and feeling like a good friend and a dream come true. If Thomas wanted to be seen as a good friend more than he wanted the role of a lifetime, well then I'm all for that. But I just don't buy it. I'm through with my questioning.

[Logan]: (from afar) Uh, correction; that was more like lecturing.

[Roman]: Yeah, it almost feels like you're not sitting this one out.

[Patton]: All right now, it's my turn to cross-examine the witness. (Lawyer Patton) What do you know?! (Witness Patton) I know nothin'! (Lawyer Patton) Where were you when the underwear was left on the floor? I need the truth! (Witness Patton) You can't handle the truth! (Lawyer Patton) Please stop yelling at me! (Witness Patton) Okay! Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (Lawyer Patton) It's okay, I just- I don't know if I'm cut out for this whole lawyer thing. (Witness Patton) Of course you are. I mean, yeah, you cracked under pressure, but nobody's perfect! The important thing is you're trying your best. (Lawyer Patton) Wow. Thanks, kiddo. (Witness Patton) Kiddo? I'm old enough to be your father. (Lawyer Patton) Oh! -laughing- No more questions, no more questions.

[Deceit]: And now, I'd like to call Thomas Sanders to the Stander's. Nailed it. Hey, Thomas, isn't it kind of annoying how a royal wedding can absorb all media attention and potentially distract from more important matters that people need to know about?

[Thomas]: Um... I guess so? I mean, the last royal wedding probably wasn't the most important thing going on in the world at the time.

[Deceit]: Okay, would you show an eight-year-old an R-rated movie?

[Thomas]: Jumping around a bit here... Uh… probably not?

[Deceit]: Would you agree with a law that bans parents from letting their children watch R-rated movies?

[Thomas]: Uh, ah... I don't know! I guess not? It would be up to the parents on how they want to raise their kids-- what is happening??

[Deceit]: So, it's okay to have values, but not to universalize them.

[Thomas]: Wha- I think some things are universally wrong, but for less important things, sure. I mean, you can't decide what's right or wrong for someone else.

[Deceit]: Less important things like weddings.

[Thomas]: Okay-

[Deceit]: You said that the Royal Wedding, the Royal Wedding wasn't that important. That's royalty. Not little Lee and Mary Lee's inconsequential nuptials.

[Thomas]: Okay. Alright. Well, my personal value is that I should go to the wedding.

[Deceit]: But there are values that come naturally to us and there are some that are instilled in us. You don't speed while driving because you don't want a speeding ticket, not because you feel in your heart that speeding is wrong.

[Thomas]: No, well, what if I fear-

[Deceit]: Similarly, you fear being perceived as a bad friend. But you don't want to go to the wedding at all. Do you? Admit it.

[Thomas]: I plead the sixth.

[Deceit]: Oh, sweetie. It's "I plead the fifth."

[Thomas]: No! The sixth amendment! The accused is guaranteed the right to a speedy public trial by an impartial jury! Virgil hates the prosecutor, and that's not impartial! Lawyered.

[Logan]: That's right.

[Deceit]: Well, Roman wants me to win, so…

[Roman]: Wha- What, me? No! C-Come on.

[Deceit]: I know you're lying Roman. Like I said, everything has a purpose and you're denying yours. You want that call back so bad, and it will crush you if we miss it. So, with conflicting conflicts-of-interests all around, I feel like it all kind of evens out.

[Thomas]: No, no! Th- That's worse!

[Logan]: Yeah, this is a kangaroo court.

[Patton]: Oh, I wish! That sounds so much cuter than this mock courtroom where the principles of law and justice are being disregarded.

[Deceit]: Okay, seriously, we're not going to perfectly nail every detail. This isn't even a real courtroom. You're sitting on the couch with your eyes closed.

[Thomas]: That's fair. But why say it?

[Deceit]: Stop stalling and admit it. What am I doing here right now, Thomas? Am I the snake come to trick you into sinning, or have you had your mind made up since the moment you received the news about the callback? You didn't even forget about the wedding, did you? It was all an act!

[Thomas]: Fine! I want to go to the callback! I was planning on playing word crush on my phone during the wedding ceremony to keep my mind off the fact that I'm single. I don't want to go! I'm afraid to go. And on top of that, a dream come true fell into my lap scheduled on the same day. Anyone would want to go to the callback! So, yeah. I tried to force myself to forget about the wedding, and now I want to lie to my friends, so they don't hate me for not supporting them. I'm a liar. I'm a liar.

[Deceit]: (offscreen, laughing) Haha! Yes! Prosecution rests or whatever. Let's just call it here and put him out of his misery.

[Roman]: Does the juror have his decision?

[Virgil]: Yeah, I hate to say it but, the defendant is... guilty. On all charges.

[Deceit]: Who knew convincing people to do something they really want to do could be so easy?

[Roman]: This is a downer.

[Thomas]: Well, your honor, What's your sentence?

[Roman]: Sentence? I don't know. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

[Thomas]: No, a sentence for the verdict. I've been convicted of the crimes and now as judge, you have to give me a sentence. A punishment.

[Roman]: Hey-oh. I hereby sentence you...

[Deceit]: That's not really necessary. I think now you see that all of this is-

[Roman]: ...to one day at the Saint Clifford's Chapel on the day of Lee and Mary Lee's wedding. -gavel pound-

*end scene* (back to Thomas’ living room)

[Deceit]: Wait, what?

[Roman]: It's my sworn duty to help Thomas achieve his hopes and dreams. But Thomas wouldn't dream of attaining his hopes through deceitful means.

[Deceit]: But that's not true!

[Virgil]: And you're a beacon of truth?

[Deceit]: Oh, did I say that? I missed the part where I said that.

[Thomas]: I don't understand. You got what you wanted. You proved that I'm not as honest as I'd like to believe.

[Deceit]: But you're still missing the point! Didn't it seem kind of ridiculous taking this matter so seriously to the point of settling it in a legal setting?

[Thomas]: Not really.

[Patton]: Eh, I dunno. It seemed pretty important.

[Roman]: I do that kind of stuff all the time…

[Deceit]: *inhale* Hoooo! Okay, let me put it this way. Life... *sniffff* ..is like a pinata.

[Patton]: Colourful and full of stuff that makes you happy?

[Deceit]: Sure, and you want that stuff that makes you happy, right?!

[Patton]: Do I!

[Roman]: Do I.

[Deceit]: Well, in order to get that stuff, you must attack the pinata. But you're wearing a blindfold right now. You can keep playing with the blindfold on if you like the game better that way. But if you take it off, it's easier to get that stuff you want.

[Thomas]: Attack the pinata?

[Roman]: I believe he's suggesting that you beat someone up and rob their unconscious body, right?

[Deceit]: (angrily) No!

[Roman]: No?

[Deceit]: I'm trying to teach you a lesson, but it's literally impossible!

[Logan]: Falsehood.

[Patton]: -gasps- Oh my gosh!

[Logan]: Why don't you just leave the teaching to me?

[Thomas]: (offscreen) Aha! Haha. There he is.

[Deceit]: Great. Well, I'm sure Thomas's friends would love to know that he's forcing himself to attend their wedding. It's clear you all don't want to listen to reason, but hear this. I'll always be a part of you.

*Deceit shows his logo*

[Patton]: Ooh! Look at the little tongues!

[Deceit]: I'm not going anywhere, and there are smarter ways to get people to do what you want, anyway. *ducks out*

[Logan]: He said he wasn't going anywhere. Classic liar.

[Thomas]: Bye, Deceit. I- Why don't we invite him around more often?

[Patton]: Boy. I'm rattled. -laughs- Get it? Like a rattlesnake?

[Roman]: Patton, that joke was terrible in a way that was... Slitherto undreamt of.

[Patton]: Oh!

[Roman]: I got you.

[Patton]: I'm glad that was a joke. For a moment there, I was devastated.

[Thomas]: Roman, I just. Uh, I want to thank you for helping to set me straight. Despite the cost. I know that that wasn't easy for you.

[Roman]: It wasn't, but you're welcome. Well, it's back to the drawing board for me. If 'e got a chance at any top-tier accolades, then I need to get back to work.

[Thomas]: Alright, don't work too hard, Roman.

[Logan]: And just like that, as quickly as he arrived, he was gone.

[Thomas]: Yeah, Deceit's a weird one.

[Logan]: No, I was talking about myself. It's still difficult to believe that my participation was as restricted as it was. It was Deceit's doing, I'm sure. I would have been a more than worthy foil. Unlike him, I'm skeptical about whether a society could function without some sort of system of laws by which all of its citizens abide.

[Thomas]: Well, of course you feel that way, you love rules.

[Logan]: Love is a strong word, but I do appreciate order, and I'm glad to see that the figurative scales of justice have reached equilibrium on this day.

[Patton]: Oh, "scales of justice"! Logan, you're better at this than I am!

[Logan]: For the love of Archimedes, I will never intentionally make a pun!

[Virgil]: Well, unlike the tardy teacher, I don't have an issue with strong language. I freaking hated everything about this.

[Patton]: Hoo, I was afraid of what you meant by "strong language".

[Virgil]: Do not allow him or any of his friends to stick around that long ever again.

[Thomas]: Okay, but what if-

[Virgil]: Ever again! Cool?

[Thomas]: Cool.

[Patton]: Very cool!

[Virgil]: Then we're all cool here. Now. I'm gonna go be cool somewhere else, huh?

[Patton]: Sorry for lying to you, Thomas.

[Thomas]: Lying? What do you mean? When did you lie?

[Patton]: Earlier. I kept telling you how you felt even though I didn't know the truth, and I turned out to be wrong.

[Thomas]: Well, you thought what you said was true.

[Patton]: No, I hoped it was true. Saying something is a fact when you don't have the fact straight is... dishonest.

[Thomas]: Well... It's okay. I know you were just trying to make sure I did the right thing.

[Patton]: And I really believe you are doing the right thing here, Thomas.

[Thomas]: I think I am too. I just wish that what felt right didn't also hurt me.

[Patton]: Well, here's the thing, kiddo. People hurt all the time. By going to the wedding, you're making sure that two of your friends aren't hurt by the absence of someone they really care about. Do you know why you're doing that?

[Thomas]: Because it's right?

[Patton]: Because you can't help but imagine putting yourself in other people's shoes!

[Thomas]: What if their shoes are stinky?

[Patton]: Well, out of all the shoes to put yourself in, those are the most important. That tendency is a beautiful part of you! You shouldn't give it up for anything. And who knows? Maybe one day you'll get to marry the second most handsome prince in the world. And I'll bet Lee and Mary Lee will remember when you were there for them, and they'll be there for you.

[Thomas]: Thanks, Patton.

[Patton]: Don't mention it, kiddo. Ding! Going down! -laughter-

[Thomas]: Oof! Well, nothing like a day that starts with me getting good news and ultimately leads to me questioning if I'm a bad person. I mean, I am selfish at times, and I am well aware now of my capacity for deception, but... Patton's right. I do also have empathy, and I should acknowledge and celebrate that as well. Empathy isn't a blindfold. It's our ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Sometimes, what seems right might also seem difficult, but listen to your empathy because you might be sparing yourself some future guilt by doing good for someone else. Until next time, take it easy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals! Peace out. Before we go to the end card, FOOD! Do you like that? Do you like the food?? Do you like food that tastes like it's from a restaurant, but you don't like leaving the house or paying a lot of money? Well say hello… fresh… Say hello to Hello Fresh. You can make your own restaurant-quality food! "But I don't know how to cook!" Well, don't you worry, person with a silly cartoon voice! With Hello Fresh, the meal planning, the shopping, and the prepping is all done for you! They make it easy as heck! So, you eat good as in tasty, but also good as in healthy. Take these freaking salsa verde enchiladas! I just made these TODAY! And it was snappy, scrumptious, and super simple. If you're like me, you're so busy chasing around neighborhood cats all day that you've had no time to plan for dinner! With Hello Fresh delivering pre-measured ingredients and an easy-to-follow recipe card, you don't even have to sweat it! Chase around homeless cats to your heart's content! Trust me, this is a fantastic way to get out of your comfort zone and cook meals you never thought you could! Like, I never thought I'd be able to say I've made prosciutto-wrapped chicken on a bed of risotto with truffle oil, but now I'm a gosh-darn prosciutto wrapped chicken on a bed of risotto with truffle oil MASTER because HelloFresh made it easy. In fact, you guys know how often I'm sharing my hello fresh creations on Twitter. If you get HelloFresh using the special offer, please tweet them at me! I would love to see what you guys are creating. Maybe retweet them out so that everybody can see what you guys are cooking. Now, Hello Fresh is only $6.99 per serving that's less than I pay for delivery and with this special offer, you'll get your first eight meals free! That's $80 off your first month of Hello Fresh! Just go to HelloFresh.com and enter the promo code thomassanders80 and get the most meal for your moola!

*end card*

[Thomas]: *holding Butterfingers in right hand* Well, at least after all that, I still have these delicious Butterfingers.

[Logan]: *moving Thomas’ right hand away from his face* No, Thomas. Candy has no nutritional value.

[Roman]: *using Thomas’ left hand to pull the right hand back* Let the dude have some candy! He's had a tough day!

[Logan]: *right hand yanks candy back* Oh, do you want him to have a tough life?

[Roman]: *left hand grabs candy* It's made with peanuts. Those are protein-packed legumes!

[Logan]: *knock candy out of left hand with the right hand* Yeah, it's also made with molasses, corn syrup, and sugar. *grabs enchilada with left hand and smashes it into Thomas’ cheek* He needs to eat his Hello Fresh salsa verde enchiladas for actual sustenance.

[Thomas]: Guys.

[Logan]: Ooh, apologies Thomas. I thought you were looking in that direction.

[Roman]: *smashing candy into cheek with right hand* Now look what you've done! Y--give him the candy!!!

[Logan]: No!

*both foods are being smushed into Thomas’ cheeks*

[Roman]: Give him the candy!

[Logan]: He doesn't need it!

[Thomas]: Guys, I don't even want it anymore, please!